Archive for October 28th, 2009

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part II

Weekly World News reports that Republicans finally found a hook to justify voting against the hate crimes amendment:

35 Republican senators voted against a defense bill that included hate crime legislation. They claim it was based on cuts in anti-zombie spending.

“This bill would have put our nations homes and schools in grave danger!”  Georgia Representative Saxby Chambliss said to cheers from fellow Republicans.  “Our great nation cannot afford to gut our zombie defense spending.  And that is exactly what the Democrats would have us do.”

When asked if they voted against the bill because it also contained legislation making violence based on sexual orientation a federal crime the Republicans got very quiet and murmured awkwardly for nearly a minute.  “Zombies are threatening America!” shouted one Senator from the back, and the rest quickly joined in.

Sean Hannity had financial expert Arthur Zweigg on his show to talk about the bill:  “Frankly, Sean, I didn’t see any evidence of cuts to Zombie protection spending.”
“Why do you hate America?”
“Excuse me?  I don’t-”
“You want Zombies to crash through our windows and destroy America.  By supporting this bill, you’re supporting Zombies.  So you must hate America!”

Zombie outbreaks are a growing fear in the country right now.  With our still weak economy and flu season around the corner the nation’s people and infrastructure are particularly vulnerable.  The Obama administration has promised an overhaul to the country’s Zombie Outbreak policy, however the Democrats have yet to come up with an effective strategy to deal with the zombie threat.

Republicans continue to avoid accusation that their denial of the bill was related to its support of gay rights.  Most quickly change the subject to a popular talking point or other rhetorical device.  When cornered in a mens room on capital hill Saxby Chambliss stopped washing his hands and jumped out a window, screaming “No comment!” on the way down.  Senator Chambliss received no major injuries from the incident.

Frankly, I’m a little surprised that they didn’t try to claim that the hate crimes amendment covered attacks on zombies.  Hell, they didn’t even say anything about “reanimation panels”.

October 28th, 2009 at 11:37am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part I

Sarah Palin is taking her upcoming Oprah appearance very seriously:

Sarah Palin will be appearing on Oprah in November.  The former governor is training for what she believes will be a “rough and tumble” interview.

“I know what the media’s like.  I know they’re gunning for me.  So I’m gonna be prepared.”  This was Sarah Palin’s reply as she was training for her upcoming appearance on the Oprah Winfrey program.  The former governor of Alaska will be on to talk about her new book “Going Rogue.”

“You Liberal media types are all out to get me.  And this is the most powerful woman in the world.  So you better believe I’m gonna be ready,”  Palin said while doing bench presses.  To prepare for the interview in Chicago she is going through tough physical training.  Each day she runs 3 miles and kills a deer with her bare hands, in addition to a rigorous gym schedule.

“Oprah’s studio is the bleeding heart of Chicago liberalism.  I’m a pilgrim in the lion’s den down there.  I’ve seen these types of shows.  I know what happens.”  Palin had her personal trainer throw chairs at her, which she would mostly avoid.  “You never know what left-wing wacko will want to get a piece of the Maverick.”

Palin also spent an hour in a butcher’s freezer punching a large slab of meat.  “You see this cow?!  I killed this myself!  That’s how we do it in Real America!  Yeah!”

Her training is not just for a possible physical confrontation though.  “My preparation is both mental, and physical,” insists Palin.  “They try to trip you up by asking meaningless trivia: ‘find China on a map’ ‘what’s the Bush foreign policy?’  Whatever, I’m gonna be ready.”  According to her trainer she spends hours each day playing sudoku and quizzing herself from Trivial Pursuit cards.  “She tried reading the New Yorker once, but got frustrated and shot it with a gun.  That gun scares me.”

Sarah Palin is covering all her bases in making sure she isn’t blindsided by the show.  “I’m gonna handcuff Todd to a chair before I leave Alaska.  Then I know you aren’t pulling one of those crazy, ‘your husband is really a woman’ kinda shows.”

This can only end badly.

October 28th, 2009 at 07:16am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Palin,Weekly World News

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