Archive for January 5th, 2011

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Today we learn about rare medical conditions:

STONEWARE, Colo. – “I’m putty in everyone’s hands,” said Bob Gray, looking back on his fifty years.  And it’s not surprising: he was born with a medical disorder that caused his entire body to have the consistency of clay!

Despite a lifetime of difficulties, Gray is lucky to be alive at all.  By a stroke of rare good fortune, the doctor who delivered him had read several articles about the strange condition in Weekly World News.  Immediately recognizing the rare disorder, the scholarly obstetrician’s quick action saved the newborn’s life.

“I used forceps to widen the birth canal so he wouldn’t be born like toothpaste,” Dr. Vern Caliper recalled.

Gray’s parents admit they were initially shocked at his appearance.

“Even with Dr. Caliper’s heroic efforts he looked like a pink Tootsie Roll,” recalled Bob’s father, Todd.  “But after a few medical tests, the doctor confirmed that he had Kaolinemia – Clay Man Syndrome – which results in pliable bones, skin, internal organs and muscles.”

(…)

Dr. Caliper immediately began kneading the boy back into the shape of a normal baby.

“I was even able to select the shape of his chin, to make it more like his dad’s,” Gray’s mother, Gwen, smiled.

Now, as a middle-aged adult, Gray looks completely normal except for the faint letters “maR egdoD” on his forehead, the result of recently being struck by a pickup while crossing the street.  He was otherwise unharmed, a benefit of his condition.

“Oh, I’ve been healthy enough physically,” related Gray.  “But it’s been an emotional nightmare.  All my life people have tried to shape me into something I’m not.  My high school basketball coach rolled me on the gym floor until I was a seven-foot-tall beanpole.  It was humiliating.

“But that wasn’t as bad as the time I fell asleep in the first grade,” shuddered Gray.  “I was at my desk with my chin resting on my hands.  I awoke to screams and realized my lower jaw was squished up against my nose.  The teacher grabbed me by the ear to take me to the nurse but it kept stretching like Silly Putty.  That got a lot of laughs and kind of broke the tension.  I had to spend study hall putting myself back together.

“But there were some advantages,” he went on.  “What would have been a broken leg for other kids was nothing more than a rebending for me.  And a little twisting and pinching made my face grotesquely horrifying for Halloween.”

(…)

Bob, who works as a bricklayer, has been married for times and blames the breakups on being too impressionable.

“I’ve been nothing more than a Play-Doh plaything for all my wives,” Gray sighed….

“Maybe I’m just not firm enough with my women,” he added.  “Females seem to have a power over me – I melt when I’m around them and fall in love in about two minutes.  My buddies continually warn me not to get bent out of shape, but I’m putty in their hands.”

Fortunately, things are looking up for Bob.  He recently met a fine lady who seems to like him just the way he is.

“I’ve never been happier,” he said.  “Doris encourages me to be myself.  In fact, I’m considering quitting my job and trying something totally new and different.  Now that I have my confidence back, I’m not afraid to do something in the public eye.

“Maybe I’ll do some modeling.”

I have to confess, the phrase “I used forceps to widen the birth canal so he wouldn’t be born like toothpaste” will probably haunt me for as long as I live…

January 5th, 2011 at 07:55pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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