Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

1 comment August 25th, 2010at 07:03pm Posted by Eli

Perhaps even more terrifying than Sharktopus!

“I was inspecting the derricks when two of my riggers, Cass and Hob, came ripping over the dunes in a jeep with a crazed look in their eyes,” veteran wildcatter Wiley Gordon told Weekly World News.  “They breathlessly gasped that some ‘thing’ was after them and that I should hop in.  The only thing I could see was a dust devil whirling haphazardly in the dry Arizona desert.

“‘That ain’t no devil,’ Cass howled, straining to be heard over the wind.  ‘That’s some kind of giant monster!’

“I grabbed my binoculars but didn’t see a thing,” Gordon said.  “Suddenly, a terrible roar bellowed from within the earth!  The white sands erupted high into the clear sky as a vast tentacle launched itself upward followed by another and then another!  Slowly, the rest of the creature emerged, a hideous abomination more than one hundred feet tall with eight spindly limbs attached to the head and the torso of a snarling prairie dog.”

It was the part cephalopod, part gopher that the world would fear as Octopheron!

“The thing started yanking on oil derricks with its tentacles, snapping the structures like they were made of ice cream sticks,” Hob added.

“Octopheron was a bit slow moving in the hot sun, but he sure was determined to cause trouble,” Gordon said.  “He kept slithering and yanking down derricks as pools of oil spilled onto the desert floor.

“I told the boys to drive on, that I would find a way to deal with this menace,” Gordon said.  “Evading those deadly tentacles was tough because they were so darn big!  But I knew we were gonna go bust – and possibly be killed to boot – if I didn’t stop the thing.  That was when I remembered the oxyacetylene torch in my tent.  If I could ignite those oil slicks, we’d stop the threat and be eating fried calamari in no time.”

Gordon plodded through the sands as the lumbering behemoth closed in.  The wildcatter ducked into his tent and grabbed the torch.

(…)

“I emerged in the dust storm kicked up by the colossus and charged,” Gordon said.  “I lit the torch when I was near enough to hit it with the flame, but the land-going sea-thing had a surprise for me: a thick spray of black ink came shooting from somewhere deep in its belly.  I couldn’t be sure if it was ink or oil, and it didn’t much matter.  Once it hit, I couldn’t see anything but black.

“I dropped to the sand, scooping it against my face to try and absorb the gunk,” he went on.  “When I could finally blink my eyes open, much to my amazement, Octopheron was nowhere to be seen!  He hadn’t slithered off nor had he burrowed some place else.  He had simply disappeared – as if he had never existed, except for all this mess he’d made.”

Technically speaking, calamari is squid, not octopus.  Other than that, this story seems perfectly plausible.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

1 Comment

  • 1. Cujo359  |  August 26th, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    What mad genius decided to gene splice a burrowing mammal with a boneless aquatic creature?


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