Special Guest Sharknado Blogging

July 31st, 2014at 05:53pm Posted by Eli

As a special treat for all your Sharknado needs, I have obtained an exclusive Sharknado 2 review from the shadowy and mysterious Codename V:

As I recall, I was unable to snark on part one due to it being unexpectedly brilliant and I could find nothing at all to pick apart.

As far as part 2 is concerned, it was expectedly brilliant and equaled the majesty of the first one, and possibly eclipsed it. I cannot decide if Ian Ziering riding a shark through the tornado like a pony and landing on top of the Empire State Building (part two) is more glorious than him chainsawing his way through a shark and saving the woman who had previously been eaten (part one).

Then again, he did manage to reach inside a random shark and come out with a pistol STILL ATTACHED to his ex-wife’s severed hand. He then used the pistol (STILL ATTACHED TO HIS EX-WIFE’S HAND) to kill a shark, and then removed his ex-wife’s ring from her rubbery dead hand and re-proposed to her with it. Not to mention, his ex-wife had by this point replaced her missing hand with a bandsaw. So, I think we have to give part 2 the edge.

Ian Ziering did also repeat his now signature move of chainsawing his way through a shark. As well as sawing a different shark in half with a cool Matrix-esque bullet time effect. And possibly used a few sharks as stepping stones to cross a flooded street, although I could have been hallucinating that.

Sharknado 2 really delivered with the “celebrity” cameos. I felt a kind of catharsis when Kelly Osbourne lost her head, only to find myself shouting “Nooooo!” when Will Wheaton met his end only minutes later. It is fair to say that Sharknado 2 takes the viewer on an emotional roller coaster ride, with both tragic lows and triumphant highs. Jared from Subway was there. He looks exactly the same as he did like 20 years ago, which is a little bit creepy.

There were a couple of moments of predictability. For example, some of the characters were running through a baseball stadium holding baseball bats, and I said “someone is going to hit a shark with a bat.” Sure enough, there was a shark home run. Is this being predictable, or is this giving the audience what they want to see? I think the answer is obvious. I mean it was a SHARK HOME RUN.

The inclusion of Al Roker and Matt Lauer gave the film an air of credibility. The sharknado weather reports, complete with scientifically accurate charts of the shark weather system and probability of shark precipitation helped to visually explain the phenomena.

The cast of supporting characters, including Sugar Ray, Vivica Fox, and that chick who used to be on Remote Control (I loved Remote Control) were used efficiently. It was kind of easy to tell who was going to live or die, based on how emotionally attached they were to Ian Ziering, but I appreciated that. After the painful loss of Will Wheaton in the opening scene, I wasn’t really prepared for any more surprises.

Some minor points:

1. Is it possible to get all of the components one needs for a homemade bomb at a bodega?

2. I feel like the shark home run should have occurred with the giant novelty bat, rather than the normal-sized bat. Why have a giant novelty bat otherwise?

3. I feel like part 3 needs a Henry Rollins cameo. No – not a cameo. Henry Rollins needs to be one of the supporting characters. He may or may not sacrifice himself for the greater good.

4. Why wouldn’t anyone believe Ian Ziering when he said there was about to be another sharknado? I mean it had already happened once. How much proof do people need?

In conclusion, Sharknado 2 is the Citizen Kane of Shark Weather System movies.

I can’t add anything to that.

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Movies

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