Wednesday Why-I-Love–Weekly-World-News Blogging

August 12th, 2009at 07:24pm Posted by Eli

The Weekly World News offers some helpful hints on how to avoid The Plague:

  • DO NOT TOUCH OR FEED WILD RODENTS!  Resist the urge.  Please abstain from feeding or petting wild rodents, no matter how cute they may be.
  • Be wary of small animals: cats, prairie dogs, dingos,  and penguins can all be infested with fleas that carry the disease.  Avoid contact with these animals if at all possible!
  • Avoid babies.  Due to their less developed immune systems babies are more likely to be carriers of the plague.  Avoid babies at all costs.
  • Treat pets for fleas: fleas are a positive danger now! Be sure to keep your pets indoors and treat them regularly with flea shampoos and powders!  Remember; a shaved cat is a happy cat.
  • Learn Sign Language.  Most diseases are transmitted by the mouth; through coughing, kissing, or talking.  Help keep your mouth closed by learning American Sign Language.
  • Sanitize guests: make sure anyone who enters your home is free of disease and parasites.  All guests should be dipped in rubbing alcohol or witch hazel to kill any bacteria on their skin.  Then lightly douse them with powdered sugar to ward off any fleas.  Wrap them in clear plastic and wait for two days to see if any lesions arise.  After this the guest may safely enter your home.
  • Interrogate children.  Children will often unintentionally expose the rest of your family to life threatening illness.  Every time they enter the house interrogate them on where they have been to find out if they may be exposing you to the plague.  Waterboarding is an effective and safe way to coerce someone to talk, and it helps keep kids clean.
  • Irradiate all foods.  The safest food is irradiated food.  Organic products are more susceptible to bringing germs into your home, and they go bad quicker.  Irradiation kills all germs in food and helps them to stay fresh longer.  If possible find a way to irradiate food at home.
  • Colonize a small tropical island.  Gather your family, or those uninfected, and take over a small tropical island.  The remote location of an island limits possible exposure to infection.  Drive out whatever people may be living there and hold up until the epidemic has passed.

These all sound very reasonable and easy to follow.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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