Archive for March 31st, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Sure, it’s all well and good to send kids to summer camp to lose weight, but does that really go far enough?

“We’re very proud of the campers who make it through the summer,” said Edith Nelson, director of Slow Burn Ranch.  “It takes discipline and courage to get through a program whose purpose is to help young children get ‘ripped.'”

Nelson is referring to her two-year-old establishment where kids receive ‘buff love’ from the counselors.

(…)

All of the counselors at Slow Burn Ranch are expert body builders.

“We strive for the Grecian ideal,” said two-time Mr. Galaxia winner, Harold Roscoe.  “It’s a mathematical standard based on the physiques of ancient Greek statues.  I focus mostly on resistance weight training.  It’s really adorable to watch these youngsters straining to heft five pound dumbbells over their heads.”

“We operate on a buddy system here,” said Olympic star Jezebel Tarte.  “No one goes home until they can clean and jerk their buddy.”

(…)

“We serve a lot of salad, pasta and fish,” said Nelson.  “They make faces at first and are all ‘Where’s the hot-dogs?’ and ‘Where’s the marshmallows?’  But since we remove the plates of those who complain, it’s not a mistake they repeat.”

Weekly World News asked a few of the campers how they found their time at Slow Burn Ranch.  “It hurts at first,” said six-year-old Sal Jones.  “Also, at second and third – they make us run bases with ankle weights.  But when I got used to it, it didn’t make me cry.  Too much.”

“It’s awesome,” said eight-year-old Steven Fisher.  “Wait till the kids in school poke my gut and find out it’s a six-pack instead of flab.  I’m like a superhero now – one of the cool ones, not a stretchy nerd or a fish man.”

“Most of the children have very positive experiences at Slow Burn Ranch,” Nelson said.  “It’s not just about getting buff.  Our campers all leave here with a wonderful set of muscle memories.”

I recommend making sure that your children are not able to beat you up.

March 31st, 2010 at 09:27pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Deja Vu Epic Fail

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before:

The Pennsylvania State AFL-CIO voted to endorse Senator Arlen Specter for re-election today, David Dayen reports at our News Desk.  The state chapter of the AFL-CIO joins SEIU’s Pennsylvania State Council in supporting Specter.

(…)

Arlen Specter didn’t vocally oppose the Employee Free Choice Act.  He single-handedly killed the entire bill.

At the outset of 2009, the Employee Free Choice Act was cruising along quite well. With a big investment from unions and their allies, and a vocal opposition from the Chamber of Commerce and other Big Business groups, the debate on the Employee Free Choice Act was in full swing in political circles and the news media. While contentious, there was little doubt in my mind some form of significant labor law reform would pass early that year. (Disclosure: I was working for SEIU’s Employee Free Choice Act campaign at the time.)

Then Arlen Specter acted on the only thing he actually cares about: his own political survival. He could feel GOP primary opponent Pat Toomey breathing down his neck. A poll was released in March showing Specter getting crushed in the primary. So Specter made a move he thought would redeem himself with angry primary voters: without warning, Specter announced he would oppose the Employee Free Choice Act. When I say without warning, I mean no one saw it coming. The first person to hear about Specter’s newfound opposition was freaking Grover Norquist, who announced the news to a roomful of conservatives one morning. Grover knew before union leaders knew.

(…)

And so today, the unions of almost 1 million working Pennsylvanians have thrown their support to Specter’s re-election, promoting the fallacy that Specter is “the strongest advocate and supporter of…workers’ rights.”

Hey, remember when NARAL and Planned Parenthood told their members to thank Lieberman and Chafee for pretending to oppose Alito’s Supreme Court nomination by voting no on the nomination but yes on cloture?  When are supposedly progressive interest groups going to wake up and stop supporting their enemies and fair-weather friends?

1 comment March 31st, 2010 at 11:39am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Choice,Democrats,Labor,Lieberman,Pittsburgh/PA,Politics,Republicans,Specter,Wankers

I’d Like To Buy An Argument, Please.

After reading this piece by Leo Hindery about how progressives have assumed the “loyal opposition” role abdicated by the Republicans, it dawned on me that we are now the only ones actually arguing with Obama and the Democratic establishment – all the Republicans have to offer is abuse and reflexive contradiction.

It’s just too bad that the progressives have so many DeBakeys.

March 31st, 2010 at 07:12am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Democrats,Obama,Politics,Republicans


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