Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

March 31st, 2010at 09:27pm Posted by Eli

Sure, it’s all well and good to send kids to summer camp to lose weight, but does that really go far enough?

“We’re very proud of the campers who make it through the summer,” said Edith Nelson, director of Slow Burn Ranch.  “It takes discipline and courage to get through a program whose purpose is to help young children get ‘ripped.'”

Nelson is referring to her two-year-old establishment where kids receive ‘buff love’ from the counselors.


All of the counselors at Slow Burn Ranch are expert body builders.

“We strive for the Grecian ideal,” said two-time Mr. Galaxia winner, Harold Roscoe.  “It’s a mathematical standard based on the physiques of ancient Greek statues.  I focus mostly on resistance weight training.  It’s really adorable to watch these youngsters straining to heft five pound dumbbells over their heads.”

“We operate on a buddy system here,” said Olympic star Jezebel Tarte.  “No one goes home until they can clean and jerk their buddy.”


“We serve a lot of salad, pasta and fish,” said Nelson.  “They make faces at first and are all ‘Where’s the hot-dogs?’ and ‘Where’s the marshmallows?’  But since we remove the plates of those who complain, it’s not a mistake they repeat.”

Weekly World News asked a few of the campers how they found their time at Slow Burn Ranch.  “It hurts at first,” said six-year-old Sal Jones.  “Also, at second and third – they make us run bases with ankle weights.  But when I got used to it, it didn’t make me cry.  Too much.”

“It’s awesome,” said eight-year-old Steven Fisher.  “Wait till the kids in school poke my gut and find out it’s a six-pack instead of flab.  I’m like a superhero now – one of the cool ones, not a stretchy nerd or a fish man.”

“Most of the children have very positive experiences at Slow Burn Ranch,” Nelson said.  “It’s not just about getting buff.  Our campers all leave here with a wonderful set of muscle memories.”

I recommend making sure that your children are not able to beat you up.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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