Archive for January 20th, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Heidi Montag is an inspiration to young women everywhere:

Photos have been released now of a post operative Heidi Montag.  On November 20, 2009, she went under at least 10 surgeries in one day to achieve physical perfection.  Her hips thighs and neck were liposuctioned, botox injected, chin reduced, and breasts enlarged.  But her quest for perfection didn’t stop there.  The former The Hills star paid for doctors to implant robotic devices to give her bionic super powers.

Weekly World News has discovered that heiress and reality TV star Heidi Montag now has powers far beyond those of any mortal man.  A team of 10 surgeons, 4 robotics specialists, and 3 auto mechanics spent 23 hours in surgery giving Montag her cosmetic updates and bionic implants.

Now the slight framed starlet is stronger than an Olylmpic weight lifter and can outrun a cheetah.  Lab tests show her lifting 185 lbs with her kegels.  Optical and auditory implants increase her vision and hearing ten-fold.  She also has a USB port and wifi.  With the enhancements complete, Heidi says, “Now I’m  stronger, faster, fiercer!”

When asked what she will do with her newfound powers, Montag says she will “Be Fierce!”  When asked exactly what that entails she said, “UGH!  You just don’t understand!”  After a mild hissy fit about how no one understands her, she continued, “I am going to so much fiercer now.  Now I can spot haters or paparazzi from literally a mile away.  And dress sales, forget about it.  And I can hear what’s going on at the other end of the room, so I’ll always know who’s saying what and know all the gossip.  How awesome is that?!  And my new album is coming out soon!  So the choreography for that is going to be amazing.  It’s going to be better than Madonna, like the actual mother of Jesus, if she’d put on a concert.  And I like don’t have to worry about getting exhausted from touring, just plug me into the wall, give me some frozen yogurt and I’m good.”

Reporters asked Montag if she would be using her super human abilities to help her fellow man.  She replied, “Hey, I’m a role model!  I lift people out of their boring dull lives by showing them how awesome life can be when you’re young, beautiful, rich, famous, and now super powered.  That’s like a public service!”

You go, girl!  Preferably someplace far, far away.

1 comment January 20th, 2010 at 11:17am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Electoral Politics In A Nutshell

If the voters think you’re accomplishing most of what they think you promised to accomplish, you’ll probably get re-elected.  If they don’t, you probably won’t.

Obama managed to charm voters into believing that he had promised more than he actually did, but so far has delivered far less than he actually promised.

Here’s a partial composite list of things that Obama promised, or that those who voted for him think he promised:

  • Universal healthcare that doesn’t suck
  • Financial reform to restructure Wall Street and punish its malefactors of great wealth
  • Jobs/economic stimulus/mortgage relief
  • Shifting the tax burden back towards the rich
  • Emphasis on green energy and jobs/significant reductions of greenhouse emissions
  • Government transparency/restoration of respect for the Constitution and rule of law
  • Reduction of lobbyist influence
  • Abolition of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
  • Closing of Gitmo
  • Withdrawal of troops from Iraq and Afghanistan
  • Accountability for Bush administration criminals

I can’t think of a single item on this list that Obama has come even close to achieving, or even made a good-faith effort to achieve.  I’d say that he was comparatively most successful on jobs and economic stimulus, but 10% unemployment isn’t exactly something to brag about.

Obama and the Democrats got their performance review yesterday.  If they don’t start showing some serious improvement in the quality of their work product over the next nine months, a whole bunch of them are going to get fired.

January 20th, 2010 at 07:23am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Corruption/Cronyism,Democrats,Economy,Elections,Healthcare,Obama,Politics

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