Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

May 26th, 2010at 08:53pm Posted by Eli

Awk-ward:

One morning, thirty-three-year-old Dan Marshal awoke and immediately felt something clutching his shoulders.

“I thought I was having a heart attack or something,” said the young man.  “I turned on the light and was surprised to see two little people clinging to my skin.  If that wasn’t freaky enough, they were miniature versions of myself.  One was angelic, the other devilish….”

(…)

Marshal’s new guests launched into a heated discussion regarding a moral dilemma he’d been wrestling with that week.

“They were both advising me on what to do about my boss, who I knew was embezzling from the company,” Marshal said.  “My good conscience ordered me to turn him in, while my bad conscience instructed me to let him off the hook because he had given me my first break – though it also suggested that I extort a little blackmail money for my silence.”

Assuming that he was the only one who could see his warring selves, Marshal got the shock of his life when he arrived at the accounting firm.

“Everyone was looking at me like I had three heads,” said Marshal, “which, actually, I did.  They could all see and hear my consciences.”

Marshal immediately visited his psychiatrist who, though astounded by the presence of these tiny advisors, had a theory about their existence.

“Intense emotional conflict excites the brain,” said Dr. Robert Stamford.  “It causes energy levels to increase dramatically.  Theoretically, if someone is experiencing enough distress, their mind can generate sufficient power to project their thoughts.  In Marshal’s case, his moral dilemma was so overwhelming that he conjured up these corporeal beings to help solve his problem.”

To put an end to his stress, Marshal chose a third option that neither of his small advisors had offered.

“I talked to my boss in private and pleaded with him to stop taking money from the company,” said Marshal.  “He respected my honesty and integrity and agreed to put an end to it.  The moment I made the decision, my little buddies vanished.

“It’s a good thing, too,” Marshal added.  “I was getting sick of hearing their non-stop bickering.  My conscience was literally killing me!”

I just have two questions about this story:

1) Does anyone at Marshal’s accounting firm read the Weekly World News?

2) How did he put on his shirt?

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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