Archive for July 14th, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

It’s inspiring to see Bat Boy finally taking on a leadership role:

Washington, D.C. The White House announced this morning that they will be putting Bat Boy in charge of the newly created “Perfect Citizen” cyber program.

The program was created to detect cyber assaults on private companies and government agencies running such critical infrastructure as the electricity grid and nuclear-power plants. The surveillance by the National Security Agency, the government’s chief eavesdropping agency, would rely on a set of sensors deployed in computer networks for critical infrastructure that would be triggered by unusual activity suggesting an impending cyber attack. “Who better deal with unusual activity than Bat Boy?” a White House spokesperson said.

Even though Rod Blagojevich was lobbying to get the job, in exchange for his “silence” on  Valerie Jarrett (and everything else under the sun), a NSA spokesman said that Bat Boy was the only one seriously considered for the job. “Bat Boy has a long history of protecting America. Just eight years ago, he defused a terrorist bomb on a United Airlines flight from Amsterdam by urinating on it.”  The government feels that a half-bat, half-human being has an advantage in protecting Americans from cyber assaults. Bat Boy’s enlarged ears are good sound gathering devices, much like a satellite dishes. Bat Boy also has the ability to send out sounds, which will bounce against an object, then return to him for interpretation.


Defense contractor Raytheon Corp. won a classified contract for the initial phase of the surveillance effort valued at up to $100 million.  A Raytheon spokesperson said Bat Boy is a perfect fit for the program because he “can stay up all night, and he likes to eat insects and bugs, which we have in abundance around here.”


Vice President Joe Biden stepped to the podium to discuss the program at this morning’s press briefing dressed as Batman’s sidekick Robin. Biden said, “I love Bat Boy and I love Batman.  Bang! Pow! Kazam!”  When Robert Gibbs informed the Vice President that he had the wrong Bat family, a saddened Biden remarked, “can I still wear my costume to meet the Prime Minister of Israel?”  Gibbs responded tersely, “No, Joe.  You can’t.”

Bat Boy is already working as the Perfect Citizen.  He is monitoring your computer as you read this post. Please wave at your monitor.

This probably was the best possible choice.

*waves at monitor*

July 14th, 2010 at 08:20pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Strategery! Part II

CEPR calculates the costs and benefits of cutting Social Security:

  • The most frequently suggested [progressive price indexation] formula would imply cuts in benefits of 6.2 percent for a household in the in the middle income quintile between the ages of 45-49 in 2007 and 9.6 percent for a household in the middle quintile between the ages of 40 and 44 in 2007
  • Raising the normal retirement age 70 in 2036 would result in a 4.0 percent reduction in benefits for workers between the ages of 50 and 54 in 2007 and a 10.0 percent reduction for workers between the ages of 40-44
  • Reducing the COLA by 1.0 percent would result in a benefits cut of 12 percent for a retiree at age 75 and more than 20 percent at age 85
  • For retirees in the bottom income quintile at age 85 who were between the ages of 55 and 59 in 2007, reducing the COLA by 1.0 percent implies a 14.6 percent reduction in income and a cut of 16. 5 percent for retirees in the bottom quintile at age 85 between the ages of 40-44.

And how do these massive cuts impact the national debt?  Using CEPR’s Deficit Calculator, it looks it would cut the national debt by $861 billion (about 3.5%) over the next ten years, which if I recall correctly is considerably less the cost of Dubya’s massive tax cuts for the rich.  (Note: Simply raising the cap on the Social Security taxable wages to $180,000 would cut the debt by $877 billion all by itself)

So even ignoring the immorality of defaulting on the bonds Social Security has purchased to fund itself, it looks like Obama’s handpicked, Pete Peterson-funded commission of Social Security-hating deficit hawks is probably going to recommend some very painful – and unpopular – cuts that do very little to solve the supposedly urgent budget problem at hand.

July 14th, 2010 at 11:22am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Obama,Politics,Social Security,Wankers

Strategery! Part I

Steny Hoyer explains that the Democratic strategy this year will be to run against the disastrous Bush policies that the Democrats completely failed to oppose.  Combine that with a message about how the Democrats can’t get anything done because of Republican opposition, and that should be a winning message for sure.

July 14th, 2010 at 07:22am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Bush,Democrats,Elections,Politics

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