Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

May 5th, 2010at 11:21am Posted by Eli

Brilliant business idea or just the latest church scandal/insurance scam?

The American Church of Spirituality has initiated a new and unprecedented practice, one which many Christians have been calling ‘morally questionable.’

“When a soul goes to Hell, it affects not only the damned, but his or her family as well,” said Founder and Pastor Paul Winston.  “They suffer knowing their loved one is writhing in fiery agony.  That’s why our new program, soul insurance, is so important.”


“It happens more often than people would think,” said Winston.  “Even with our guidance, not everyone earns a place by Jesus’ side.  The least we can do is offer a substantial cash settlement for the families of unredeemed sinners.”

Weekly World News spoke to a few members of the congregation to get their thoughts on this new program.  Not everyone is happy with the policies they bought.

“My husband was a gambler, so we had a policy that cost us five thousand dollars a year,” said housewife Dolores Hayes.  “When he was killed in a car accident – while cursing another driver – doctrine declared that he must go to Hell for perishing with an oath on his lips.  That was six months ago and I still haven’t received any insurance money.”

Pastor Winston explained that Mr. Hayes’ death resulted in a probationary period in Hell, not a permanent sentence.

“Swearing is not an endless sentence to the pit,” he explained.  “There is no payout until it can be demonstrated that the incarceration is permanent.  In this case, according to church canon, the soul has a century to reform.  While I understand that this doesn’t necessarily fit in with Mrs. Hayes’ financial planning, she should be relieved that her husband may not suffer eternal damnation – not obsess over the fact that she may not receive a hundred thousand dollars for a hundred years.”

This raises the point of how the church verifies that a soul is, in fact, damned.  Pastor Winston explained.

“As you may imagine, there are many, many insurance agents in Hell,” he said.  “With the help of a medium, we contact these agents and ask for weekly status reports on our clients.”

Despite the updates, a number of parishioners are still dissatisfied with their policies.

“I did some checking, said Dave Roberts, who is the beneficiary of a policy in the name of his father, Joe ‘Light Finger’ Roberts.

“Of the two thousand policies they’ve issued in the past six months, only two have been paid out,” Roberts said.  “One was on a serial murderer, the other on Saddam Hussein.”

“That number proves how successful the church is at rehabilitating souls,” insisted Pastor Winston.  “You would think these people would be relieved to know that their loved ones are either in Heaven or Heaven-bound, instead of worrying about monetary gain.”

“I’m thinking it’s a scam, and Pastor Winston ought to take out one of his own policies,” said Roberts.  “The one that will protect him against the sins of greed and falsehood!”

Saddam Hussein was a member of the American Church of Spirituality???

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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