Posts filed under 'Puns'

Monday Media Blogging

It’s the K-pop version of the story of the ant and the grasshopper.  Or something.  Whatever it is, I like it.

YouTube Preview Image

1 comment October 22nd, 2012 at 08:50am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Monday Media Blogging,Puns

Another One For Dad

What do Jewish bodybuilders say to congratulate each other?

“Muscle tov.”

1 comment June 4th, 2011 at 01:37pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns

In Case My Dad Is Reading…

Show me the people in charge of Cambodia’s ancient temples and I’ll show you Angkor management.

1 comment May 17th, 2011 at 09:14pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns

My Genius Sci-Fi/Horror Movie Idea

“Hell Toupee.”

‘Nuff said.

August 29th, 2009 at 06:04pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Movies,Puns

Endorsement Update

Washington Post:

With endorsements coming in from California, Iowa and Indiana, Sen. Barack Obama yesterday pulled even with Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton in the race for support on Capitol Hill, as Democratic lawmakers shrugged off his recent struggles.

Obama (Ill.) received the backing of Rep. Baron P. Hill, a conservative from a critical district in southern Indiana; Rep. Bruce Braley, an Iowa freshman who grabbed a Republican seat in 2006; and Rep. Lois Capps, who has held her liberal Santa Barbara, Calif., seat for five full terms and whose son-in-law works for the Obama campaign.

Hill also spills in The Hill about why he’s thrilled to shill for Obama (Ill.) over Hill on the Hill.  Which fills Bill with ill will.

I think I may have sprained something.

(h/t TeddySanFran for the WaPo story)

May 1st, 2008 at 07:25pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Clinton,Elections,Obama,Politics,Puns

My Can’t-Miss Product Idea

Giallo Pudding Pops.

The ad campaign would feature Bill Cosby in the throes of a bizarre psychosexual rage, using the product to slaughter people in a variety of lurid and creative ways, his trademark impish grin frozen into a Joker-like rictus of doom.

I don’t see how it could possibly miss.

giallopudding.jpg

(Artist’s conception by the shadowy and phenomenally talented Codename V.)

March 26th, 2008 at 06:20pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Movies,Puns

My Brilliant TV Concept

It would combine two of America’s favorite things: Reality shows, and monster movies. It would be sort of like Punk’d, only with monsters. And I would call it…

Candid Gamera.

As a special bonus, the celebrity guests would be eaten alive at the end of each episode.

March 11th, 2008 at 06:45pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns,TV

Hey, NANDsome.

This is pretty cool: A 64GB SSD (Solid State Drive); in other words, a 64GB hard drive made entirely of flash memory. Fast, durable, low-energy, no moving parts.

I wonder how much it weighs. Is it, say… a pound of flash?

UPDATE: Performance comparison against a regular hard drive. I think SSD is definitely The Future, but it’ll take time for the price to become manageable.

November 11th, 2007 at 04:26pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Puns,Technology

Something My Dad Would Say

Show me a surrealist Tibetan leader, and I’ll show you a Salvador Dali Lama.

As a bonus mental exercise, try to visualize this.

1 comment October 26th, 2007 at 06:48pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns

Product Idea

How about Quicken bookkeeping software for smartphones and PDAs?

They could call it “Quicken Little”.

October 16th, 2007 at 11:56pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns

Great Moments In Dreams

I just woke up from a dream in which Ricardo Montalban pulled up in his limo to personally tip me off to a Paraguay Enquirer story about an eccentric millionaire who likes to eat turkey that’s been microwaved into a bloody liquid. When I went to investigate (and things get a bit hazy here), it turned out that this was actually cover for what the millionaire was really doing, which was feeding the turkeys (and possibly people) to carnivorous albino crab-spiders.

Also from the same dream (I think), a TV show idea about a retired vigilante superhero turned defense attorney: It would be called “Batlock”.

4 comments October 4th, 2007 at 06:55am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns,Weirdness

Thought For The Day

If the Devils updated their team uniform, that would mean they’d have a new New Jersey jersey.

Just thought I should point that out.

2 comments August 16th, 2007 at 02:34pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns,Sports

Sunday I’m-Going-To-Hell Blogging

YouTube Preview Image
The Dr. Seuss Bible.

And if that’s not enough, I offer the following question:

Does a military chaplain ever wear an Army surplice?

1 comment May 20th, 2007 at 12:30pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns,Religion,TV

Question

If Republicans think Rudy is the closest thing to Dubya among their presidential candidates, does that make him the Big Apple Decider?

5 comments March 13th, 2007 at 07:47am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns,Rudy

If???

Money quote from today’s NYT lead editorial:

If General Qanbar and Mr. Maliki plan to continue shielding militias like the Mahdi Army, this new drive will be doomed before it begins.

This is not an if, it’s a certainty. Maliki is only in power because Sadr allows him to be, and the Bushies either don’t notice or don’t care. Any move to take on Sadr is doomed to failure, especially if it depends on one of his clients for success.

The three most plausible explanations I can think of for this doomed approach are:

1) Stupidity and incompetence. This can never be ruled out.

2) Looking busy. The administration wants to look like they’re taking bold decisive action while they run out the clock so Iraq becomes President Gore’s problem (“How’s that for an inconvenient truth? In your face, Captain Nerdboy! Heheheh.”).

3) Provocation. Create a military disaster that you can blame on Iran, so you have an excuse to bomb some democracy and gratitude into them.

A few thousand troops is a small price to pay for Dubya to finally achieve his lifelong goal of nuking the shit out of somebody. I’m sure the troops will be happy to make the ultimate sacrifice so that their president can experience a momentary erection. We could call it Operation Die-agra.

January 17th, 2007 at 10:19am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Bush,Iran,Iraq,Politics,Puns,Wankers,War

Kurtzes Foiled Again

First Stanley, now Howie. (Why yes, I do have a great big man-crush on Glenn Greenwald – the question is, Why don’t you? “I’m a woman” is an acceptable response, but only just this once.)

I suppose it’s possible Howie was speaking facetiously or sarcastically, but it’s hard to tell for sure. If it had been, say, the All-Seeing Eye Of Froomkin, I might be more inclined to give the benefit of the doubt.

Glenn also thinks that at least some of the media is awakening from the hypnotic trance that Bush and Rove put them in six years ago (“Focus on the cocktail weenie as I wave it back and forth… When I count to ten, you will fall into a deep, relaxing sleep…”). I hope he’s right, but I’m not convinced. I think any underbus-throwing that they might be doing now is not so much an awakening of conscience so much as a desperate attempt to salvage the last shreds of their credibility.

Just as the first rule of parasites is to not kill your host (and risk starvation), the first rule of propaganda in this country is to not be too obvious (and risk irrelevance). Of course, the Republicans haven’t been very mindful of the first rule, so it’s probably unrealistic to expect them to heed the second.

2 comments December 5th, 2006 at 10:45am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Media,Politics,Puns,Wankers

Dibs

As David (Austin, TX) points out, Iowa governor Tom Vilsack is currently the only official candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination for 2008, making him the undisputed frontrunner at this early stage.

With that in mind, I would like to trademark the following words and phrases as mine, all mine, and what they are too.

“Sackmentum”

“Sackceleration”

“Sack Attack”

“It takes a Vilsack.”

“Where there’s a Vilsack, there’s a way.”

And, just in case he does win the nomination, I absolutely want royalties every time the Republicans refer to him as “Nutsack”.

I had another one I liked but couldn’t find a use for (might’ve been “Sackrilege”, but I don’t think so). Will update if I can remember it…

5 comments November 13th, 2006 at 09:28am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Democrats,Elections,Favorites,Politics,Puns

I Bow.

From tonight’s Family Guy, in which Brian and Stewie enlist in the Army:

Drill Sergeant: “I’m sure you’ll do your country proud tomorrow morning, when you’re all shipped off to Iraq.”

Brian: “WHAT?”

Stewie: “Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure he means Fraggle Iraq.”

1 comment November 5th, 2006 at 09:28pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns

Worshipping The Crystal Methiah

Alternate Titles: “God Bless This Meth,” “Gaydenfreude.”

Oh, okay, so the hard-right homophobic evangelical leader is merely a drug addict. Just so long as he isn’t gay…

The Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals and one of the nation’s most influential Christian leaders, admitted today that he had purchased the illegal drug methamphetamine from a gay escort in Denver, but denied that he ever had sex with the man.

Mr. Haggard resigned as president of the evangelical association and stepped aside as senior pastor of the New Life mega-church in Colorado Springs, Colo., on Thursday after Michael Forest Jones, a self-described former gay prostitute, accused him of having a sexual affair for three years and using the drug, commonly known as crystal meth, during those encounters.

(…)

Speaking to the Denver television station KUSA outside his house in Colorado Springs today, Mr. Haggard said a Denver hotel referred him to Mr. Jones for the purpose of getting a massage. He said he met with Mr. Jones and bought the drug. “I was tempted, I bought it, but I did not use it,” he said today. The station posted the video interview on its Web site.

(…)

He also had said he had never met the man making the accusation.

Um. So… which is it, then? Was he buying the meth through the mail? Over the intermeths?

Mr. Jones, 49, told KUSA that Mr. Haggard had paid him for sex over the last three years, and that he had methamphetamine several times.

“People may look at me and think what I’ve done is immoral,” Mr. Jones, who said he is no longer a prostitute, told KUSA. “But I think I had to do the moral thing in my mind, and that is expose someone who is preaching one thing and doing the opposite behind everybody’s back.”

(…)

Mr. Haggard has been a supporter of an amendment to the state’s Constitution banning same-sex marriage, on which Coloradans will vote next week….

“It made me angry that here’s someone preaching about gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex,” Mr. Jones said.

So who to believe? The right-wing fundamentalist leader who hates Teh Gay, or the ex-gay prostitute who hates Teh Hypocrisy? It’s a tough call, but I’ll pick the ex-gay prostitute every time, as long as his name isn’t Gannon. Or isn’t not really Gannon. Or, um…

I’ll come in again.

8 comments November 3rd, 2006 at 05:38pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Politics,Puns,Wankers

Question

With all the Vietnam deja vu that the Iraqi occupation is generating lately, I think it’s only fair to ask:

Did someone bury Vietnam in a Tet Sematary?

We don’t want to live our strife again.

3 comments October 25th, 2006 at 07:50am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Iraq,Puns,War

Career Advice

Now that Rove aide Susan Ralston has resigned, I expect she’ll go into the lobbying business to take advantage of her A-list Republican contacts and all the tricks she must have learned from Jack Abramoff.

My recommendation: Entice White House spokeswoman Dana Perino into partnering with her. Call the new firm “Ralston-Perino.”

2 comments October 6th, 2006 at 10:20pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Politics,Puns,Wankers

Niche Marketing

If I had any musical talent whatsoever, I would market myself as the world’s first gangsta crooner, using the nom de mic “Bling Crosby.”

5 comments September 26th, 2006 at 07:37am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns

Oh Dear.

Via Kyklops, some extreme weirdness from Japan:

Japan has recently claimed the world air guitar championship, but Weekly Playboy (10/2) notes that less well known is that Japan already had a world champ in another virtual sport — air sex!

Just like air guitar pits competitors prancing around on stage empty handed but acting as though they were playing a hot riff, air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone.

(…)

“You must be warned, though… air sex can be very dangerous,” Sugisaku says. “Normally what happens with a display is that you perform the same way you normally would when having sex. I’ve seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they’re still virgins. I’ve also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous.”

Japan’s reigning air sex world champion is a fella who goes by the name of Cobra. His theory for successful air sex is that it involves more than just blowing.

“On the day that I reached the top, the day I became world champion, I was thinking of my girlfriend. No, my ex-girlfriend. She’d just dumped me two days before the contest,” Cobra tells Weekly Playboy. “The air sex display I put on that day was, in my mind at least, supposed to be the farewell fling I really wanted to have with my girlfriend. It was the best possible condition I could have been in going into the competition.”

Cobra then proceeds to put on an 8 1/2-minute display of air sex for the weekly, with moves including ear nibbling, sphincter licking, attaching a condom while kissing, ejaculation and afterglow. Cobra says that the knack of bogus bonking lies in openness.

“You can’t care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you’ve got to immerse yourself in the air sex world,” Cobra says. “Air sex can’t be performed in half-measures. If it is, you’re only asking for trouble.”

So, I have to ask… do they achieve airgasm?

4 comments September 22nd, 2006 at 12:08am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns,Weirdness

Ad Nags Nags Ads

From the reliably hacktacular Adam Nagourney:

From Rhode Island to New Mexico, from Connecticut to Tennessee, President Bush is emerging as the marquee name in this fall’s Congressional elections – courtesy not of his Republican Party but of the Democrats.

A review of dozens of campaign commercials finds that Mr. Bush has become the star of the Democrats’ advertisement war this fall. He is pictured standing alone and next to Republican senators and members of Congress, his name intoned by ominous-sounding announcers. Republican candidates are damned in the advertisements by the number of times they have voted with Mr. Bush in Congress.

(…)

There is Mr. Bush on television screens in Colorado… leaning over to plant a big kiss on the forehead of Representative Marilyn Musgrave, a Republican.

There is Mr. Bush on the television screens in New Mexico, standing on a stage shoulder-to-shoulder with Representative Heather A. Wilson, a Republican struggling to keep her seat. “Heather Wilson supports George Bush on the war in Iraq with no questions asked,” the announcer says, in an advertisement for Patricia Madrid, the Democrat.

(…)

The strategy has risks. In part, the goal of the Democrats’ advertisements is to rile up their base. But Glen Bolger, a Republican pollster, said that the constant attacks on Mr. Bush appeared to be accomplishing something Republicans had been unable to do: riling up Republican base voters.

“One thing we are seeing in our polling is that the Democratic campaign is helping to jazz up Republican voters,” Mr. Bolger said. “There are two concerns among Republicans: Is our base going to turn out, and how are we going to get out swing voters. The Democrats are taking care of our first concern.”

Many Republicans, and some Democrats [true to form, Ad Nags does not name any], say it will be hard for Democrats to win unless they go beyond attacking Republicans and offer a program of their own. And Ken Mehlman, the Republican national chairman, said the Republicans’ own experience in politics suggested that running against someone who is not on the ballot is challenging. “The last time this kind of morph ad was tried was in ’98 when we tried to nationalize the races against Clinton and it didn’t work,” he said.

(…)

Mr. Bush’s image this fall is being invoked by Democrats as a proxy for Americans who want change in Washington; who oppose the war in Iraq; who think Mr. Bush has not done enough to protect the nation from future terrorist attacks; or who are angry with changes Mr. Bush has pressed in Medicare.

“It’s not just photos,” said John Lapp, who runs the Democratic campaign committee’s independent advertising program. “It’s statements and actions and votes that show a pattern of people being with Bush.”

Basically, everyone in the article who says this strategy will not work is a Republican. Hmm, I wonder why that might be…

Personally, I think this is exactly what the Democrats should be doing. It is not a reach to tie Republican incumbents to Bush – they have enabled him for the past six years. They have looked the other way, and even actively covered for him, and that makes them accessories to his crimes.

Keep it up, Democrats. More and more voters are realizing that George W. Bush is driving this country over a cliff, but you need to remind them who gave him the keys. Tie the Dubyatross around all their necks.

I’m actually starting to feel a little bit optimistic now…

3 comments September 16th, 2006 at 11:11pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Bush,Democrats,Favorites,Media,Politics,Puns,Republicans,Wankers

A Thought Occurs

As much of a disaster as a Tony Snow presidency would be, I have to admit that I would be tickled to read about the “Snow White House” in the news every day.

2 comments September 12th, 2006 at 08:17pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Politics,Puns

Revenge Of The Zogbies

Okay, I know the Democratic establishment is never going to listen to little ol’ me, but maybe they’ll listen to John Zogby. He is a pollster, after all…

Let’s just look at the numbers from my most recent national poll (July 21). Overall, only 36% of likely voters told us that they agree that the war in Iraq has been “worth the loss of American lives”, while 57% disagree. But the partisan splits are more revealing: only 16% of the Democrats polled said the war has been worth while 82% disagree and only 26% of Independents agree the war has been worth it while 72% disagree. On the Republican side, 64% said the war has been worth it, while 23% disagree. The war has been the principal cause of the nation’s polarization in the past three years. The polling evidence shows the degree to which Iraq has become a Republican war. And these latest numbers are also noteworthy in that they show that about one in four Republicans have now pretty much given up on the war.

All of which is to suggest that Democratic candidates will now probably be emboldened to take a stronger stance against the war. If principle doesn’t win the day, at least the polling numbers are pretty clear what their base wants. Indeed, the polling numbers were pretty clear what Democrats and Independents wanted in 2004 – and the fact that they didn’t receive the opposition to the war they were looking for from their standard-bearers is the main reason that they lost both the Presidency and did not pick up seats in either house of Congress.

I think this actually extends to opposition in general (See: Alito, Roberts, Bankruptcy Bill). By not standing up to an unpopular president’s unpopular agenda, the Democrats are alienating the very people they are supposed to be appealing to. Despite what the media constantly tells us, Republicans are not the middle.

(hat tip to Christy at FDL)

2 comments August 7th, 2006 at 06:49pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Democrats,Favorites,Iraq,Politics,Polls,Puns,Wankers,War

Not-So-Liberal Media

I have been insisting for quite some time now that the so-called “liberal media” is nothing of the sort – the media’s corporate ownership has resulted in a consistently pro-Republican bias in both stories and narrative. Even worse, this bias has begun to spread into entertainment programming, such as Fox’s popular series “24″, which has legitimized both torture and the use of the word “nukular.” I just looked at this fall’s lineup of new shows, and the trend is clearly accelerating. See for yourself:

CBS:
Everybody Loves Lee Raymond
CSI: Taxachusetts
Survivor: DC,
hosted by Steve King
Big Brother

NBC:
Triumph Of The Will & Grace
The (Oval) Office
Shrubs
Fear Factor

ABC:
Extreme Makeover: Iraqi Hospital Edition
According To George
NSA’s Funniest Home Videos
Hope & Faith

Fox:
Family Values Guy
So You Think You Can Preznit
Malcolm In The Middle East
King Of The Hill

UPN/WB:
Afghanistan’s Next Top Model
Kill More Girls
Veronica Mars, Bitches!

3 comments July 29th, 2006 at 07:42pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Media,Politics,Puns,TV

Jason And TNR Go Nuts

June, 2006: Jason Zengerle of The New Republic writes an anti-blogger hit piece about Markos “Daily Kos” Moulitsas supposedly using the weight of his Vast Liberal Blogads Empire to pressure prominent liberal bloggers to ignore recent revelations about his business partner, Jerome Armstrong. One of his follow-up articles, for which he claims to have three sources, includes a completely fabricated e-mail from Steve Gilliard, in which he is chomping at the bit to start blogging about this “once we know the facts.” (Glenn Greenwald has the definitive rundown on this latter development and its significance)

May, 2006: Jason Leopold of Truthout.org trumpets the scoop of all scoops, that Karl Rove has been indicted in the Valerie Plame case and will resign as soon as the indictment is announced. Nothing happens. Nothing continues to happen, until Rove’s attorney finally announces that his client will not be indicted. Leopold and Truthout steadfastly refuse to burn his sources, if indeed there are any.

May, 2003: Jayson Blair is forced to resign from the New York Times for serial fraud and plagiarism.

Obviously, the lesson to be learned here is: Do not hire reporters named Jason, or any variation thereof (probably best not to even hire anyone named Jasmine, just to be on the safe side).

The NYT at least deserves credit for actually getting rid of not only their dodgy reporter, but the editor-in-chief who enabled him. So far, Zengerle and Leopold’s editors have backed them to the hilt. Hooray for loyalty! And truthiness!

2 comments June 24th, 2006 at 12:49pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Politics,Puns,Wankers

But Does He Have A Fortress Of Bollitude?

I guess it was only a matter of time…

IS the next big thing in superheroes a masked man who leaps from skyscraper to skyscraper, saves the world and suddenly breaks into song? Audiences will find out on June 23, when “Krrish” – a film that showcases Bollywood’s first fully realized Superman-style hero – reaches screens.

(snip)

“Krrish” is the story of… Krishna, born with the superpowers the alien bestowed upon his father, and then some…. Krishna is superintelligent and has a handy sixth sense. He has great physical strength and is able to leap, like Spider-Man but sans web, among the trees.

After his parents are killed, Krishna is raised in an isolated village by his grandmother. But the pastoral idyll is disrupted when an alluring television reporter arrives in the village to learn hang gliding. He rescues her after an accident, and romance blooms. Krishna eventually follows her to Singapore, where he recognizes his special powers and also encounters the archvillain, a psychotic inventor who murdered his parents and is now plotting to create a machine that can see the future. Krishna becomes Krrish, a sleek, leather-jacket-clad flying machine, and, naturally, saves the world.

(snip)

["Krrish"'s $10 million budget] is considered huge in Bollywood, but is small by Hollywood standards. The Warner Brothers movie “Superman Returns,” which is set to be released a week after “Krrish” (in India, too), cost more than $200 million.

Still, many in Bollywood are convinced that “Krrish” will corner the Indian market. The director Shekhar Kapur, who is currently creating a series of comic books drawn from Asian mythology, said in an e-mail interview that Indian viewers would see the film because “Krrish can dance and sing, and Spider-Man cannot, but mostly because Krrish is more rooted in our culture.”

(snip)

But does Krrish really sing? Hrithik Roshan dodged the question when asked, and said only, “Well, Krishna sings.”

This is actually pretty cool, and I’ll be rooting for “Krrish” to do well, although I tend to have trouble relating to Bollywood films (cultural differences, presumably).

And for the record, I really don’t think a singing Spider-Man would be a big draw for me, although I would kinda like to see a singing Batman. Or, more accurately, I would like to see the expression on the shadowy and mysterious Codename V’s face upon learning of the existence of Bat-Tastic! The Musical. If I were filthy rich and more than borderline insane, I would make it happen exclusively for that reason.

UPDATE: I already have a title for the Bat-Tastic! sequel: Riddler On The Roof.

5 comments June 12th, 2006 at 12:27pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Movies,Puns,Weirdness

Double-Take Quote Of The Week

From an NY Daily News article about whether or not the Knicks are going to fire head coach Larry Brown:

“Larry’s fine,” said Doug Moe….

The article did not say whether the $40 million left on his contract means Brown has the owner by the short-n-curlies, nor did it refer to Isaiah Thomas as the owner’s stooge (or vice versa)…

1 comment June 7th, 2006 at 11:52am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Puns,Quotes,Sports

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