Archive for March 9th, 2011

The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Apparently Newt doesn’t make much distinction between the various forms of passion…

“There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” said Gingrich.

Look, I get it.  Some people love America so much that just looking at the flag or persecuting a Democratic president is enough to give them a hard-on.  Put that together with a whole lot of congressional hearings about blowjobs and, well, what happens, happens.

Now I’m wondering if extramarital affairs will be the new American flag lapel pin…

March 9th, 2011 at 08:50pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Republicans,Wankers

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Well, it’s good that he’s keeping busy…

Representatives of FAO Schwarz, the famous New York City toy store, have confirmed that Charlie Sheen has purchased the Barbie Foosball Table for $24,999.99.

In an official statement, the ritzy toy emporium explained: “Mr. Sheen visited our store many months ago and showed serious interest in the Bonzini Babyfoot Barbie Foosball Table. At the time, he was staying across the street at the Plaza Hotel’s Eloise Suite. As was well-documented by the press, his stay was cut short due to Mr. Sheen’s unexpected hospitalization and he was unable to return to the store to finalize his purchase.

We heard from Mr. Sheen’s camp earlier this week and the table has finally been shipped to his residence. We believe Mr. Sheen will enjoy the Barbie Foosball Table. It combines two of his primary interests: blondes and winning.”

An assistant for Mr. Sheen confirmed, “Charlie likes games, especially if they involve teams of lovely ladies. He has already scheduled ‘Ladies Night: The Annual Charlie Sheen Barbie Foosball Tournament’ for this weekend. It will begin on Saturday, with finals taking place on Sunday morning at 4:30AM. Charlie is picking the teams and has included both former and current residents of his home.

He asked Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller to join, but both turned down his offer of ‘Team Captain.’ All the girls will be required to wear custom all-pink uniforms. The tank top says ‘Charlie’ across the front and the short-shorts say ‘Winning!’ across the backside. Charlie couldn’t be happier. He is assuming the role of ‘Tournament Referee’ and even bought a pink whistle.”

I hope this will be televised.  How about it, Mark Cuban?

March 9th, 2011 at 12:05pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

What Passes For Budget Honesty On The Right

Joe Scarborough acknowledges the significant role of tax cuts, defense spending, and wars in turning the Clinton budget surplus into a massive deficit… then proceeds to focus on cutting Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid to balance the budget.

Umm, why not just roll back all the tax cuts and military spending that you yourself admit blew the hole in the budget in the first place?  Sounds crazy, I know.

March 9th, 2011 at 07:55am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Economy,Media,Politics,Republicans,Social Security,Taxes,Wankers

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