Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

December 22nd, 2010at 07:58pm Posted by Eli

Peril in Rome!

“I was sipping a cappuccino on the Via Veneto when I heard yelling in the distance,” twenty-five-year-old graduate student Scott Gordon told Weekly World News.  “At first I paid no attention to the growing din, thinking it was fans at a bar cheering a soccer match.  I was wrong – dead wrong.

“Without warning, an Alfa Romeo sports car came sailing through the air as if it had been catapulted,” Gordon went on.  “It turned end over end like a hanging curve ball before smashing into the Neapolitan pastry shop across the street!

“Following the crash came a throng of Romans cursing vehemently as they ran pell-mell down the street, fleeing from some unknown terror.

“Suddenly a vast, pink tongue flicked out from behind a tall building,” Gordon continued.  “The fleshy organ wrapped itself around an empty sightseeing bus, then snapped back – taking the bus with it!

“The panicked mob surged forward, sweeping me along in their hysteria.  As I was pushed down the avenue, I suddenly saw to ‘whom’ the tongue belonged – or more accurately to ‘what.’  Incredibly, it was a weird hybrid of a giant frog and a gargantuan mushroom!”

It was, in fact, the abomination the world would soon fear as Mushribbita!

“The immense creature, more than one hundred feet long, came after us on its amphibious legs,” said gelato peddler Al Tino.  “Even in my nightmares I had never imagined something so hideous.  Its frog head was encircled by a frilly, fungal dome dome attached to a mushroom stalk torso from which its webbed feet extended.  It smelled musky and damp, like my socks after a day in the hot summer sun.  But worse.  Also, my socks don’t rip trees from the ground and eat them, as this titan was doing.

“As the crowd tumbled onto the Aventine, it ran smack into an onrushing police battalion,” Tino said.  “While the police herded the terror-stricken mob to safety, I ducked behind my cart.”

(…)

The crack antiterrorist team, Unit B Speciale Thirteen, quickly threw a cordon around the rampaging monster.  A phalanx of Rome’s Finest under the command of Captain Lucius Verona opened fire.

“My men blasted it with everything we had – bullets, tasers, grenades – all to no effect,” Capt. Verona explained.  “Since Mushribbita was part spongy fungus, it evidently had no internal organs on which to inflict a fatal wound!”

As Mushribbita croaked in triumph, its deep voice caused windows to shatter in nearby buildings, showering police with glass.

(…)

[A]s swiftly as he had arrived, the monster leapt out of sight.  For a few tense moments, the city was silent.  Then the roar of F-16s shattered the quiet.  Blazing across the sky, the Falcons flew in a tight V formation toward the ruins of the historic Colosseum.

“Mushribbita was scuttling up the walls of the ancient amphitheater as fast as its distorted physique could carry it,” Gordon revealed.  “Like some improbably gladiator perched on a precipice, the monster bellowed defiance.  Its webbed toes curled around the granite edifice as the goliath thrashed its forelimbs wildly at the incoming fighters.”

The behemoth’s pink tongue lashed out.  The F-16s smartly looped, evading the taste-bud-studded weapon, then streaked down at Mushribbita.  As the first tracers erupted, the barrage passed right through the colossus.

“Mushribbita suddenly became a formless, twinkling mist before vanishing into thin air – as if it had never existed!” Tino said later.

[T]he Italian Parliament blamed the incident on leftist extremists….

It’s the vanishing into formless twinkling mist that worries me.  What if that wasn’t mist at all, but a cloud of spores?  I’m definitely going to stay away from Europe for a while.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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