So, to sum up the family history of Sarah Palin, the darling of religious conservative “values voters”:
Son Track gets divorced after being married for 18 months. Baby was born six months after wedding.
Track himself was born 8 months after Palin wedding.
Daughter Bristol has a baby out of wedlock, lives across the country from the father.
They sound like some kind of immoral godless liberal stereotype, to be honest. But hey, as long as you keep saying all the right things, you can have sex with children and sheep for all the Republican base cares.
Because, after all, without Dubya’s decision to use military force against terrorism, we never would have killed bin Laden… with a small strike force in a heavily-fortified compound in a military town in a country we didn’t invade.
Sarah Palin explains that her party lost the 2008 presidential election because she wasn’t at the top of the ticket. But hey, kudos to her for not playing the victim card. Or, more accurately, for bragging about how she never plays the victim card.
Yes, Sarah “Blood Libel” Palin actually said that.
I think this is just hilarious, especially considering how much of Palin’s identity is invested in how she’s such a mighty and experienced frontier huntress:
The Conservative blogosphere, usually a forum for cheerleading on behalf the Palin cause, was awash yesterday with suggestions that her outdoorsy image is an elaborate charade.
“I turned on Sarah Palin’s Alaska and she just shot four maybe even five times at a caribou and missed,” noted a typical comment on the Fox News host Sean Hannity’s website. “Needless to say I’m not impressed with her ability to handle a firearm let alone aim it and hit.”
Among the basic items of protocol blithely ignored by Palin as she set off into the wilderness in a Rambo-style headband was her failure to take practice shots, or check the sights of the rifle, which duly turned out to be off-kilter. She failed to carry her own weapon, relying on her elderly father and his companion, Steve, to lug it around. When a beast eventually wandered into range, Ms Palin left Chuck Snr to load the rifle, and discharge spent bullet casings.
“What a joke,” wrote one viewer on Palin’s Facebook page. “I was a fan before the show. No one who is a true hunter lets others carry their rifle or can’t load their own shells. Sarah, you are a phony.”
The Awl, a website which collated reactions to the episode, noted that, while being passed the firearm, Ms Palin immediately moved her finger inside its trigger guard, a breach of basic safety rules. After missing the caribou several times, she then appeared to panic and shot at the beast while it was still moving, a technique usually avoided by all but the very best marksmen.
On leaving her hunting camp one morning, Ms Palin pointed to the horizon and declared “Let’s go west.” There followed an awkward pause. “That’s east,” noted her father.
The cognoscenti was meanwhile perturbed that the fact that Palin seemed scared by her weapon, a small gun described by Chuck Snr as a “varmint rifle”. Several times during the episode, she anxiously asked: “Does it kick?”
“What kind of a question is that?” wrote a fan called Brad Schegel on Palin’s Facebook wall. “Doesn’t matter if it kicks or not, you shoot it the same. That was a girly question, momma griz.”
So. Lame. No one could have anticipated that Sarah Palin would turn out to be a self-aggrandizing phony.
I think we finally have a hook to get immigration reform passed! Sarah Palin and Joe Lieberman have accidentally shown us the way forward with their very rational and well-informed responses to Wikileaks’ Cowardly Attack On The Very Foundations Of Our Civilization.
No wonder others are keeping silent about Assange’s antics. This is what happens when you exercise the First Amendment and speak against his sick, un-American espionage efforts.
All we have to do is point out that if the GOP doesn’t allow undocumented immigrants to become American citizens, they’ll never be able to legally charge any of them with treason! (Or call them un-American without looking like idiots, but obviously that’s not much of a deterrent.)
Thanks, Joe and Sarah, for showing us the way! You are like two radiant beacons of stupid, casting your blinding light upon a sea of, well, mostly more stupid.
This country was founded on compromise. I couldn’t go through the front door at this country’s founding. If we were really thinking about ideal positions, we wouldn’t have a union.
Gee, I must have missed the part where the Founding Fathers reached a compromise with the British to obtain our independence. And, as dday points out, the Republicans have done pretty well for themselves with their steadfast refusal to compromise on anything.
(Note: I include the YouTube mainly because I first thought it said, “Pres. Obama: I’m happy to be tased by GOP next year”, which seemed… unusually candid.)
2 commentsDecember 7th, 2010 at 06:33pmPosted by Eli
“Inexplicable: I recently won in court to stop my book ‘America by Heart’ from being leaked, but US Govt can’t stop Wikileaks’ treasonous act?” Palin wrote on Twitter Monday morning, following the whistleblower site’s explosive publication of 250,000 classified documents.
Palin was referring to her own battle earlier this month against Gawker, which posted pages of her book online before its publication date.
Ah yes, of course. Because a website located in America and subject to American laws is just exactly the same as a website which is, y’know, not. Not to mention the fact that she didn’t prevent Gawker from leaking her book, she merely got them to take the excerpts down after they had already been posted for anyone to copy.
And my favorite part: Accusing a foreign website and a foreign national of treason. Brilliant.
1 commentNovember 30th, 2010 at 07:39amPosted by Eli
Speaking to Fox New’s Sean Hannity in an interview to air Monday, Palin said she wants nothing to do with Katie Couric, the CBS Evening News anchor who’s line of questioning facilitated one of the most memorable political foibles of the 2008 presidential campaign.
“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No,” Palin told Hannity of Couric, according to excerpts obtained by Time’s Mark Halperin.
“I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting,” Palin continued. “I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported. And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us.”
“Does this reporter make my ass look stupid?”
“No, your stupid ass makes your ass look stupid. And so does saying stuff like, ‘I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism.’ Also.”
During the premiere of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” Sunday night — a boy named Tre who went to school with the Palin kids wrote a status update that read, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska, is failing so hard right now.”
The comment sparked an intense response from Willow — who replied on the boy’s wall, “Haha your so gay. I have no idea who you are, But what I’ve seen pictures of, your disgusting … My sister had a kid and is still hot.”
Willow followed up that comment with another that read, “Tre stfu. Your such a f**got.”
After more users began to gang up on the Palins, Willow dropped another message that read, “Sorry that you guys are all jealous of my families success and you guys aren’t goin to go anywhere with your lives.”
Hey, remember when Sensitive Mama Tolerance Grizzly wigged out over Rahm’s “fucking retarded” quote?
Just as we’d be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the “N-word” or other such inappropriate language, Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them – is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.
What a lovely and enlightened sentiment. Funny that she doesn’t seem to have a problem with her daughter using the word “faggot,” though. Why, it’s almost as if slurs that can’t be applied to her own family members don’t count. Or maybe she just doesn’t think gays are God’s children, or that anyone loves them.
I think it’s hilarious that the guy who masterminded George W. Bush’s rise to the White House is so offended by the idea of unqualified nitwits like Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell running for office, especially the oval one. Maybe if he’d held that view 10-15 years ago we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now.
What more appropriate publication to write about Sarah Palin than Vanity Fair? Michael Joseph Gross has a long but amazing profile of Herself in the latest issue. Adjectives that come to mind include: thin-skinned, vindictive, secretive, manipulative, callous, angry, selfish, greedy, and phony. There’s also some interesting nuggets about her nasty sockpuppety supporters and use of suspiciously ephemeral shell PACs to launder her speaking fees.
And then there’s this:
There’s a general consensus in town that, at least since the start of the 2008 campaign, Todd has been shouldering the bulk of the parenting and that Sarah’s relationship with her children has grown more distant. The children did not, as Sarah has claimed, have a chance to weigh in on her decision to run for vice president. She did not even deliver the news to them personally; as has been reported, she asked McCain’s campaign manager, Steve Schmidt, to do it for her. Todd reportedly told Sarah that, if the children spent too much time on the campaign trail, they would pay a price: grades would tumble and discipline would fall apart. When she agreed to serve as McCain’s running mate, one of her children was already failing in school, according to campaign aides. But Sarah, these aides say, seemed comforted by having the children around, and she seemed lonely when they were gone. An aide overheard conversations between Sarah and Todd in which Sarah tried to make a self-serving argument sound selfless, holding that the campaign was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, one that she could not deny the children. “I don’t care what it costs,” she said. “I want them here.” Although the couple hired a nanny to help the children with their homework, little homework got done.
On the road, aides say, Sarah spared the rod. When one child refused to sign autographs unless she was provided with pink or purple Sharpies that had been custom-printed with her name, the staff tried to argue that black Sharpies—the only kind they had—would do just fine. But Sarah ordered them to do what the child said, and personalized pink and purple markers were produced. Another time, when one daughter wanted to have her hair and makeup done by Palin’s campaign stylists (the children’s grooming was not part of their job), Palin’s initial response seemed like an old-fashioned lesson in manners. According to an aide, Palin told the daughter that, since she was seeking a favor from the stylists, she should ask them nicely herself and see what they said. When the stylists apologetically told the girl they didn’t have time that day, Palin, incensed, sent the child back to give them a message: “Tell them they don’t have a choice. They have to do it.” And so they did. Despite railing at the press for invading her family’s privacy, Palin showed little ambivalence during the campaign about making some aspects of the childrens’ private lives public to serve her interests. Soon after her nomination, she brought up with McCain aides the subject of Bristol’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy by Levi Johnston: “Would it be good for the campaign if they got married before the election?” she asked, and went on to wonder whether one weekend or another would be more advantageous for media coverage.
Mr. Heath said he was careful about nudging his daughter toward the things that interest him.
“I don’t want to push the wrong button with Sarah,” he said. “Besides, she doesn’t make the decisions. Let me retract that. I’m sure she thinks them over and she has a lot of say as to yes and no.”
Um, if Palin isn’t calling her own shots, then who is? Todd? Or does she have some “handler” in the GOP or Tea Party movement? Was she the decider when she was governor, or was someone else running Alaska for her half-term? Was it really her idea to quit?
Over the weekend former Governor Sarah Palin delivered the keynote address to the first annual Tea Party convention in Tennessee. She spoke about several topics including how Democrat policies will turn the country into a socialist post apocalyptic wasteland, general conservative talking points, and who is allowed to use the word “Retard.” For ten minutes she made jokes about President Obama and his dependence on teleprompters. Photographic evidence has shown that she was also given notes during her speech, but wrote them on her hand. If this will affect her standing with the arch-conservative Tea Party remains to be seen, as they have yet to correctly use the term “Irony.”
Palin criticized Democratic policies for nearly an hour without ever being too specific. Most of her political critique consisted of “Democrats are like this…” then repeating quotes in a silly voice while crossing her eyes and flailing her arms. The crowd loved it. “I mean, Socialized Healthcare, Oh my god! Right?” She continued “And President Obama, what kind of butthead can be President for a year and get nothing done? I’m not going to reduce myself to name calling here, I’m just asking a question. His actions are leading this country straight into chaos and it will take serious measures to get us back on track!”
She mentioned that Rahm Emmanuel should be fired for referring to people as “Retards.” She also said that it’s okay when Rush Limbaugh calls his opponents “Retards.” “Because he’s Rush, ya know? When he says it, it’s, you know, whatever! You get it, right crowd?” The crowd cheered in support of her argument. After her speech she asked everyone to friend her on facebook and twitter.
Though Democrats are criticizing Palin for writing notes on her hand, and referring to them often when she was asked questions, it is unlikely she will face any repercussions within the Republican party. One insider states “she’s just way to popular to get in trouble.” Another anonymous source says, “Oh yeah, when you’re that popular and pretty, people let you get away with anything. Like last year she totally lost her son, then three months later found him in the back of a closet. Everybody just covered for her afterwords.”
Talk of succession was rampant, despite not being on the official agenda. Overall the week long event led to a stronger and more polarized Tea Party as a whole, unified by the poor decisions made after “discount moonshine happy hours” at local bars.
Come to think of it, this doesn’t really sound all that different from what we’ve already heard…
Obama using a teleprompter? Proof that he’s a lightweight. Sarah Palin using notes scrawled on her hand? Still more evidence of her down-to-earth humanity, and possibly even A Spot Of Brilliant Gamesmanship!
CARLSON: I think she did it on purpose. I think she did it on purpose, yeah. Because it’s an exact opposite of reading off the teleprompter with a script written for you with every word in a sentence and here’s she’s just taking crib notes on her hand. It makes her look like she can just talk off the cuff and she just jotted down a few couple notes before she went out to give a big long speech.
DOOCY: I think she did it because she probably does it a lot. I do that all the time. […]
KILMEADE: But to sit there and look at, and do the interview and look down at her hand, I think that is — like you said before, Gretchen — folksy, absolutely, down-to-earth, I can identify. But if you’re going to write on your hand, why not just say, ’staffer, hand me a card.’ And then it would be okay.
CARLSON: Nah, like I said, I think it was on purpose. But anyway, we we may never know.
Ah, I see. She deliberately made herself look like a clueless boob in order to draw attention to what a clueless boob Obama is. It was, like, satire – but at the same time totally demonstrated her bond with all the other good ol’ red-blooded American cheaters out there. Genius!
5 commentsFebruary 8th, 2010 at 08:41pmPosted by Eli
Now there are many, many ways Sarah Palin could help this country. Running for President will never be one of them. You listen to her long enough and actually feel yourself getting dimmer by the minute, like a dying light bulb.
If her vision and grasp of even the most basic issues – with or without cribnotes – were any lighter, you would have to tie a rock to her to keep her from floating away.
….When she doesn’t like Rahm Emanuel, the President’s chief of staff, using the word “retards” to describe liberal groups, she says Emanuel should be fired.
Then her buddy Rush Limbaugh comes out and says, “Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.”
Chris Wallace asked her about that Sunday, and Palin practically wrestled herself to the ground so she didn’t make Limbaugh – who seems to take her seriously – mad at her. What Palin tried looked trickier than some yoga positions.
Palin: “Rush Limbaugh was using satire.”
No, he wasn’t. If Palin believes that, she really is more limited, and bubble-headed, than Paris Hilton. If not, she is simply a transparent phony.
The very best news of the weekend? It’s now official that she can fit her entire political philosophy in the palm of her hand.She thinks she is some kind of dream candidate for her party when the truth is that Palin is only a dream candidate for the other party.
All her friends on the right, the ones who treat her like a hot version of Margaret Thatcher, are afraid to say that. Or call her out for being the lightweight that she is, same as she was afraid to call out Limbaugh. So they all deserve one another.
Awesome. It seems like there is literally nothing that will make the Republican base realize what a lightweight scam artist she is.
1 commentFebruary 8th, 2010 at 07:13amPosted by Eli
Hmm, I wonder if some of the conservatives are finally realizing that craziness and bigotry, well, kinda makes them look bad. First their efforts to keep the CA Prop 8 trial off-camera, and now this:
Word from Nashville on Monday was that the First National Tea Party Convention next month will be closed to the press, other than for a limited number of “selected” journalists. No word on who or how many.
This from the people who brought us last summer’s media-saturated Town Hall meetings.
The restrictions apparently apply to the much-anticipated speeches by Sarah Palin and Minnesota’s own Michele Bachmann.
Organizers say that journalists without passes will not be allowed into the convention at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel. (A Star Tribune request for a pass was denied, the paper’s interest in covering its home-state congresswoman notwithstanding).
Convention spokesman Judson Phillips informs us that most of the sessions are closed “at the request” of the presenters. “Given the media interest, I don’t want the sessions disrupted and overrun with the media,” he said.
While organizers are offering to help set up interviews with speakers, they said Palin will not be available.
Since when have Palin or Bachmann ever shied away from the media spotlight? Something has changed.
1 commentJanuary 12th, 2010 at 07:25amPosted by Eli
So I had this horrible right-wing e-mail forwarded to me, promoting the latest work of this horrible woman who appears to be the Ann Coulter of children’s books. At first I thought the illustration that accompanied it was merely godawful, but then I noticed that the Sarah Palin figure actually had a halo around her head (can’t be the sun; check out where her shadow is), which got me to thinking that there may be hidden depths here that only a trained art historian can plumb.
Thus I enlisted the aid of Noted Art History Scholar, The Shadowy & Mysterious Codename V, to perform a more in-depth analysis of the iconography of this… striking illustration, and hopefully explain why Governor Palin is carrying a bag full of penises:
My first impression on viewing this work is “OMG MY EYES, MY POOR EYES.” But I realize this is not helpful from an art historical perspective.
The predominant figure is a woman who appears to suffer from some sort of gigantism of the head and neck. Whether or not this is a human figure is debatable. She carries a bag which appears to be full of severed male genitalia (it is not academically appropriate to say weenises, so I won’t), although closer inspection suggests they are likely tubes of lipstick. She apparently has small laser beams coming from one of her eyes. A halo surrounds her abnormally large head.
A disheveled rat stands nearby, pointing at her in an accusatory manner. Two small derelict children stare one, one in horror, the other joyfully.
What does this all mean? I shall now apply the vast knowledge of iconography that I learned over the weekend whilst writing a paper about the Northern Renaissance. I am pretty sure this work here isn’t Dutch. That’s unfortunate, as I mostly know Dutch symbolism. Also you can rest assured that I am COMPLETELY PROFESSIONAL and would NEVER MAKE THINGS UP. Let’s proceed.
The woman’s stance suggests that she is probably kind of bitchy. I would be bitchy too, if 90% of my body mass was in my head and neck. Her bag of lipstick-manparts symbolizes her sadness at not having one herself. The halo represents the fact that someone is a little too fond of the airbrush tool in Microsoft Paint. The small laser beams are in fact a 15th century Flemish symbol for Tron, which makes complete sense in the context of this work as a whole.
The angry rat symbolizes the bubonic plague. He’s pointing at her, so we can safely assume that she is a carrier. Or possibly she has his rat-manparts in her bag of doom.
The two children are a bit of a mystery. They are stylish enough to wear high top Converse All-Stars, but bizarrely choose trousers that seem to be held up magically by one giant button. They look slow. And that’s being generous. One is happy, one is… not. Therefore I conclude that they symbolize the classic Greek concepts of comedy and tragedy, as this entire work of “art” is both comic and tragic.
Despite obvious stylistic similarities to works from the Italian Renaissance (see below) I can only conclude that this is an example of Early 21st Century Crap.
Yeah, what John Nichols said. Just because people thought Reagan was a stupid lightweight too, that doesn’t make them the same, any more than their shared lousy approval ratings make George W. Bush into Harry Truman. Sometimes people think you’re an idiot because… you’re an idiot.
I would further add that all talk of qualifications aside, Reagan was a soothing, reassuring presence, whereas Palin is, for want of a better word, alarming. I can absolutely understand an apolitical person who goes with their gut voting for Ronald Reagan solely because of his persona. Sarah Palin, not so much.
To put it another way: Ronald Reagan scared liberals; Sarah Palin scares non-conservatives. See the difference?
In case all the publicity around her new book is going to her head, Sarah Palin is receiving some sobering news in a new ABC News/Washington Post poll: She’s not all that popular.
The former Alaska governor’s popularity score is a negative 9, with 43% liking her and 52% seeing her unfavorably.
“Favorability is the most basic measure of a public figure’s popularity; in politics, where majorities win, it’s trouble when it goes negative, as it’s been for Palin since October 2008,” notes ABC’s poll maven, Gary Langer.
There’s more bad news for Palin: A solid 60% say she’s not qualified to be President, and 53% say they definitely would not vote for her in 2012.
Sooo… 7% of Americans would vote for Palin even though they don’t think she’s qualified to be President? Fascinating.
1 commentNovember 16th, 2009 at 08:02pmPosted by Eli
The latest offensive stupidity from Sarah Palin, who, quite frankly, is capable of little else:
Speaking to a fund-raising banquet of Wisconsin Right to Life, the former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee asserted that if policy-makers don’t believe a child in the womb is valuable, then “perhaps the same mind-set applies to other persons.”
“What may they feel about an elderly person who doesn’t have a whole lot of productive years left,” Palin asked an audience of about 5,000 who paid $30 each to hear her speak in an airplane hangar-like exhibition hall at the Wisconsin state fairgrounds just outside of Milwaukee. “In order to save government money, government health care has to be rationed… [so] than this elderly person that perhaps could be seen as costing taxpayers to pay for a non-productive life? Do you think our elderly will be first in line for limited health care?
“And what about the child who perhaps isn’t deemed normal or perfect per someone’s subjective measure of their use or questionable purpose in the eyes of a panel of bureaucrats making our health care decisions for us,” she continued.
Well, you know, if Grandma or Trig is camped out inside a woman’s uterus, then yes, I believe that woman has the right to remove them. But I don’t see what that has to do with healthcare reform.
1 commentNovember 8th, 2009 at 01:32pmPosted by Eli
Sarah Palin will be appearing on Oprah in November. The former governor is training for what she believes will be a “rough and tumble” interview.
“I know what the media’s like. I know they’re gunning for me. So I’m gonna be prepared.” This was Sarah Palin’s reply as she was training for her upcoming appearance on the Oprah Winfrey program. The former governor of Alaska will be on to talk about her new book “Going Rogue.”
“You Liberal media types are all out to get me. And this is the most powerful woman in the world. So you better believe I’m gonna be ready,” Palin said while doing bench presses. To prepare for the interview in Chicago she is going through tough physical training. Each day she runs 3 miles and kills a deer with her bare hands, in addition to a rigorous gym schedule.
“Oprah’s studio is the bleeding heart of Chicago liberalism. I’m a pilgrim in the lion’s den down there. I’ve seen these types of shows. I know what happens.” Palin had her personal trainer throw chairs at her, which she would mostly avoid. “You never know what left-wing wacko will want to get a piece of the Maverick.”
Palin also spent an hour in a butcher’s freezer punching a large slab of meat. “You see this cow?! I killed this myself! That’s how we do it in Real America! Yeah!”
Her training is not just for a possible physical confrontation though. “My preparation is both mental, and physical,” insists Palin. “They try to trip you up by asking meaningless trivia: ‘find China on a map’ ‘what’s the Bush foreign policy?’ Whatever, I’m gonna be ready.” According to her trainer she spends hours each day playing sudoku and quizzing herself from Trivial Pursuit cards. “She tried reading the New Yorker once, but got frustrated and shot it with a gun. That gun scares me.”
Sarah Palin is covering all her bases in making sure she isn’t blindsided by the show. “I’m gonna handcuff Todd to a chair before I leave Alaska. Then I know you aren’t pulling one of those crazy, ‘your husband is really a woman’ kinda shows.”
The infamous Sarah Palin XBOX 360 was autographed at the governors picnic on July 24, 2009, in Wasilla, Alaska, just two days before her resignation as governor of that state. You can own this 60GB, perfect-condition, one-of-a-kind item before her expected run for president of the United States of America in 2012.
Although, admittedly, there is a part of me that’s not entirely convinced that this won’t sell. Hey, how much did Sarah get for her book?
Sarah Palin spoke to a group of private Chinese investors in Hong Kong [last Wednesday]. Despite glaring ignorance about the region, the audience, and the topic at hand, the group found her folksy and charming.
“I’m going to call it like I see it,” she said early in her speech, “and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A. First there’s a deli on the corner, next to that is the barber shop…” She then went on to describe her hometown for the next 20 minutes. The assembled group of Chinese investors were bewildered, and a little disappointed. “We hired her to get a perspective on rural America, not just her town.” While Palin was mid-way through a story about the first time she made out outside a Dairy Queen, an aide whispered in her ear and she moved on with the speech.
“Ya know, our cultures are very different, but we share common dreams. Where I come from, in America, we look up to mavericks who drift away from the herd. Here, ya’ll are like those terracotta soldiers. You respect same-ey-ness. But we can all agree that we strive for the same dreams: free-market economic opportunity without government regulation.” At this the group of investors applauded loudly.
Finding new energy, Palin’s speech rambled on for an extra 15 minutes, about how the investors should channel the strength of the ancient samurai, about the tragedy of David Carradine’s death, about the one Asian couple in Alaska that she’s “pretty sure” are Chinese, how popular Pad Thai is around the world, and how “it’s great America and China can come together like this after we kicked your butt in the war.”
The assembled investors seemed confused but enjoyed the speech thoroughly. “After years of living outside an American hegemony, it’s wonderful to see this is the person who almost ran your country.” Another anonymous guest said, “Oh she was great! I wanna hire her for my kid’s birthday!”
I know you’re all very sad about Sarah Palin’s departure from the governorship of Alaska, but as the Weekly World News reports, in tragedy there is opportunity:
Sarah Palin, having resigned from being Alaska’s governor, is moving out of the governor’s mansion. To help speed the process she is holding an enormous yard sale.Outside of the mansion folding tables were filled with personal bric-a-brac and state treasures, each labeled with a hand-drawn price tag.
Fifteen mounted heads from Sasquatches Palin had shot were on sale. Each came with a certificate of authenticity citing that it was indeed a genuine Sasquatch, and detailing how it had died. Also available were 36 stuffed wolves the former governor had shot from a helicopter. They were all sold to one gentleman who said he wanted to start a pre-school.
A gold nugget, mined from the Alaskan Yukon in 1845 and formerly displayed in the mansion’s rotunda, was tied to a price tag that read $18,000. At the time of printing this item had been reduced to $16,500 with still no buyers.
Available as a set were 18 Alaskan breed mole men, coming complete with steel cage. The mole men stood an average of 2 and a half feet tall, and had previously been used to do Sarah Palin’s dry cleaning, and snow-mobile repair.
Of particular interest was a large filing cabinet which had been painted with red letters “Top Secret Files.” When asked what used to go into this filing cabinet Palin replied “Oh Nothin.’ Just… recipes.” Security agents kept reporters from investigating a large bonfire being held in the back yard at the same time.
Among the remaining doilies, quilts, and “Last Minute Pardons” available for sale, was a large anti-aircraft cannon. The price tag indicated that Mrs. Palin had used this to keep the Russians at bay from her back yard. Moscow denied any official comment regarding whether their planes were ever fended off by anti-aircraft fire from Mrs. Palin. The cannon is currently being shipped to the top of the Weekly World News headquarters in New York City.
The NY Times takes a stab at explaining Sarah Palin’s sudden resignation. Their theory is basically that her inability to balance her state responsibilities with her national aspirations, coupled with her inability to not be a corrupt self-absorbed moron, has made her so miserable and unpopular at home that she just doesn’t want to be governor anymore.
I think it’s not so much that she’s miserable as governor (although she very well may be), as that she just enjoys the adulation-rich, responsibility-free world of being a conservative icon to all the drudgery of actually governing a state, especially now that she can’t use it for personal enrichment or settling scores. Alaska has served its purpose of making her a national figure, and now it’s a burden and a hindrance. By ditching it, she can pursue her dream of gallivanting around the country talking to adoring crowds of Joe The Plumbers and getting filthy rich off of book deals and wingnut welfare.
And, of course, I still believe that she’s vain and delusional enough to run for president, but I don’t think too many people outside the Republican crazy base are going to want to elect another petulant narcissist who views the presidency as nothing more than the sum of its perks.