Archive for July 28th, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Yes, the Weekly World News does have a sports section:

Pitcher Pope Benedict XVI has signed with the Los Angeles Angels for the remainder of the 2010 Major League Baseball season.

The 83-year-old pitcher looked ecstatic after signing his one-year contract.  The Angels have now loaded up their pitching rotation by adding the Holy Father, a highly praised righthander, to their staff.

The move isn’t the first time that the Vatican has broken with tradition, but Pope Benedict wants to reach out to Catholics in America and there’s no better way than pitching for his favorite team.  The St. Louis Cardinals were disappointed, they thought their team was Pope Benedict’s favorite, but as the Pope said, “Angels are holier than Cardinals.”

Vatican sources were concerned that the Pope would not be able to wear his traditional gold cross while pitching, but Bud Selig, the Commissioner of MLB, said he will allow the Holy Father to keep it on. “Bless Bud,” said the Pope.

The Angels were going to acquire Dan Haren from the Arizona Diamondbacks in exchange for Joe Saunders, but at the last minute they decided instead to trade Joe Saunders to the Vatican for the Pope and two bishops to be named later.

The Angels will  not only have one of the best starting rotation in the American League, but they will have God on their side. “We really feel good about adding the Pope to our starting rotation,” Angels manager Mike Scioscia said. “This is a huge opportunity for us to upgrade not only now, but for eternity. To have real Angels rooting for us… that’s worth gold.  Hallelujah.”

Some baseball insiders are skeptical. “An 83-year-old on the mound, are you kidding me?  He’s gonna have to rely on a screwball, a change-up and a lot of prayers,” a laughing  Bob Geren, the Manager of the Oakland Athletics said.  Angels pitching coach, Mike Butcher said in response, “Geren can laugh all he wants, but PB has some pitches no major league player has ever seen.  He’s got a lot of movement on the ball.  We call one of his pitches “The Pope Popper.”  It just pops into the catcher’s mitt without PB ever moving a muscle.  Hallelujah.”

Non-Catholics, atheists and sinners in MLB are concerned that the Pope may favor Catholic batters, especially those named Jesus.  However, Scioscia said the Pope will be “charitable” to all.

Now they just need to hire Batboy as a batboy…

1 comment July 28th, 2010 at 11:43am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Tony Hayward Blames Everyone Else

Tony Hayward attempts to spread blame across the drilling industry like his failed rig has spread oil across the Gulf of Mexico:

BP maintains that it alone does not deserve all the blame for the April 20 accident and its aftermath, and it intends to pursue legal action to have drilling partners share in the cost of containment and cleanup. Those partners include Transocean, which operated the rig; Cameron, which built the blowout preventer that failed to shut down the well; and Halliburton, which cemented the oil drill into place underwater.

“It is clear the accident was the result of multiple equipment errors and human error involving many companies,” Hayward said in the webcast.


Hayward also defended his record on safety. “Safety, people and performance have been my watchwords,” he said. “We’ve made significant progress.”

Wow.  Way to man up and accept responsibility, Tony.  Even if we grant the rather shaky premise that Transocean, Cameron and Halliburton did shoddy work, it was BP calling the shots, and BP that made all of the fatally bad safety-last decisions that led inevitably to disaster.

It was BP that chose a wellbore design without seals or a liner – and then chose to skip the acoustic test which would have detected any flaws in Halliburton’s cement job.  It was BP that falsely claimed that BOP failures were “inconceivable” and declined to install a backup unit.  It was BP that cut corners on testing the BOP and ignored the presence of rubber sealant in the drilling fluid.  And it was BP that ignored all the warning signs of dangerous pressure and replaced the drilling mud with seawater.

In short, even if there were quality issues with Transocean, Cameron and Halliburton, BP deliberately turned a blind eye to potential problems in order to get the Deepwater Horizon pumping as quickly as possible, and now eleven people are dead and the entire Gulf ecosystem may be dying.  Heckuva job, Tony.

(Cross-posted at the Seminal)

July 28th, 2010 at 07:28am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Energy,Environment,Wankers

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