Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

1 comment December 2nd, 2009at 08:09pm Posted by Eli

The Weekly World News has uncovered some lesser-known components of Obama’s Afghanistan strategy:

Sony Playstations will be air lifted into the country.
Dozens of the original, first generation, Sony Playstation will be air dropped into different areas around Afghanistan.  No one in the United States has played the system for years, and Army Intelligence has been grabbing every system they can get their hands on.  Once deployed the system will provide ample distraction for disaffected youths who might otherwise join a terrorist group.  When given the choice between going to an Al-Qaeda training camp, or staying home and playing Playstation, hopefully more young people will stay home and enjoy Western entertainment.

Fast food burritos will be dropped into the most war-torn and starving parts of the country.
Like in most conflicts it is the people who have suffered the most who want to fight back.  Taliban and Al-Qaeda recruitment is highest in areas where hunger and poverty are rampant.  To alleviate the issue of hunger, hundreds of thousands of pounds of fast food grade burritos will be dropped in to these areas.  Terrorist groups who steal the food, and eat more than one or two per person, will be incapacitated with intestinal distress.  Ideally this may help flush some groups out of their caves, as they may require fresh air.

Regis Philbin.
An anonymous source within the Intelligence community confirms that daytime television host Regis Philbin will be air dropped alone into the heart of Afghanistan.  “Every day that man makes millions of people want to watch him, but can you say why?  No, you can’t.  He’s not funny, or attractive, or even interesting, but you can’t take you eyes off him, can you?  We believe he will be invaluable in promoting a positive outlook towards America.”  When asked if it was appropriate to put a old talk show host in such a dangerous situation, our source simply said “…he knows how to take care of himself.”

Any of these approaches would be a significant improvement over the current “throw 30,000 more troops at it and then start withdrawing them when I’m up for re-election” plan.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

1 Comment

  • 1. CJ Daniels  |  October 6th, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Glad to see that someone is finaly starting to give weekly world news credit for the great reporting they do. The story on California purchasing the jetpacks was great. Thank you CNN for having Neil McGinness on your show last night. See the footage at:

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