Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

June 16th, 2010at 10:18pm Posted by Eli

It’s like the Exorcist version of “Man Bites Dog”…

When famed exorcist, Father Henry Flapps, received an urgent call to rescue the victim of demonic possession, he was completely unprepared for what happened.

“I arrived at the location at three a.m. and discovered that the request had come from a group of Satanists,” said Flapps.  “They were gathered in a small, black barn that that had been transformed into a demonic church on the fringe of a dark woodland.  Despite my reservations, I followed them into a hayloft that was decorated like a young girl’s bedroom.  There, I witnessed the most astonishing sight I could have imagined: a horned demon, sitting on the floor, legs crossed, combing a doll’s hair.”

The embarrassed Satanists explained that earlier that evening the novice demon, Revadac, had attempted to possess a little girl who lived in town.

“We didn’t realize that Revedac was dyspossessive – the demon equivalent of dyslexic,” Satanic leader Derrick Nethers told the priest.  “Because of this, he accidentally brought the girl’s spirit into his own body.  To save the demon – and, uh, of course to help the girl – we didn’t know who else to turn to other than the church.  Yours, I mean.”

(…)

“I knew that conventional exorcism rites wouldn’t work, so I had to improvise,” said Flapp.  “I first told the girl, whose name was Ashly, that her mother and father wanted very badly to see her again.”

Unfortunately the Ashly-possessed demon was too preoccupied primping her doll to be moved by Flapps’ appeal to her sense of family.

“I realized I had to arouse her more fundamental desires,” said Flapp.  “As much as it repelled me, I repeatedly made offers of vast amounts of ice cream and candy to coax her from the demon’s body.  I reasoned that, after all, this is sort of what we do when it comes to talking up the afterlife.”

After three exhausting hours, Flapp managed to draw Ashly from Revedac and sent her back to her own body, which was still asleep.

“I was overjoyed to have saved Ashly’s soul,” said Flapps.  “I also took some pride hearing that Revdac lost quite a few demon friends during an evening of hopscotch and tea parties.”

Tea parties will do that, all right…

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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