Archive for April 28th, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

The first rule of Woodland Fight Club is… do not talk about Woodland Fight Club.

While patrolling the western boundary of Yosemite National Park, ranger Jack Bailey heard animal screeches echoing throughout the densely packed fir trees.

“The only times I hear woodland creatures make those kinds of sounds is when they’re in jeopardy, pinned by a tree or wounded in a fall,” said Bailey.  “I went to investigate, prepared for the worst.”

However, Bailey couldn’t have been more surprised by what he saw in the small clearing.

“Twenty or so animals had formed a circle about ten feet in diameter,” he explained.  “The ring consisted of chipmunks, beavers, raccoons, groundhogs and even skunks.  They were all facing the center of the circle, where two squirrels were beating the heck out of each other.

“Those rodents were out for blood.”


“It was like one of those Ultimate Fighting Championship matches, but with little brutes instead of big ones,” Bailey recalled.  “Within minutes, one squirrel was pinned to the ground.  He tapped his tail frantically on the hard sod, ending the bout.  As the winner strode from the circle and the loser was pulled out by his two tiny legs, a pair of rabbits hopped into the ring and waited for the signal.

“….[T]he rabbits began thumping each other with their massive feet.  It wasn’t long before their white fur was flecked with red from wounds inflicted by nails and teeth.  The more badly injured of the two vomited and the smell of carrot filled the air.  It was awful.”

Weekly World News asked zoologist Dr. Mark Path why these animals might have formed this fight club.

“I suspect they’re training themselves to fight more dangerous predators,” he said.  Residential and commercial development has caused natural habitats to shrink.  As a result, there’s been an increase in the number of coyotes and foxes entering the park.  These little creatures may have finally gotten fed up being fed on.”

Believing that they posed no threat to humans, Bailey decided not to interfere with the miniature pit fighting.

“Although it’s uncharacteristic behavior, I have no right to interfere with the development of these animals,” Bailey said.  “However, I am considering selling tickets.  There’s a doe that just might be the next Ashley.”

Hopefully the next stage will be martial arts.  Kung fu squirrels and ninja skunks would be pretty damned awesome.

April 28th, 2010 at 08:46pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

I Agree With Jim Bunning! (And Dick Cheney)

“I thank God that I’m out of here in December… I have failed the American people.”

I also agree with Dick Cheney’s statement that telling Pat Leahy to go fuck himself was “sort of the best thing I ever did.”  Because when you think about all of his many accomplishments… he’s absolutely right.

April 28th, 2010 at 11:25am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Cheney,Politics,Republicans

Wall Street Vs. Regulation

The people who blew up the market claim that regulation would be bad for it:

Predictably, the industry is opposed to the mandates for greater transparency. As Reuters reported, “Exchange trading has nothing to do with reducing credit risk,” said Conrad Voldstad, chief executive officer of the International Swaps and Derivatives Association. “In fact, mandating that all swaps be exchange-traded will increase costs and risks for the manufacturers, technology firms, retailers, energy producers, utilities, service companies and others who use over-the-counter derivatives.”

My general rule of thumb is that we should generally ignore what Wall Street has to say about financial regulation. Investment banks lack the common sense to know what’s good for them. The financial sector opposed all the regulations that were good for it in the 1930s—i.e. the advent of the Securities and Exchange Commission and the creation of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. And the regulatory changes it requested and received in the past decade—eroding Glass-Steagall, getting the SEC to permit investment banks to increase their use of leverage—set the stage for the debacle of 2008.

For the past several decades, Wall Street has continually told Washington that if the Street can’t do things the way it always has, and if the government changes the rules to mandate greater transparency and customer protection, that the geniuses in Lower Manhattan won’t be able to make money, and it would stunt the industry. They’ve been wrong every time.

They’re like little kids who want to gorge themselves on candy and soda pop, never remembering that that always gives them a massive tummyache which makes them and everyone around them miserable.

Of course, in this case they get a very expensive magic pill to make the tummyache go away, but everyone else stays miserable…

April 28th, 2010 at 07:22am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Economy

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