Posts filed under 'Great Headlines'

Headline Of The Day

On the NY Daily News homepage:

‘You have urinated on my jacket,’ said the president to the monkey

June 25th, 2009 at 07:19am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines,Weirdness

Headline Of The Week

From the NY Daily News’ Giants blog:

Eli fulfills prophecy

And don’t you forget it, suckers.

January 22nd, 2008 at 06:23pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

From the Newsday sports page:

Satan nets another game-winner against Devils

I know treachery is his thing, but that’s pretty damn hardcore.

1 comment November 10th, 2007 at 10:45pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Scariest Headline Of The Year

This certainly came as a surprise to me…

Eli up for attorney general

Um, shouldn’t someone be calling me or something? Do I need to update my resume?

(h/t rockyb in FDL comments)

2 comments November 8th, 2007 at 10:50pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

From the Daily Mail:

Lesbian foot specialist struck off after posing in bondage gear, and saying ‘f*** Easter’ in front of nun

These things happen, I guess.

(h/t the shadowy and mysterious Codename V, despite being temporarily down for maintenance)

October 20th, 2007 at 09:01pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

From Discovery News:

Invasive Toads Getting Arthritis

Take that, invasive toads!

October 16th, 2007 at 11:03pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Strange Moments In Legal History

Hard not to notice a headline like Court Won’t Declare Chimp a Person, but the story itself is pretty interesting too:

He’s now got a human name — Matthew Hiasl Pan — but he’s having trouble getting his day in court. Animal rights activists campaigning to get Pan, a 26-year-old chimpanzee, legally declared a person vowed Thursday to take their challenge to Austria’s Supreme Court after a lower court threw out their latest appeal.

A provincial judge in the city of Wiener Neustadt dismissed the case earlier this week, ruling that the Vienna-based Association Against Animal Factories had no legal standing to argue on the chimp’s behalf.

The association, which worries the shelter caring for the chimp might close, has been pressing to get Pan declared a ”person” so a guardian can be appointed to look out for his interests and provide him with a home.

Group president Martin Balluch insists that Pan is ”a being with interests” and accuses the Austrian judicial system of monkeying around.

”It is astounding how all the courts try to evade the question of personhood of a chimp as much as they can,” Balluch said.

(…)

The legal tussle began in February, when the animal shelter where Pan and another chimp, Rosi, have lived for 25 years filed for bankruptcy protection.

Activists want to ensure the apes don’t wind up homeless if the shelter closes….

Their upkeep costs about euro4,800 (US$6,800) a month. Donors have offered to help, but there’s a catch: Under Austrian law, only a person can receive personal gifts.

Organizers could set up a foundation to collect cash for Pan, whose life expectancy in captivity is about 60 years. But they contend that only personhood will give him the basic rights he needs to ensure he isn’t sold to someone outside Austria, where he’s now protected by strict animal cruelty laws.

In April, a district court judge rejected a British woman’s petition to be declared Pan’s legal guardian. That court ruled that the chimp was neither mentally impaired nor in danger, the grounds required for an individual to be appointed a guardian.

(…)

The Association Against Animal Factories points out that it’s not trying to get Pan declared a human, but rather a person, which would give him some kind of legal status.

Otherwise, he is legally a thing. And with the genetic makeup of chimpanzees and humans so strikingly similar, it contends, that just can’t be.

”The question is: Are chimps things without interests, or persons with interests?” Balluch said.

”A large section of the public does see chimps as beings with interests,” he said. ”We are looking forward to hear what the high court has to say on this fundamental question.”

I suspect that Pan and his friends don’t have much of a legal leg to stand on, but I’m rooting for ‘em.

September 27th, 2007 at 08:19pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines,Weirdness

Headline Of The Day

In today’s Washington Post:

Custom-Made Mice Have Served Men for Decades

Now I’m picturing them dressed up like wee little rodent butlers…

1 comment August 27th, 2007 at 11:37am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

In today’s NYT:

Dancing Elmo Smackdown

Be sure to click through for the photo of Chicken Dance Elmo. Alas, no photos of Chicken Dance Elmo actually being set on fire…

2 comments July 26th, 2007 at 11:37am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

Courtesy of the AP:

Voracious Jumbo Squid Invade California

Eeeeek!

See, this is the kind of thing that happens when you send the National Guard overseas.

July 25th, 2007 at 02:12pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Scariest Headline Of The Week

From LA Voice:

Tom Cruise Buying The Galaxy?

Apparently it’s the MLS soccer team, although I wonder if Tom knows that.

(h/t Mutant Poodle)

1 comment June 22nd, 2007 at 09:56pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

From today’s WaPo:

Man Clad in Underwear Pins Leopard

Awesome.

May 29th, 2007 at 06:07pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Least Informative Headline Of The Week

On the front page of today’s WaPo:

Behavior Not Unique To Humans

Hooray for Science and its many wondrous insights!!!

(The headline on the story itself is a bit more meaningful, fortunately.)

1 comment March 19th, 2007 at 09:53pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines,Science

Simple Answers To Simple Questions

Headline on my Hotmail fluff/news screen:

Can you learn how to be charming?

No.

1 comment March 6th, 2007 at 11:47pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

Op-Ed in today’s NYT:

Don’t Fall for Hot Pink Camels

I think we can all agree that this is very sound advice.

2 comments February 19th, 2007 at 02:12pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

Skinny Models and Sheep

Do I even want to know?

5 comments February 7th, 2007 at 09:45am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

From the NYT Letters section:

The Train Ate My Pants.

3 comments December 11th, 2006 at 11:04pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Week

Satan Feels Pressure to Score

(That’s the front-page headline; the actual article headline is a bit less… provocative)

Hard to put my finger on my favorite part of the story itself, but it’s probably the part where the coach gives Satan a pep talk.

And let me just reiterate my wish for Satan to get traded across the river, because just one “Satan Leads Devils to Victory” headline would make my decade.

1 comment November 22nd, 2006 at 03:08pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Week

Ambush Keeps Dutch Pants Outside Stadium

I’m really having trouble with the visual here.

Ooo, better yet – it was in the Business section.

June 17th, 2006 at 07:11pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Scary Headlines!

Just a couple of headlines I found rather… alarming.

Scary Headline #1:

Robot Birth Simulator Gaining Popularity

I suppose this could be useful if your robot gets pregnant.

Scary Headline #2:

Candy-Maker to Buy Dog Treat Manufacturer

Must not think about it, must not think about it…

April 15th, 2006 at 06:26pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

From NY Newsday:

New dad Satan helps Isles beat Devs

Actually, the headline when you go to the article itself is not so interesting, but I like the subheadline:

“Satan sees first child born in morning, then scores goal in shootout”

It’s so… humanizing!

See if you can read the entire article without giggling. I couldn’t.

1 comment March 3rd, 2006 at 12:36pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines,Quotes,Sports

Headline Of The Day

Restaurant attorney says flying shrimp not to blame for death

3 comments February 8th, 2006 at 03:23pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Do I Really Want To Know?

Headline for Amy Dickinson’s column in today’s Newsday:

“Visible panty lines: another great divide”

I ain’t clickin’ on that, especially not at work.

December 16th, 2005 at 03:05pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Stay Away From Atlanta!!!

Incredibly alarming Newsday sports headline:

Bates, Satan lead romp in Atlanta

Unfortunately, the article itself has a more mundane headline, but that’s the one that’s on the front page of the sports section.

5 comments November 17th, 2005 at 04:41pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Double-Take Sports Headline Of The Day

“Satan misses the boat”

I didn’t even know Miroslav Satan was playing for the Islanders – I
may have to worship- er, root for them now.

I still think it’s a damned shame he doesn’t play for the Devils…

2 comments October 11th, 2005 at 12:35pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines,Sports

Inexplicable Headline Of The Day

From the NYT front page:

“To More Inmates, Life Term Means Dying Behind Bars”

Um, isn’t that, like, the definition of life imprisonment?

October 1st, 2005 at 12:35pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under:
Great Headlines

Caption Of The Day

“Kinship with On Your Knees Cave Man.”

I shit you not.

2 comments August 26th, 2005 at 02:22pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

Headline Of The Day

Brazilian bandits pull off big boob job
More than 400 breast implants nipped from postal service van

Truly, we are in the End Times now.

July 14th, 2005 at 05:38pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

*snicker*

I just noticed – on the New York Times website, where they have their little “INSIDE NYTIMES.COM” row of pics and links for featured articles, there’s a picture of John Tierney captioned “Tierney: Worse Than Death”.

Okay, so I’m easily amused, sue me.

1 comment July 13th, 2005 at 10:57am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines,Media,Wankers

Headline Of The Day

From the NY Newsday sports section:

Matsui swollen, hopeful

June 14th, 2005 at 10:23am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Great Headlines

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