The guys at Conservapedia (aka, “the trustworthy encyclopedia”) have launched a project to retranslate the Bible, because, they say, “liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations.” They want to “replace liberal words like ‘labor'” with terms conservatives like better, and “explain the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.” This takes crazy to a whole new level.
Maybe they’ll explain how when Jesus said “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself”, what he really meant was “Thou shalt tell thy neighbor to go fuck himself and get a damn job.” That is, assuming Jesus even makes the cut. I’m expecting one of the conservative Bible “translators” to say something along these lines:
After we studied it for a while, we finally realized that we could achieve about 90% of our objectives by simply removing the New Testament. We took an informal poll amongst ourselves, and found that none of us ever really liked that sissy Jesus crap anyway. Except Revelations, which totally stays. That shit is THE BOMB.
Speaking earlier this week Republican Lindsey Graham spoke out against members of his party, calling the birthers “crazy” and Glenn Beck a “cynic” whose views are “antithetical to American values.” He continued to speak out against extremism and demagoguery in both political parties, and call for cooperation rather than partisan mud-slinging. Graham’s civil behavior only confirms the rumor that he has been replaced with a pod person.
Glenn Beck wept as he invited Lindsey Graham back into the Republican fold. In a special segment on his show, Beck lit candles and played soft music while softly asking Graham to come back. “I’m just so tired of all this fighting,” he said into the camera, which was using a soft focus filter. “Republicans don’t fight each other. All this criticism, I just can’t… I can’t handle it.” Beck broke down for the 8th time in 5 minutes while If You Don’t Know Me By Now began playing in the background. “Please Lindsey Graham, please. Just come home.”
Beck proceeded to talk to a framed pictures of Graham about party unity. While talking he slowly went from a seated upright position to laying on his stomach, head propped on his hands, and knees bent with feet dangling coquetishly. While talking about the glory days of Ronald Reagan, he began crying again. Then, music swelled up and he took a microphone and began singing Come To Me by Otis Redding, directly to the framed picture of Graham.
