Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

September 23rd, 2009at 08:17am Posted by Eli

Looks like the Mormon Glenn Beck is doing a little cross-cultural outreach…

Fox News anchor Glenn Beck is encouraging people people to observe Yom Kippur with fasting, introspection and “prayer for the Republic.”  On his television program, Beck described how he will be observing the Jewish Day of Atonement.

He will start by going into a “Real World” style confessional Holy of Holies. In this small room will be only a camera, and a copy of the Declaration of Independence.  Producers have allotted an hour and a half for a close up of Beck’s face as he reads the Declaration while sobbing uncontrollably.

Beck will then anoint himself as the High Priest of The Republic for the day.  On his set, Beck plans to get on his knees and pour canola oil on his head while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.  Duly anointed Beck will then be the High Priest, whose job it is to to cleanse the hearts and minds of America. To anoint America he will ritually burn copies of The New Yorker, Darwin’s Origin of Species, posters for films like Fahrenheit 9/11 and Milk, a map of California, tickets to the Austin’s South by Southwest Festival and a life-size cardboard cutout of Arianna Huffington.

Fox News will cancel all regular programming for the day, for a series of “sermons” delivered throughout the day by leading conservative thinkers.  In the evening, High Priest Beck will lead Fox Viewers in a prayer service.  During the service Beck will have a Passover style plate of food, viewers are expected to prepare and eat along with him as he tells the story.  The food will be 2 fried chicken legs, 3 barbeque ribs, a hot dog, potato salad, and a slice of apple pie.

Beck will then tell of the significance of each piece of food: the chicken legs symbolizing the journey to new lands seeking freedom, the ribs representing the fires our country has been through and how we must each “give of ourselves,” the hot dog a reminder of the idealism of the American dream and how industrialization makes all things possible, potato salad to symbolize our cultural melting pot.  Critics argue that a Irish, German, and English influenced dish that comes out mostly white may not be the best representation of the American Melting Pot, but Fox News has yet to address these concerns.  The Apple Pie represents “how sweet things can be, if we all stay true to our American identity.”

That sounds pretty awesome, although I’m afraid Beck may be atone-deaf.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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