Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Olympic Edition Pt. I

2 comments February 24th, 2010at 07:52pm Posted by Eli

Weekly World News uncovers a Scandal!  Apparently gamma radiation is the new HGH:

[Apolo] Ohno and [Bode] Miller have won a total of 27 medals in various Olympic events.  This is a record number of medals for one country in the Winter Olympics.  Miller took home the gold in men’s Super Combined, one downhill plus one slalom.  Then he went on to take bronze in the men’s Mega Combined, which is one downhill plus two slaloms… and a blindfolded ski jump.  He took home another gold in the men’s Ultra Combined, which is two downhills, three slaloms, four vodka shooters, and a fistfight with a bear.  He beat out the highly favored Russian team in this event.  Apollo Ohno has won 18 medals in various speed skating trials.  At the 500 meters Ohno had enough time to do a victory lap, then make a cappucino and present it to the silver medalist as he crossed the finish line.  Miller and Ohno are highly favored in the upcoming mens Competitive Snowman.  All medals won will be melted down and used to fund future Olympic teams.

These exceptional accomplishments are now marred by scandal.  Miller and Ohno are believed to have been using performance enhancing gamma radiation.  Rumors are circulating that the two have mutated their way to Olympic glory.  Last week during a standard training the two became angered at coaches, turned green and threw their bowflexes into a nearby lake.  The US Olympic team officially denies all claims that any of their athletes have been intentionally mutated.  “That’s Malarky!” says head coach Paul Swizzel.  “Pure horse-puckey every bit of it!  Why my boys are just as clean and healthy as the driven snow!  No crazy performance enhancing chemicals or radiation here I tell ya!”

Scientists, however, tend to disagree.  Dr. Salomon Vasloo of the Vancouver Science Institute confirms “What we are seeing here is beyond human capacity.  These are not men, they are more like the heroes of legend.  Prime physical specimens capable of feats beyond those of mortal man.  Only science could imbue such gifts, such that the gods of old either can’t or won’t.  Praise be to Science!  Amen.”

I don’t know what’s more disappointing – that they cheated, or that I missed the Ultra Combined final.

Entry Filed under: Sports,Weekly World News

2 Comments

  • 1. Cujo359  |  February 24th, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Were they bitten by radioactive spiders, or did they just rent some uranium?

    Curiously, the Vancouver Science Institute doesn’t have a website.

  • 2. Multi Medium » Wedn&hellip  |  February 24th, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    […] Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Olympic Edition Pt. II […]


Contact Eli





Feeds

Linkedelia!

Most Recent Posts

Archives

Categories

Calendar

February 2010
M T W T F S S
« Jan   Mar »
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728


Thinking Blogger

Pittsburgh Webloggers

Site Meter


View My Stats *