Posts filed under 'Sports'

Monday Media Blogging

Football trick throws by a really demonstrative guy:

Also, pandas kinda suck at defense.

December 17th, 2012 at 11:27am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Monday Media Blogging,Sports

Darrelle Revis Has Decided To Make Jets Fans Hate Him

I wonder if he’s really saying “I want more money” – ‘cuz it kinda sounds like maybe he’s saying “I don’t want to play in New York.”

April 23rd, 2012 at 09:52pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports,Wankers

My New Favorite Sport

At last, a sport tailored to my level of athletic ability!

(Comic by Married To The Sea)

2 comments September 3rd, 2011 at 02:12pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Comics,Sports

Wanker Of The Day

Shorter Bud Selig: MLB’s record on minority hiring is so awesome that there’s no reason for us to boycott Arizona.

Um… what?

Also, I assume he’s including minority ballplayers in his hiring percentages…

1 comment May 13th, 2010 at 08:02pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Racism,Sports,Wankers

Insufficiently Gay

Okay, granted I’m not an expert on the subject, but I would think that if there’s a possibility that your sexual orientation can get you beaten to death, then you should be allowed to identify yourself as gay if you want to.

It is perhaps not a necessary condition, but it should at least be a sufficient one.

April 23rd, 2010 at 11:31am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports,Teh Gay,Wankers

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Olympic Edition Pt. II

I know, my previous Olympics post was a bit of a downer.  But this uplifting story will be sure to raise your spirits again:

The Winter Olympics are in full swing and America is transfixed.  Even sports once considered obscure are enjoying a surge in notoriety as Americans kick off the winter blues by cheering on the teams.  In fact one sport is so obscure and absurd that it has become the next big thing.

Curling has become the new fad with hipsters all over the country.  Entire blocks in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, were closed down this week for tournaments.  The sport was a natural fit for the hippest of the hip.  Curling has up to this point been so maligned and unpopular that it was a perfect choice to be co-opted and played ironically by the trust fund generation.  Also it is highly similar to the summer game Bocce, already popular among hipsters because it is usually only played by old European men.  Also the game is not physically demanding and can be played in skinny jeans or American Apparel leggings and and won’t damage vintage t-shirts.

Among hipsters the sport has its own subset of rules.  Many of these rules exist to make the game more ironically lame, thereby more appealing to the hipster demographic.  The game is often played on iced over streets in neighborhoods they are gentrifying.  Actual irons or similar items acquired from a local thrift store are thrown towards a desired goal.  Two teammates with brooms or whisks sweep away detritus or previous residents to clear a path.  A target is placed some ways away, but not too far that they’d have to actually try, usually an LP of an indie band or some kind of vegan fair-trade baked good.  Whoever gets their item closest wins the target.  Or the winning team is treated to brunch; the official meal of the hipster class.

“Man, you just don’t understand” said Kyle Roberts, a self proclaimed web designer/graphic illustrator/part time photographer/writer who has mostly been “finding himself” in the six years since college and a typical Williamsburg resident.  “It’s not that we’re doing it to make it cool.  It’s not cool.  That’s the point.  That’s why its fun, is it’s so lame and we’re recognizing that.  We’re not just slaves to irony, but… yeah whatever.”  When asked how he would feel if the game caught on and became popular he said “MAN!  See if people hear about it and it becomes cool then that’s just lame and we’d all stop doing it.”

Mathematicians at MIT are working on a formula to plot out the “so lame it’s cool” phenomena.  Unfortunately few mathematicians are actually cool enough to “get it.”  Lab tests are being done that include putting skinny jeans on monkeys.

Further proof that the spirit of Sport is truly universal.

February 24th, 2010 at 09:12pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Olympic Edition Pt. I

Weekly World News uncovers a Scandal!  Apparently gamma radiation is the new HGH:

[Apolo] Ohno and [Bode] Miller have won a total of 27 medals in various Olympic events.  This is a record number of medals for one country in the Winter Olympics.  Miller took home the gold in men’s Super Combined, one downhill plus one slalom.  Then he went on to take bronze in the men’s Mega Combined, which is one downhill plus two slaloms… and a blindfolded ski jump.  He took home another gold in the men’s Ultra Combined, which is two downhills, three slaloms, four vodka shooters, and a fistfight with a bear.  He beat out the highly favored Russian team in this event.  Apollo Ohno has won 18 medals in various speed skating trials.  At the 500 meters Ohno had enough time to do a victory lap, then make a cappucino and present it to the silver medalist as he crossed the finish line.  Miller and Ohno are highly favored in the upcoming mens Competitive Snowman.  All medals won will be melted down and used to fund future Olympic teams.

These exceptional accomplishments are now marred by scandal.  Miller and Ohno are believed to have been using performance enhancing gamma radiation.  Rumors are circulating that the two have mutated their way to Olympic glory.  Last week during a standard training the two became angered at coaches, turned green and threw their bowflexes into a nearby lake.  The US Olympic team officially denies all claims that any of their athletes have been intentionally mutated.  “That’s Malarky!” says head coach Paul Swizzel.  “Pure horse-puckey every bit of it!  Why my boys are just as clean and healthy as the driven snow!  No crazy performance enhancing chemicals or radiation here I tell ya!”

Scientists, however, tend to disagree.  Dr. Salomon Vasloo of the Vancouver Science Institute confirms “What we are seeing here is beyond human capacity.  These are not men, they are more like the heroes of legend.  Prime physical specimens capable of feats beyond those of mortal man.  Only science could imbue such gifts, such that the gods of old either can’t or won’t.  Praise be to Science!  Amen.”

I don’t know what’s more disappointing – that they cheated, or that I missed the Ultra Combined final.

2 comments February 24th, 2010 at 07:52pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports,Weekly World News

Which Would You Rather Have?

We can haz healthcare!

A medal lasts four years, but universal healthcare is forever.

February 24th, 2010 at 11:17am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Healthcare,Sports

Phrases I Never Thought That I Would Utter, Part 802

Man, it’s a good day in the NFL for guys named Pierre.

January 24th, 2010 at 08:17pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports


Yankees!!!  Whoooooooo!!!!!

That is all.

2 comments November 4th, 2009 at 11:51pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports

Does This Conservatism Make My Ass Look Racist?

I think it’s hilarious that Rush and his conservative fan club are claiming that A) He’s being politically persecuted because of his politics (despite the fact that the NFL is a largely Republican organization), and B) That conservatives are unfairly stereotyped as racist, sexist, homophobic bigots.

But the reality here is very simple: The NFL did not reject Rush Limbaugh because he’s a conservative, they rejected him because he is a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot who has repeatedly made disparaging racist comments about black NFL players.  Who happen to be roughly two-thirds of all NFL players.

In other words, Rush, it’s not your conservatism that makes your ass look racist, it’s your racist ass that makes your ass look racist.

October 15th, 2009 at 07:39pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Racism,Republicans,Sports,Wankers

Olympic Prediction

The 2016 Olympics will have The Most Awesome Opening Ceremony Ever.

And probably the first ever to be available only on Pay-Per-View.

October 2nd, 2009 at 07:53pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Sports

Monday Media Blogging – Football Edition

Woohoo!  Football season is finally here!  So I give you one of my all-time favorite NFL plays that probably no one else but me remembers:


And just because, here are the three greatest football commercials of all time:

Would you like that?  Would you like to ride with Batman?

Great googly moogly.


September 7th, 2009 at 08:21pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Monday Media Blogging,Sports

I Love New York


Okay, I know this is totally frivolous and silly, but it’s the kind of thing that makes me smile.

The Mets, as any baseball fan knows, are in the middle of a nightmare season of injuries and ineptitude.  They managed to tread water for a little while, but the free fall has begun, and they’re just painful to watch.  They hadn’t hit a home run in eight games, but today Brian Schneider and Fernando Tatis went back to back.

Apparently the home run apple in centerfield needs 45 seconds to “recharge”, so it didn’t go up after the Tatis home run.  First the fans booed the apple’s no-show, then started chanting, “Apple, apple.”  The apple finally went up at the end of the inning, and the fans gave it a standing ovation.

The team sucks, but the fans rule.

1 comment July 12th, 2009 at 04:01pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Sports

Great Moments In Trivia

Today the New York Mets became the first team in baseball history to put three Fernandos on the field at the same time (1B Tatis, LF Martinez, P Nieve).  Truly, this is a proud moment for Fernandos everywhere.

Side question: What is the major record for the most players on the field with the same name?  Has a team ever fielded, say, five Johns at a time, or five Joses?

June 13th, 2009 at 07:26pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports,Weirdness

Greatest Name In College Sports History?

Holy crap.

I am reliably informed that his full name is actually Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims Jr.


March 10th, 2009 at 10:30pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Sports,Weirdness

Role Model Fail

Oh, Darryl, Darryl, Darryl…

Darryl Strawberry used drugs that don’t enhance performance during his playing days. He also would have taken steroids had they been circulating in clubhouses during the 1980s, the former Mets great said Tuesday.

“Hell, yeah, I would have used them. Are you kidding me?” Strawberry said as he kicked off a week as a guest instructor at Mets camp, during a defense of Alex Rodriguez. “You know what, it’s just the point of being in sports. In our nature we’re competitive creatures. We have a tremendous drive and high tolerance and all of these things in us.

“I’m not saying that was the right thing to do,” Strawberry continued, referring to A-Rod’s steroid use. “But if somebody asked me if I would have faced it, what would I have done if that was going on in the era of the ’80s, it definitely probably would have been in my system, too. I probably would have been a part of it, too. And I wouldn’t have denied it, because you guys know I don’t deny anything.”

What a waste of talent Straw was.  He and Doc Gooden could have maybe been two of the all-time greats, and they both pissed it all away.  On the other hand, I suppose it’s nice to know that he underachieved without any artificial aids…

March 4th, 2009 at 06:57am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports

Product Plug Of The Day

From J&R’s product page for Excalibur Electronic NF07-08 NFL Vibrating Football Tabletop Game:

The most realistic graphics on a vibrating football game

You know, I don’t think that sounds nearly as impressive as they think it does.

I’m also trying to figure out what they mean by “Multi-function Quarterback” – I hope they just mean that he can run and pass…

February 7th, 2009 at 06:00pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Quotes,Sports,Weirdness

Happy Superbowl Day!

Hamster Chip

I have decided that I will commemorate the Superbowl by eating nothing but chips and dip all day.  I have three varieties of chips and three varieties of primary dip, as well as three varieties of backup dip should I run out of primary dip, or if any primary dip should fail unexpectedly. (I have configured my primary dip in a RAID 5 array to minimize the impact of a hardware failure, but one can never be too careful.)

I considered following the lead of the Italian horror movie Absurd, which indicates that Americans celebrate “The Big Game” by dressing in their best formal dinner wear, milling around eating spaghetti standing up, and saying things like, “Darling!  Our team just scored a point!” – but it just seemed like too much work.

As for the game itself, I have a mild preference for the Cardinals, mainly because they’re the underdogs and they need it more.  But also because it’s really hard for a transplant like me to get excited by the home team, which makes the celebrations and triumphalist chest-thumping kind of irritating.  It’s only cute when your team does it, ya know?  The Giants really need to find a replacement for Plax, and to teach Eli how to throw in the damn wind.

February 1st, 2009 at 10:32am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports

Sentences I Wish I’d Never Read

From Bill Madden’s NY Daily News column on Joe Torre’s tell-all book about the Yankees:

Up front, I must say it’s a compelling read, even if Yankee trainer Steve Donohue rubbing Roger Clemens’ testicles with extra hot liniment before every start was probably more information than I needed to know.


Jebus, Roger can’t even rub his own testicles with extra hot liniment, he has to have “people” to do that for him?  Ah, the life of a pampered super-rich batshit insane pro athlete.

3 comments January 31st, 2009 at 06:07pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Books,Media,Quotes,Sports,Weirdness

Pre-Superbowl Vignette Of The Day

Gotta love the reporters and media organizations who don’t take the Superbowl too seriously…

[F]or entertainment, there was an ample male reporter (from Telemundo) wearing a red dress and a feather boa while interviewing the players. There was also one athlete who spent an uncomfortably long time checking him out before saying, “Oh no, is that a guy?” The guy, by the way, was telling players he was the “fairy godmother” and that they needed him to win Sunday’s game.

I generally don’t have much interest in watching the Superbowl in person, but I’m starting to wonder if I can buy a ticket to Media Day…

January 27th, 2009 at 11:00pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Sports,Weirdness

…The Bad News Is, They Can Pretty Much Forget About Manny.

Well, this was unexpected:

The New York Yankees swooped in Tuesday and hooked prized free agent Mark Teixeira, reaching agreement with the first baseman on an eight-year contract worth $180 million, three sources involved in the negotiations said.

The agreement, which is subject to a physical, includes a signing bonus of about $5 million paid out over the first three years of the contract, no opt-out clause and a complete no-trade provision, the sources said.

With the Red Sox, Angels, Nationals and Orioles making well-documented runs at signing Teixeira, the Yankees made an offer weeks ago, but then withdrew it; their intention all along was to make an offer, which they did formally on Tuesday, if it fell within parameters acceptable to the organization.

I really did not see this coming at all.  The Yankees did an excellent job of pretending to be only slightly interested, and everyone (myself included) thought they were going to go after Manny, who is a better hitter… for the next year or two.  Assuming he’s not Yet Another Guy Who Can’t Play In New York, Teixeira is a much better long-term signing: He’s young, he’s a switch-hitter, and he plays good defense at a position the Yankees have struggled to field ever since Tino Martinez left.

The offensive upgrade, along with the pitching upgrade of Sabathia and Burnett, means that the Yankees can afford to trade offense for defense in centerfield and play either Melky Cabrera or Brett Gardner there until Austin Jackson is ready.  They probably won’t, but they can.

Another plus about choosing Teixieira instead of Manny: If the Yankees had signed Manny, the Red Sox could still sign Teixiera.  But now that the Yanks have signed Teixeira, there’s no way the Red Sox will take Manny back.  They’ll just have to learn to love Jason Bay… or bring up yet another kid who turns out to be an MVP or Rookie Of The Year candidate.

The one thing that worries me is when I think back to about five years ago, when the Yankees were looking at trading for either Javier Vazquez or Curt Schilling.  I was so relieved when they picked Vazquez, the young, strong guy (same age as Teixeira is now, I believe) – sure, Schilling was a better pitcher, but he was getting up there and probably didn’t have that many good years left.  Yeah, that worked out well.

On the other hand, I was right about Vlad Guerrero vs. Gary Sheffield – they made the wrong call on that one, too.

December 23rd, 2008 at 09:50pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports

Best. Baseball Card. Ever.

Glenn Hubbard’s 1984 Fleer card:

Hubbard Snake
That is just all kinds of awesome.

Mickey Hatcher’s 1986 Fleer probably deserves at least an honorable mention:

Hatcher Glove
That’s a mighty big glove right there.

(h/t Jesse Spector and Oldy Foldy)

2 comments December 19th, 2008 at 06:22pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Sports,Weirdness


Cool! Although I’d be happier if she were inspired by Phil Niekro…

The knuckleball – the fluttering, hard-to-hit pitch that’s rare in the major leagues – is propelling a 16-year-old girl to the pros in Japan.

Eri Yoshida was inspired to learn how to throw the knuckler after seeing a video of Boston Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield. On Monday, she broke the gender barrier by being drafted for an independent league team as Japan’s first female professional baseball player.

The high schooler was chosen by the Kobe 9 Cruise in the Japanese League, which starts its inaugural season in April.

The Cruise are a far cry from the Tokyo Yomiuri Giants. Making the squad is more like earning a tentative slot on a farm team than warming up in the bullpen for the Red Sox.

Even so, the 5-foot, 114-pound Yoshida has smashed the glass ceiling with her unorthodox, sidearm pitch in baseball-crazy Japan, where women normally are relegated to amateur, company-sponsored teams or to the sport of softball.

“I’m really happy I stuck with baseball,” Yoshida said in a news conference after she was chosen with 32 other players in the new league’s draft. “I want to pitch against men.”


Yoshida started playing baseball when she was in the second grade, tagging along with her elder brother, now 19, and played first base on a boy’s team in junior high school. She also joined her high school baseball club, but quit because the training was too tough. Then she joined a private club.

According to media reports, Yoshida was inspired to throw knuckleballs when her father, Isamu, showed her a video of Wakefield pitching. She thought that she could do it, too.

“She must be doing something right,” said Dave DeFrietas, a scout in Japan for the Cleveland Indians. “She got signed. I hope it’s because of the way she plays, and I wish her success.”

Her manager agrees. “Her sidearm knuckleballs dip and sway, and could be an effective weapon for us,” said Yoshihiro Nakata.


Baseball history in the United States has occasional examples of women taking the field with men. While pitching for the Class AA Chattanooga Lookouts in an exhibition game against the New York Yankees, Virne Beatrice “Jackie” Mitchell Gilbert struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig in succession. In the last couple of decades, at least three women have pitched in independent minor leagues.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a sidearm knuckleballer.  Since the knuckleball hardly spins at all, I suppose it shouldn’t make much difference.

November 18th, 2008 at 05:13pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Sports

PAlin Sports Geography Fail


According to a source in the audience Sarah Palin got a big arousing boo when she took the [stage] in Erie just minutes ago. Palin was not properly prepared and congratulated the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. Any local could have told her that wasn’t the local team of choice.

Yeah, PA may not be as big as Alaska, but it’s a big enough state to have baseball teams on either side of it, and Erie is firmly on the Pittsburgh Pirates side of the state, and could care less about the Phillies.  Way to rub it into the fans whose team hasn’t had a winning season in 16 years.

(h/t emptywheel)

October 30th, 2008 at 08:48pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Elections,Palin,Pittsburgh/PA,Politics,Republicans,Sports

Sports Quote Of The Day

From the CBS-NY broadcast of Brett Favre’s preseason Jets debut:

Nugent has streaks where he’s really consistent.

I do not think that word means what you think it means…

1 comment August 16th, 2008 at 10:01pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Quotes,Sports

Wankers Of The Day

Seur and Spain’s Olympic hoopsters:

A picture in a newspaper advertisement that a spokeswoman for the I.O.C. called “clearly inappropriate” has left the Spanish basketball team apologizing for its contents.

The Spanish men’s and women’s basketball team posed for the picture pulling on the skin behind their eyes to make it look as if they are Asian. The pictures have run in an advertisement for the Spanish courier company, Seur, in the Spanish sports daily, Marca, for the last month.

The Spanish coach and multiple team members, many of whom play in the N.B.A., said that the picture was taken out of context and they did so only after being implored to by Seur’s representatives.

“If anyone feels offended by it, we totally apologize for it,” the Spanish star Pau Gasol said. “We never meant anything offensive by it.”

Emmanuelle Moreau, a spokeswoman for the International Olympic Committee, said in an e-mail message: “We understand that the Spanish team intended no offense and has apologized. The matter rests there as far as the I.O.C. is concerned.”

Not everyone was as overtly apologetic as Gasol, who spoke Wednesday afternoon after practice at Beijing University of Language and Culture….

The Spanish Coach, Aito García Reneses, declined to apologize for the picture, which he said he had not seen. He did not appear in the picture. He said the intention was a joke….


Reneses compared the intent of the picture to the Spanish team going to play a taller team and taking a picture on their tip toes. He said the intent was not offensive.

Sure, or if they were playing an African team, they could all pose in blackface.  I’m sure that wouldn’t be offensive either.

August 13th, 2008 at 11:40am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Racism,Sports,Wankers

Merry Olympicsmas!

In honor of the Olympics, I give you one of my all-time favorite MadTV sketches:

A video used to be embedded here but the service that it was hosted on has shut down.

Look at that plucky Barukian team go!

August 8th, 2008 at 10:19pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Monday Media Blogging,Sports

Quote Of The Day

100 hairs make a man.

From an story on Yankee first baseman/DH Jason Giambi’s newly-shaven mustache:

The American Mustache Institute, a St. Louis, Mo.-based organization, even pledged its support for Giambi, urging fans to place their [All-Star] votes based upon his “powerful lip fur.”

American Mustache Institute, I salute you.

3 comments August 4th, 2008 at 06:59pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Monday Media Blogging,Quotes,Sports

How Tennis Works

When they say that becoming a great tennis player requires a lot of sacrifice, they actually mean it literally.

(from Married To The Sea)

July 25th, 2008 at 11:25am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Comics,Sports

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