Archive for August 11th, 2010

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

This is why I never pick up my phone unless it’s someone I know:

Flip Mallard thought he’d finally be free of annoying telemarketers.

“I got a new number and promptly registered with the National Do Not Call List so I could say goodbye to unsolicited sales pitches,” he told Weekly World News.  “The only folks who would have my number would be friends and family.”

Silence was golden for a few weeks until Mallard started receiving phone calls in the middle of the night.

“It was way past two in the morning when the phone rang,” he said.  “I scowled at the Caller ID, which read ‘Caller Unknown – Out of Area.’  Furious at being awakened, I picked up the phone, determined to give whoever it was a severe tongue-lashing.”

“At first there was silence, then a low pulsing hum as if I were being connected over vast distances,” he said.  “Suddenly I heard what sounded like a cat caught in a blender.  In the midst of all that shrieking, I could’ve sworn I heard my name.  I figured it was my creepy coworker, Robert Bendis, trying to ‘punk’ me, so I screamed right back.  He screamed.  I screamed.  We both screamed – for a full five minutes.

“I finally hung up,” he said.  “But moments later, a bright beam of light shot from the night sky into my bedroom.  A hologram of slithering, tentacled, vaguely humanoid creatures with multiple breasts danced by my bed.  It was like an extraterrestrial version of Girls Gone Nova – and somehow I’d ordered it!

“That was when I realized I’d been alien telemarketed!”

In the weeks that followed, Mallard received more off-world sales calls.

“Evidently I was now fair game to every Tom, Dick and Q’uetztol out there,” he complained.  “Since I had ‘bought’ once, my name and number had been made accessible to other ETelemarketers.  Whenever the phone rang I was too scared to say anything, lest I accidentally order a molecular condensing weight loss program!”

The beleaguered – and tired – Mallard had no choice but to finally change his phone number again.

“Thankfully, the intergalactic calls stopped,” Mallard said.  “I haven’t figured out how to cancel the holograms, though, so I guess I’ll have to change my debit card number as well.

“Fortunately, pennies go a long way on their world.”

Hmm, a vacation in outer space is even more attractive now that I know the exchange rate is so favorable.  Also, I really, really love the word “ETelemarketers”.

August 11th, 2010 at 07:25pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

If You’ve Got Nothing To Hide…

Google’s Eric Schmidt thinks online anonymity is too “dangerous” to be allowed:

Speaking on a panel at the event, Schmidt argued that anonymity on the Internet is dangerous. “In a world of asynchronous threats, it is too dangerous for there not to be some way to identify you,” he said.

Schmidt took the stance that governments may eventually put an end to anonymity. “We need a [verified] name service for people,” he said. “Governments will demand it.”

He expanded on his thoughts in a separate interview.


“[I]f you are trying to commit a terrible, evil crime, it’s not obvious that you should be able to do so with complete anonymity. There are no systems in our society which allow you to do that. Judges insist on unmasking who the perpetrator was. So absolute anonymity could lead to some very difficult decisions for our governments and our society as a whole and I don’t think we want that either.”

This sounds an awful lot like arguing that the police should have everyone’s DNA and fingerprints on file because we’re all potential criminals.

August 11th, 2010 at 07:20am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Constitution,Technology,War

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