Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

April 28th, 2010at 08:46pm Posted by Eli

The first rule of Woodland Fight Club is… do not talk about Woodland Fight Club.

While patrolling the western boundary of Yosemite National Park, ranger Jack Bailey heard animal screeches echoing throughout the densely packed fir trees.

“The only times I hear woodland creatures make those kinds of sounds is when they’re in jeopardy, pinned by a tree or wounded in a fall,” said Bailey.  “I went to investigate, prepared for the worst.”

However, Bailey couldn’t have been more surprised by what he saw in the small clearing.

“Twenty or so animals had formed a circle about ten feet in diameter,” he explained.  “The ring consisted of chipmunks, beavers, raccoons, groundhogs and even skunks.  They were all facing the center of the circle, where two squirrels were beating the heck out of each other.

“Those rodents were out for blood.”


“It was like one of those Ultimate Fighting Championship matches, but with little brutes instead of big ones,” Bailey recalled.  “Within minutes, one squirrel was pinned to the ground.  He tapped his tail frantically on the hard sod, ending the bout.  As the winner strode from the circle and the loser was pulled out by his two tiny legs, a pair of rabbits hopped into the ring and waited for the signal.

“….[T]he rabbits began thumping each other with their massive feet.  It wasn’t long before their white fur was flecked with red from wounds inflicted by nails and teeth.  The more badly injured of the two vomited and the smell of carrot filled the air.  It was awful.”

Weekly World News asked zoologist Dr. Mark Path why these animals might have formed this fight club.

“I suspect they’re training themselves to fight more dangerous predators,” he said.  Residential and commercial development has caused natural habitats to shrink.  As a result, there’s been an increase in the number of coyotes and foxes entering the park.  These little creatures may have finally gotten fed up being fed on.”

Believing that they posed no threat to humans, Bailey decided not to interfere with the miniature pit fighting.

“Although it’s uncharacteristic behavior, I have no right to interfere with the development of these animals,” Bailey said.  “However, I am considering selling tickets.  There’s a doe that just might be the next Ashley.”

Hopefully the next stage will be martial arts.  Kung fu squirrels and ninja skunks would be pretty damned awesome.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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