Archive for January 6th, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Happy New Year Edition

Yes, it’s time for some end/beginning-of-the-year housekeeping, courtesy of the Weekly World News.

First up, we close out the old year with everyone’s favorite space alien sophisticate Mygar’s 2009 In Review:

Celebrity Deaths.
This was not a safe year to be a person of notoriety. A seemingly endless series of persons left us, particularly the in fateful summer of 09. The most notable to leave us is, of course, Michael Jackson. As he only faked his own death, more on him shortly. The most profound death this year I found to be that of Patrick Swayze. His star shone too bright to last long. His depth as an actor, and endless dedication to the dance, has inspired and lifted us all from the quagmire drudgery of our common lives. May love lift you up where you belong Patrick, and the heavens part so you may dance your way into paradise.

Jon Gosselin.
How is your species supposed to evolve when people like this are allowed to reproduce? And no less than 8 times!? Blessings be to those poor children. Who is this overgrown man-child and why is he on television. In any of the better galaxies a wretched person like this would be euthanized for the sake of the gene pool. Even his own children have matured past him at this point. That he was ever given time in front of a camera should be a cultural warning sign. Thankfully Ed Hardy apparel makes him, and douches like him, visible from safe distances. His clothing is like an illuminated sign that reads “This person likely has Chlamydia.” Thank you Ed Hardy. And can someone please save those adorable 8 children from their wretched parents?

Jersey Shore.
Glaring weekly proof that evolution can work backwards. I watched it once and had to give my television a round of antibiotics after. Your entire species should be ashamed. When is turns out this was the glaringly obvious omen that your culture was about to collapse from its own decadence, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(…)

Economic Collapse.
Given how much time I spend upon your planet this affected even my lifestyle. The fine wines ran dry and were replaced with instant cocoa. Imported cheeses went away and I was left with only individually wrapped American. I don’t eat American cheese. I will tear off and fry my own leg first. At least that’s imported! And cocoa isn’t so bad. It goes well with black and white movies on basic cable.

…And Batboy helps ring in 2010 with his list of New Year’s resolutions:

1. Don’t get arrested. Bat Boy has a long history with the law. In years past bat Boy has stolen a car, led authorities on a multi-state high speed chase, and prompted the dispatching of the National Guard. Usually he commits these felonies without meaning to. While currently he is only wanted in 4 states, those states are out of the way and easy to avoid.

2. Always say ‘Please’.

3. Stop breaking into the White House. Bat Boy has broken into the White House 7 times since the Obamas took office. Typically it is because he wants to play catch with the President, or see if Sasha and Malia can come out to play. One time it was to see Michelle Obama because he had a bad dream.

4. Don’t drive. Bat Boy is only a child, yet on several occasions he has been found behind the wheel of a car, usually to disastrous results. This year Bat Boy is making a pledge to not panic and think before he solves a situation by getting into whatever car is closest and driving away.

5. Watch his diet. Being a half bat mutant, Bat Boy only eats mosquitoes. Last month he gave himself a bad tummy ache from eating too many chocolate covered mosquitoes at once. In the coming year he hopes to remember that chocolate covered mosquitoes are just a sometimes food.

6. Clean out the cave more. No one is actually expecting the little mutant boy to live up to this one, but it’s worth a try.

7. Stop rereading the Twilight series. Bat Boy is a huge Twilight fan. He has read his personal copies of the books more than a dozen times. He recognizes he needs to stop doing that so much.

8. Don’t be scared of the Pope. For some reason one of the few things that frightens the mutant child is the Pope. For some reason the combination of old man, shiny costumes, and big hats scares Bat Boy to no end. In the coming year he hopes to remember that the Pope is just a nice old man, and not run screaming from pictures of him.

Happy New Year, everybody!

January 6th, 2010 at 11:27am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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