Archive for April 7th, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Earthquakes are apparently even more dangerous than we realized…

A relatively minor earthquake along the San Andreas fault opened a fissure deep within the center of the Earth.  Within minutes, all Hell broke loose – literally – in the small town of Canon!

“I was walking my schnauzer when I saw someone who looked just like Saddam Hussein strolling toward me,” 65-year-old Sara Allgood recalled.  “He stopped short in front of me, paused and then kicked my dog before darting furtively across the street.  I immediately called the police but they didn’t believe me, reminding me that Saddam was dead.”

(…)

“There was a sudden clamor down the street,” stay-at-home dad Chuck Vargas revealed.  “As I peered through the window, I saw a barbarian overturning trash cans one after the other!  He finally selected a suitable lid for a shield before stalking off.  That was when I noticed an inscription on his sword.  I looked it up online; it said, ‘I am Attila, King of the Huns.'”

Tammy Lyn Smith, a high-school cheerleader, was practicing handstands in her backyard when she was approached by a man in a Victorian high hat and cloak, carrying a surgeon’s bag.

“He pulled a scalpel from the bag and told me his name was ‘Jack,'” she said.  “From the look in his eyes, he seemed intent on doing me harm.  A well-placed high kick to a chin followed by a pom-pom in the eyes sent him howling off down the driveway.”

(…)

Police finally realized that these sightings of history’s most notorious vermin were no hoax.

“Professor [Ophelia] Virgil contacted us after hearing of the attacks and and told us what she thought had happened,” Police Chief Nick Beale told Weekly World News.  “We called police from every town in the country to help us search for the hellspawn.  By the time where we got to the corner where Lucrezia Borgia was selling spiked lemonade, we knew we were up against something bigger than all of us.  Bullets didn’t stop them and they just slipped through our handcuffs, laughing as they fled.”

(…)

Cops finally caught a break when Father Seamus Flynn made a citizens’ arrest, collaring Judas Iscariot.  “He was throwing rocks at our ‘Jesus Saves’ sign when I tackled him,” Father Flynn told police.

“Judas acknowledged we were facing a Hell-break of massive proportions,” Father Flynn said.  “I knew that a large-scale exorcism had to be performed immediately.”

Commandeering a mobile TV truck from the local cable station, Father Flynn broadcast the rites repeatedly as they rolled through the streets accompanied by a police escort.  One by one, the refugees began to vanish.  Fire crews pumped over a thousand gallons of holy water into the fissure to make sure they stayed ‘vanished.'”

“Hopefully, those ne’er-do-wells have learned their lesson,” Father Flynn said when it was all over.  “I also hope Our Lord forces Satan to reimburse the town for all the damage and overtime.”  He added with a smile, “It will give ‘hell to pay’ a whole new meaning!”

Yet another reason not to live in California.

1 comment April 7th, 2010 at 07:52pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

The Future’s So Bright, Bobo’s Gotta Wear Shades

Fun facts I learned from yesterday’s David Brooks column:

o America is in great shape because we will have 100 million more people in 2050.

o “[T]he real action will be out in the compact, self-sufficient suburban villages.”

o The 12% decline in people making $35,000-70,000 a year is due to a 14% increase in those making more than $105,000. Because apparently there are just as many people making over $105,000 as there are making $35-70,000.

o 60% of Americans made over $100,000 in at least one of the last ten years. And 40% made that for at least three.

o “[M]oral materialism… creates meaning-rich products.” NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THIS MEANS.

Obviously I’m living in the wrong universe. I need to move to Earth-Two where Bobo lives, because it sounds awesome. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m due for my $100,000 any time now.

April 7th, 2010 at 11:38am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Economy,Media,Republicans,Wankers

Poor Persecuted Pope

pope

Those damn liberals are trying to silence the Pope for political reasons!

“The pope defends life and the family, based on marriage between a man and a woman, in a world in which powerful lobbies would like to impose a completely different” agenda, Spanish Cardinal Julian Herranz, head of the disciplinary commission for Holy See officials, said on the radio.

(…)

Also arguing that Benedict’s promotion of conservative family models had provoked the so-called attacks was the Vatican’s dean of the College of Cardinals, Angelo Sodano.

“By now, it’s a cultural contrast,” Sodano told the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano. “The pope embodies moral truths that aren’t accepted, and so, the shortcomings and errors of priests are used as weapons against the church.”

Italian Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo, who heads the Vatican City State’s governing apparatus, also defended Benedict.

The pope “has done all that he could have” against sex abuse by clergy of minors, Lajolo said on Vatican radio, decrying what he described as a campaign of “hatred against the Catholic church.”

First they came for the pedophiles, and I did not speak up, because I am not a pedophile…

(h/t WT for the cartoon)

April 7th, 2010 at 07:30am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Corruption/Cronyism,Religion,Wankers


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