Experimental surgery on a fire-breathing dragon was a roaring success – doctors successfully made it so the beast misted cool water instead of blowing burning fire.
Demand for the dragon went through the roof for wedding receptions, large parties and outdoor events.
Experts carried out the project during the Qin Dynasty in China in an attempt to propel them to higher power and more prominence.
Shi Ro Chen, the operating surgeon, was given full credit for the amazing reversal.
“We have taken a terrible, terrible beast and turned him into a kind creature who breathes nothing but goodness,” he said. “He will always be remembered, and with such, so will we.”
Yet another example of just how technologically advanced China was compared to the rest of the world.
Add commentSeptember 1st, 2010 at 08:28pmPosted by Eli
“I was inspecting the derricks when two of my riggers, Cass and Hob, came ripping over the dunes in a jeep with a crazed look in their eyes,” veteran wildcatter Wiley Gordon told Weekly World News. “They breathlessly gasped that some ‘thing’ was after them and that I should hop in. The only thing I could see was a dust devil whirling haphazardly in the dry Arizona desert.
“‘That ain’t no devil,’ Cass howled, straining to be heard over the wind. ‘That’s some kind of giant monster!’
“I grabbed my binoculars but didn’t see a thing,” Gordon said. “Suddenly, a terrible roar bellowed from within the earth! The white sands erupted high into the clear sky as a vast tentacle launched itself upward followed by another and then another! Slowly, the rest of the creature emerged, a hideous abomination more than one hundred feet tall with eight spindly limbs attached to the head and the torso of a snarling prairie dog.”
It was the part cephalopod, part gopher that the world would fear as Octopheron!
“The thing started yanking on oil derricks with its tentacles, snapping the structures like they were made of ice cream sticks,” Hob added.
“Octopheron was a bit slow moving in the hot sun, but he sure was determined to cause trouble,” Gordon said. “He kept slithering and yanking down derricks as pools of oil spilled onto the desert floor.
“I told the boys to drive on, that I would find a way to deal with this menace,” Gordon said. “Evading those deadly tentacles was tough because they were so darn big! But I knew we were gonna go bust – and possibly be killed to boot – if I didn’t stop the thing. That was when I remembered the oxyacetylene torch in my tent. If I could ignite those oil slicks, we’d stop the threat and be eating fried calamari in no time.”
Gordon plodded through the sands as the lumbering behemoth closed in. The wildcatter ducked into his tent and grabbed the torch.
(…)
“I emerged in the dust storm kicked up by the colossus and charged,” Gordon said. “I lit the torch when I was near enough to hit it with the flame, but the land-going sea-thing had a surprise for me: a thick spray of black ink came shooting from somewhere deep in its belly. I couldn’t be sure if it was ink or oil, and it didn’t much matter. Once it hit, I couldn’t see anything but black.
“I dropped to the sand, scooping it against my face to try and absorb the gunk,” he went on. “When I could finally blink my eyes open, much to my amazement, Octopheron was nowhere to be seen! He hadn’t slithered off nor had he burrowed some place else. He had simply disappeared – as if he had never existed, except for all this mess he’d made.”
Technically speaking, calamari is squid, not octopus. Other than that, this story seems perfectly plausible.
1 commentAugust 25th, 2010 at 07:03pmPosted by Eli
Two nights ago, hundreds of cruise passengers were distracted from an evening of dancing and drinking when thirty-year-old financial advisor Dianne Rimsky started screaming and wildly pointing to the waters off the starboard side.
“The way that woman was carrying on, I thought she had spotted an iceberg,” said vacationer David Willis. “But when I looked where she was gesturing, I almost dropped my cocktail.”
Half a mile from the luxurious Marco Majestic, Rimsky had seen what turned out to be an ‘Unidentified Submerged Object.’
“It was large and gray,” said a still-shaken Rimsky, “and covered in multi-colored flashing lights. And it was moving very fast. I thought it was going to hit us – but then, suddenly, it turned and went in a different direction.”
Virtually everyone on the ship reported hearing a high-pitched burbling sound, like a porpoise on helium. The strange object was only visible for a few minutes, during which time everyone on the ship watched in fascination.
“We had a number of theories as to what it was,” said banker Jason Green. “Some thought it was a new type of submarine. Others imagined that it was an alien vessel of some kind. But based on careful study of some cellphone images I managed to grab, I believe it was simply a whale tangled in Christmas lights that had washed away in a hurricane the year before. That seemed the most logical explanation.”
There was more, but it was really all downhill from there…
Add commentAugust 18th, 2010 at 07:59amPosted by Eli
This is why I never pick up my phone unless it’s someone I know:
Flip Mallard thought he’d finally be free of annoying telemarketers.
“I got a new number and promptly registered with the National Do Not Call List so I could say goodbye to unsolicited sales pitches,” he told Weekly World News. “The only folks who would have my number would be friends and family.”
Silence was golden for a few weeks until Mallard started receiving phone calls in the middle of the night.
“It was way past two in the morning when the phone rang,” he said. “I scowled at the Caller ID, which read ‘Caller Unknown – Out of Area.’ Furious at being awakened, I picked up the phone, determined to give whoever it was a severe tongue-lashing.”
“At first there was silence, then a low pulsing hum as if I were being connected over vast distances,” he said. “Suddenly I heard what sounded like a cat caught in a blender. In the midst of all that shrieking, I could’ve sworn I heard my name. I figured it was my creepy coworker, Robert Bendis, trying to ‘punk’ me, so I screamed right back. He screamed. I screamed. We both screamed – for a full five minutes.
“I finally hung up,” he said. “But moments later, a bright beam of light shot from the night sky into my bedroom. A hologram of slithering, tentacled, vaguely humanoid creatures with multiple breasts danced by my bed. It was like an extraterrestrial version of Girls Gone Nova – and somehow I’d ordered it!
“That was when I realized I’d been alien telemarketed!”
In the weeks that followed, Mallard received more off-world sales calls.
“Evidently I was now fair game to every Tom, Dick and Q’uetztol out there,” he complained. “Since I had ‘bought’ once, my name and number had been made accessible to other ETelemarketers. Whenever the phone rang I was too scared to say anything, lest I accidentally order a molecular condensing weight loss program!”
The beleaguered – and tired – Mallard had no choice but to finally change his phone number again.
“Thankfully, the intergalactic calls stopped,” Mallard said. “I haven’t figured out how to cancel the holograms, though, so I guess I’ll have to change my debit card number as well.
“Fortunately, pennies go a long way on their world.”
Hmm, a vacation in outer space is even more attractive now that I know the exchange rate is so favorable. Also, I really, really love the word “ETelemarketers”.
Add commentAugust 11th, 2010 at 07:25pmPosted by Eli
The conclusion of The Bachelorette can only mean one thing – that it is time for the newest installment of The Bachelor. While Ali’s mission is over, ABC’s has started – again. This season did not produce the usual fan favorite to become the next Bachelor. With that in mind, ABC had to think outside the box to land their next stud.
Weekly World News has confirmed that ABC has selected none other than Bat Boy to become the next Bachelor. While one producer said that the answer was “obvious,” other insiders of the show said that the decision was a difficult one.
“We are swinging for the fences on this one,” said a producer, speaking anonymously. “Bat Boy is America’s favorite mutant, but what do we really know about him. He is someone of great intrigue and mystery, but there is no denying he has his faithful following.”
Opting to not select one of Ali’s heartbroken suitors, ABC decided to go in a new direction in hopes of breathing new life into the series.
“There is only so many times that we can select the same kind of guy to become ‘The Bachelor,’” said another producer. “We didn’t want to go with the usual rugged, all-american man or the wealthy man with a smile that’s fit for a movie. We wanted something unusual, something that would rock the boat.”
There is no doubt that ABC is swinging for the fences on this one. Bat Boy is certainly ecstatic on the decision and cannot wait to begin his quest for love.
“Bat Boy has always been an individual that has lived a life of mystery,” said Bat Boy’s rep. “What many people don’t know about him is that he has always wanted to find love, but has never been successful in that quest. He his hoping that this new venture will produce the woman of his dreams. We will have to work on his biting problem, however.”
I just hope the competition doesn’t get too ugly – what healthy, red-blooded American woman wouldn’t do anything to date Bat Boy?
2 commentsAugust 4th, 2010 at 11:31amPosted by Eli
Pitcher Pope Benedict XVI has signed with the Los Angeles Angels for the remainder of the 2010 Major League Baseball season.
The 83-year-old pitcher looked ecstatic after signing his one-year contract. The Angels have now loaded up their pitching rotation by adding the Holy Father, a highly praised righthander, to their staff.
The move isn’t the first time that the Vatican has broken with tradition, but Pope Benedict wants to reach out to Catholics in America and there’s no better way than pitching for his favorite team. The St. Louis Cardinals were disappointed, they thought their team was Pope Benedict’s favorite, but as the Pope said, “Angels are holier than Cardinals.”
Vatican sources were concerned that the Pope would not be able to wear his traditional gold cross while pitching, but Bud Selig, the Commissioner of MLB, said he will allow the Holy Father to keep it on. “Bless Bud,” said the Pope.
The Angels were going to acquire Dan Haren from the Arizona Diamondbacks in exchange for Joe Saunders, but at the last minute they decided instead to trade Joe Saunders to the Vatican for the Pope and two bishops to be named later.
The Angels will not only have one of the best starting rotation in the American League, but they will have God on their side. “We really feel good about adding the Pope to our starting rotation,” Angels manager Mike Scioscia said. “This is a huge opportunity for us to upgrade not only now, but for eternity. To have real Angels rooting for us… that’s worth gold. Hallelujah.”
Some baseball insiders are skeptical. “An 83-year-old on the mound, are you kidding me? He’s gonna have to rely on a screwball, a change-up and a lot of prayers,” a laughing Bob Geren, the Manager of the Oakland Athletics said. Angels pitching coach, Mike Butcher said in response, “Geren can laugh all he wants, but PB has some pitches no major league player has ever seen. He’s got a lot of movement on the ball. We call one of his pitches “The Pope Popper.” It just pops into the catcher’s mitt without PB ever moving a muscle. Hallelujah.”
Non-Catholics, atheists and sinners in MLB are concerned that the Pope may favor Catholic batters, especially those named Jesus. However, Scioscia said the Pope will be “charitable” to all.
Washington, D.C. The White House announced this morning that they will be putting Bat Boy in charge of the newly created “Perfect Citizen” cyber program.
The program was created to detect cyber assaults on private companies and government agencies running such critical infrastructure as the electricity grid and nuclear-power plants. The surveillance by the National Security Agency, the government’s chief eavesdropping agency, would rely on a set of sensors deployed in computer networks for critical infrastructure that would be triggered by unusual activity suggesting an impending cyber attack. “Who better deal with unusual activity than Bat Boy?” a White House spokesperson said.
Even though Rod Blagojevich was lobbying to get the job, in exchange for his “silence” on Valerie Jarrett (and everything else under the sun), a NSA spokesman said that Bat Boy was the only one seriously considered for the job. “Bat Boy has a long history of protecting America. Just eight years ago, he defused a terrorist bomb on a United Airlines flight from Amsterdam by urinating on it.” The government feels that a half-bat, half-human being has an advantage in protecting Americans from cyber assaults. Bat Boy’s enlarged ears are good sound gathering devices, much like a satellite dishes. Bat Boy also has the ability to send out sounds, which will bounce against an object, then return to him for interpretation.
(…)
Defense contractor Raytheon Corp. won a classified contract for the initial phase of the surveillance effort valued at up to $100 million. A Raytheon spokesperson said Bat Boy is a perfect fit for the program because he “can stay up all night, and he likes to eat insects and bugs, which we have in abundance around here.”
(…)
Vice President Joe Biden stepped to the podium to discuss the program at this morning’s press briefing dressed as Batman’s sidekick Robin. Biden said, “I love Bat Boy and I love Batman. Bang! Pow! Kazam!” When Robert Gibbs informed the Vice President that he had the wrong Bat family, a saddened Biden remarked, “can I still wear my costume to meet the Prime Minister of Israel?” Gibbs responded tersely, “No, Joe. You can’t.”
Bat Boy is already working as the Perfect Citizen. He is monitoring your computer as you read this post. Please wave at your monitor.
This probably was the best possible choice.
*waves at monitor*
Add commentJuly 14th, 2010 at 08:20pmPosted by Eli
SYDNEY, Australia – The Light Speed Opera House has a revolutionary new show in previews – a real space opera!
“For years we’ve struggled to maintain our identity in the shadow of the much larger Sydney Opera House,” impresario Jonathan Drake told Weekly World News. “When I was approached by aliens from the Cygnus System to mount a production of their classic space opera, The Tentacle Groomer of Sigma-Seven, I leapt at the chance.”
The libretto details how Lar, the wealthy tentacle groomer, feigns poverty to find true love. Disguised as a neutron disposal chef aboard The Sigma-Seven star cruiser, he meets and woos a luckless thrall worm. Tragically, during a battle with space pirates, his beloved is killed. Luckily, thrall worms can regenerate – just in time for the finale.
“More important than the hoary plot are the transcendent music and and splendid voices of the Cygnian performers,” Drake enthused.
“The thrall worm is sung by Adra, an Omega-Soprano from Nebula M-78. She hits notes far beyond the range of human hearing. Her voice doesn’t just shatter glass but actually melts it within a ten-meter radius. We’ve had to replace our chandelier with one made of plastic.
“The pivotal role of the tentacle groomer is sung by Bar Parse-Five, a renowned Pulsar Tenor. His voice is beyond mellifluous. Parse-Five’s complex phrasing can actually cause earthquakes. During his solo, ‘Sepulchral Activity of a Multiple Heart,’ tremors were detected as far away as Perth.”
Since the opera is performed in its native Cygnian, crawling subtitles are available for those who wish to read them.
“They really do crawl,” added Drake. “They appear on the skin of lizard-like Cygnian Chameleonaries that creep back and forth on the top of the proscenium.”
The space opera is currently in previews and will premiere next month with a gala benefit for Cygnian Children of the Gravity Challenged.
Mmm… thrall worms…
Add commentJune 23rd, 2010 at 09:48pmPosted by Eli
It’s like the Exorcist version of “Man Bites Dog”…
When famed exorcist, Father Henry Flapps, received an urgent call to rescue the victim of demonic possession, he was completely unprepared for what happened.
“I arrived at the location at three a.m. and discovered that the request had come from a group of Satanists,” said Flapps. “They were gathered in a small, black barn that that had been transformed into a demonic church on the fringe of a dark woodland. Despite my reservations, I followed them into a hayloft that was decorated like a young girl’s bedroom. There, I witnessed the most astonishing sight I could have imagined: a horned demon, sitting on the floor, legs crossed, combing a doll’s hair.”
The embarrassed Satanists explained that earlier that evening the novice demon, Revadac, had attempted to possess a little girl who lived in town.
“We didn’t realize that Revedac was dyspossessive – the demon equivalent of dyslexic,” Satanic leader Derrick Nethers told the priest. “Because of this, he accidentally brought the girl’s spirit into his own body. To save the demon – and, uh, of course to help the girl – we didn’t know who else to turn to other than the church. Yours, I mean.”
(…)
“I knew that conventional exorcism rites wouldn’t work, so I had to improvise,” said Flapp. “I first told the girl, whose name was Ashly, that her mother and father wanted very badly to see her again.”
Unfortunately the Ashly-possessed demon was too preoccupied primping her doll to be moved by Flapps’ appeal to her sense of family.
“I realized I had to arouse her more fundamental desires,” said Flapp. “As much as it repelled me, I repeatedly made offers of vast amounts of ice cream and candy to coax her from the demon’s body. I reasoned that, after all, this is sort of what we do when it comes to talking up the afterlife.”
After three exhausting hours, Flapp managed to draw Ashly from Revedac and sent her back to her own body, which was still asleep.
“I was overjoyed to have saved Ashly’s soul,” said Flapps. “I also took some pride hearing that Revdac lost quite a few demon friends during an evening of hopscotch and tea parties.”
Tea parties will do that, all right…
Add commentJune 16th, 2010 at 10:18pmPosted by Eli
GROUPER, N.J. – “It’s despicable,” roared environmentalist and ichthyologist Robert Finn. “Besides showing utter contempt for marine life, it’s probably illegal.”
Finn, a fishery ecologist with the Jersey Asbury Water Society, was referring to the mob practice of dumping one’s enemies in the water.
“They call it ’sleeping with the fishes,’” snapped Dr. Finn. “That’s an insult to our scaled friends and it clutters up the seabed. Besides, it’s technically wrong as many species of fish don’t sleep at all. But I digress…
“We’d prefer they call the practice ‘resting with the gophers,’” he explained. “They should bury these guys in the dirt where they belong, and where the local fauna expects to find rotting carcasses.”
A threatened lawsuit against this so-called ‘Code of H2Omerta’ was met with sneers by a local mob attorney.
“I believe you will find that any potential dumping is environmentally sound,” said John Wiggy. “All refuse is encased in cement blocks that exceed EPA standards.”
The frustrated fish expert is also saddened that sharks are treated with disrespect.
“Yes, they’re predators, but they consume dead flesh as well as live,” he said. “It would be more accurate to call hucksters who lend money at exorbitant interest rates ‘loan lions.’”
I just wish, say, BP showed as much care and concern for the undersea environment and proper anti-contamination protocols as the mafia.
See a need and fill it – Weekly World News interviews Matthew Morris, head of ClownAir:
WWN: Your new airline, ClownAir, certainly has a lot of people talking!
MM: Well, the premise is based on my experience in the circus – and by that I don’t mean cramming as many people into a vehicle as possible! Rather, the big top is always filled with happy, relaxed people. Airplanes are generally packed with tense, uncomfortable people. The solution was obvious: to staff airplanes with circus clowns.
WWN: But not only in service positions?
MM: No, all of them. Ticketers, flight attendants and pilots.
WWN: Doesn’t that endanger the passengers? I mean, suppose the pilot’s nose falls off -
MM: That doesn’t happen. We’re professionals. All staff members are qualified airline personnel whom I have personally trained to be clowns. They’re quite competent at flying and maintaining an airplane and taking pratfalls as they serve you drinks.
WWN: So they don’t simply go about their duties in clown costumes?
MM: No, they do so much more. The trip starts with all of the clown attendants piling out of the lavatory. Since there are eight attendants squeezed in there, it always gets a laugh. They’ll often trip down the aisles, spill drinks on each other, and do the normal things that clowns do. These just happen to be thirty thousand feet in the air.
WWN: What about people who want to sleep, or just read without all the distractions?
MM: We have soundproof red wigs for passengers who want them, though we don’t have many of those. We advertise exactly what the experience will be. ClownAir caters to families – the ones with crying babies. Everyone knows it’s going to be a flying circus.
(…)
MM: In case of an emergency, seltzer bottles fall from above so the passengers can spray themselves and stay cool and alert. In addition, we keep custard pies handy to foil hijackers. And our horns are not just for entertainment. They’re used to alert the rest of the crew if there’s trouble.
WWN: Does it make passengers nervous to see pilots with white makeup, red noses, and oversized shoes?
MM: No, no. Just because they’re clowns, it doesn’t mean they fly by the seat of their pants. In fact, they often fly with their pants down.
One morning, thirty-three-year-old Dan Marshal awoke and immediately felt something clutching his shoulders.
“I thought I was having a heart attack or something,” said the young man. “I turned on the light and was surprised to see two little people clinging to my skin. If that wasn’t freaky enough, they were miniature versions of myself. One was angelic, the other devilish….”
(…)
Marshal’s new guests launched into a heated discussion regarding a moral dilemma he’d been wrestling with that week.
“They were both advising me on what to do about my boss, who I knew was embezzling from the company,” Marshal said. “My good conscience ordered me to turn him in, while my bad conscience instructed me to let him off the hook because he had given me my first break – though it also suggested that I extort a little blackmail money for my silence.”
Assuming that he was the only one who could see his warring selves, Marshal got the shock of his life when he arrived at the accounting firm.
“Everyone was looking at me like I had three heads,” said Marshal, “which, actually, I did. They could all see and hear my consciences.”
Marshal immediately visited his psychiatrist who, though astounded by the presence of these tiny advisors, had a theory about their existence.
“Intense emotional conflict excites the brain,” said Dr. Robert Stamford. “It causes energy levels to increase dramatically. Theoretically, if someone is experiencing enough distress, their mind can generate sufficient power to project their thoughts. In Marshal’s case, his moral dilemma was so overwhelming that he conjured up these corporeal beings to help solve his problem.”
To put an end to his stress, Marshal chose a third option that neither of his small advisors had offered.
“I talked to my boss in private and pleaded with him to stop taking money from the company,” said Marshal. “He respected my honesty and integrity and agreed to put an end to it. The moment I made the decision, my little buddies vanished.
“It’s a good thing, too,” Marshal added. “I was getting sick of hearing their non-stop bickering. My conscience was literally killing me!”
I just have two questions about this story:
1) Does anyone at Marshal’s accounting firm read the Weekly World News?
Since Bat Boy has a rather limited vocabulary – consisting primarily of “Scree! Scree!” – we have taken the liberty of interpreting his answers.
Dear Bat Boy:
We were learning about bats in class and my teacher said bats like to eat bugs. Is that true? If so, what bugs do you like to eat?
Renny Harker ,(age seven),
Piscataway, N.J.
Bat Boy prefers ‘human’ food, especially hot dogs with sauerkraut. He said he gets plenty of bug parts in every bite.
(…)
Dear Bat Boy:
How come you have such big ears? I thought bats used elocution [sic] to see in the dark?
Debbie Duell, (age eight),
Sharon, Conn.
Bat Boy uses his oversized ears to echolocate – which is a bat’s version of sonar. To actually see in the dark he uses a flashlight.
(…)
Dear Bat Boy:
You know what would be awesome? If you and Bigfoot became professional wrestlers. You could be a tag team. Bigfoot could pick you up and throw you at opponents! When you see Bigfoot ask him what he thinks.
Tony Rocca, (age twelve),
Metaire, La.
Bat Boy is scared of Bigfoot, so it is unlikely they would team up.
(…)
Dear Bat Boy:
What’s your favorite ball club?
Leon Snyder, (age seven),
Oahu, Hawaii
The Batavia Muckdogs in the minor league Penn Division.
Dear Bat Boy:
All bats got wings. How come you don’t got ‘em?
‘Bat, Bat’ Leroy Browne, (age six),
Sprang, Ga.
Some scientists believe that Bat Boy’s wings will sprout when he reaches adulthood.
Dear Bat Boy:
Do you have a sister? Is she a Girl-Bat, too? I hate my sister. She’s always taking my copy of Weekly World News and making paper dolls out of it. If I were a bat, I’d bite her!
Bobby Neville, (age nine),
Matheson, Nev.
Bat Boy doesn’t approve of violence. He suggests you buy two copies of Weekly World News – one for sis and one for yourself.
Brilliant business idea or just the latest church scandal/insurance scam?
The American Church of Spirituality has initiated a new and unprecedented practice, one which many Christians have been calling ‘morally questionable.’
“When a soul goes to Hell, it affects not only the damned, but his or her family as well,” said Founder and Pastor Paul Winston. “They suffer knowing their loved one is writhing in fiery agony. That’s why our new program, soul insurance, is so important.”
(…)
“It happens more often than people would think,” said Winston. “Even with our guidance, not everyone earns a place by Jesus’ side. The least we can do is offer a substantial cash settlement for the families of unredeemed sinners.”
Weekly World News spoke to a few members of the congregation to get their thoughts on this new program. Not everyone is happy with the policies they bought.
“My husband was a gambler, so we had a policy that cost us five thousand dollars a year,” said housewife Dolores Hayes. “When he was killed in a car accident – while cursing another driver – doctrine declared that he must go to Hell for perishing with an oath on his lips. That was six months ago and I still haven’t received any insurance money.”
Pastor Winston explained that Mr. Hayes’ death resulted in a probationary period in Hell, not a permanent sentence.
“Swearing is not an endless sentence to the pit,” he explained. “There is no payout until it can be demonstrated that the incarceration is permanent. In this case, according to church canon, the soul has a century to reform. While I understand that this doesn’t necessarily fit in with Mrs. Hayes’ financial planning, she should be relieved that her husband may not suffer eternal damnation – not obsess over the fact that she may not receive a hundred thousand dollars for a hundred years.”
This raises the point of how the church verifies that a soul is, in fact, damned. Pastor Winston explained.
“As you may imagine, there are many, many insurance agents in Hell,” he said. “With the help of a medium, we contact these agents and ask for weekly status reports on our clients.”
Despite the updates, a number of parishioners are still dissatisfied with their policies.
“I did some checking, said Dave Roberts, who is the beneficiary of a policy in the name of his father, Joe ‘Light Finger’ Roberts.
“Of the two thousand policies they’ve issued in the past six months, only two have been paid out,” Roberts said. “One was on a serial murderer, the other on Saddam Hussein.”
“That number proves how successful the church is at rehabilitating souls,” insisted Pastor Winston. “You would think these people would be relieved to know that their loved ones are either in Heaven or Heaven-bound, instead of worrying about monetary gain.”
“I’m thinking it’s a scam, and Pastor Winston ought to take out one of his own policies,” said Roberts. “The one that will protect him against the sins of greed and falsehood!”
Saddam Hussein was a member of the American Church of Spirituality???
The first rule of Woodland Fight Club is… do not talk about Woodland Fight Club.
While patrolling the western boundary of Yosemite National Park, ranger Jack Bailey heard animal screeches echoing throughout the densely packed fir trees.
“The only times I hear woodland creatures make those kinds of sounds is when they’re in jeopardy, pinned by a tree or wounded in a fall,” said Bailey. “I went to investigate, prepared for the worst.”
However, Bailey couldn’t have been more surprised by what he saw in the small clearing.
“Twenty or so animals had formed a circle about ten feet in diameter,” he explained. “The ring consisted of chipmunks, beavers, raccoons, groundhogs and even skunks. They were all facing the center of the circle, where two squirrels were beating the heck out of each other.
“Those rodents were out for blood.”
(…)
“It was like one of those Ultimate Fighting Championship matches, but with little brutes instead of big ones,” Bailey recalled. “Within minutes, one squirrel was pinned to the ground. He tapped his tail frantically on the hard sod, ending the bout. As the winner strode from the circle and the loser was pulled out by his two tiny legs, a pair of rabbits hopped into the ring and waited for the signal.
“….[T]he rabbits began thumping each other with their massive feet. It wasn’t long before their white fur was flecked with red from wounds inflicted by nails and teeth. The more badly injured of the two vomited and the smell of carrot filled the air. It was awful.”
Weekly World News asked zoologist Dr. Mark Path why these animals might have formed this fight club.
“I suspect they’re training themselves to fight more dangerous predators,” he said. Residential and commercial development has caused natural habitats to shrink. As a result, there’s been an increase in the number of coyotes and foxes entering the park. These little creatures may have finally gotten fed up being fed on.”
Believing that they posed no threat to humans, Bailey decided not to interfere with the miniature pit fighting.
“Although it’s uncharacteristic behavior, I have no right to interfere with the development of these animals,” Bailey said. “However, I am considering selling tickets. There’s a doe that just might be the next Ashley.”
Hopefully the next stage will be martial arts. Kung fu squirrels and ninja skunks would be pretty damned awesome.
Add commentApril 28th, 2010 at 08:46pmPosted by Eli
“Cows put up with a lot of discomfort to give us milk,” said fifty-year-old dairy farmer Bill Fuller. “The growth hormones, the uncomfortable living conditions, the constant tugging. I’ve never approved of that, which is why I developed a method of milking that not only eases the cows’ burden but yields a superior product.”
For the past two months, Fuller and his wife, Kelly, have been teaching their cows to meditate.
(…)
At five o’clock each morning, the Fullers go to their pasture and instruct their bovines on the intricacies of Hatha yoga.
“We teach them proper breathing, relaxed body positioning, and how to clear their minds,” said Fuller. “That last one is pretty easy since cows don’t have much to think about. We took them off hormones and allowed them to roam the ranch freely all day, rather than stay cooped up in a barn. After one month they were yielding twice as much milk and it was the creamiest I’d ever tasted.”
As the fame of Fuller’s farm grew, people from all over the state visited to watch the meditating cows.
“I explained that there’s not much to see,” said Fuller. “A meditating cow is hard to distinguish from a regular one. They all look pretty vacant, most of the time. It’s all in the breathing.”
Fuller has already started developing his own brand of dairy products to distinguish them from the rest.
“I don’t want our dairy to get lost in the mix,” said Fuller. “Our first product should be in grocery stores in the next month. I think people are going to be thrilled with the taste of our ‘yogart.’”
Next up: Pilatage Cheese.
Add commentApril 21st, 2010 at 08:28pmPosted by Eli
Earthquakes are apparently even more dangerous than we realized…
A relatively minor earthquake along the San Andreas fault opened a fissure deep within the center of the Earth. Within minutes, all Hell broke loose – literally – in the small town of Canon!
“I was walking my schnauzer when I saw someone who looked just like Saddam Hussein strolling toward me,” 65-year-old Sara Allgood recalled. “He stopped short in front of me, paused and then kicked my dog before darting furtively across the street. I immediately called the police but they didn’t believe me, reminding me that Saddam was dead.”
(…)
“There was a sudden clamor down the street,” stay-at-home dad Chuck Vargas revealed. “As I peered through the window, I saw a barbarian overturning trash cans one after the other! He finally selected a suitable lid for a shield before stalking off. That was when I noticed an inscription on his sword. I looked it up online; it said, ‘I am Attila, King of the Huns.’”
Tammy Lyn Smith, a high-school cheerleader, was practicing handstands in her backyard when she was approached by a man in a Victorian high hat and cloak, carrying a surgeon’s bag.
“He pulled a scalpel from the bag and told me his name was ‘Jack,’” she said. “From the look in his eyes, he seemed intent on doing me harm. A well-placed high kick to a chin followed by a pom-pom in the eyes sent him howling off down the driveway.”
(…)
Police finally realized that these sightings of history’s most notorious vermin were no hoax.
“Professor [Ophelia] Virgil contacted us after hearing of the attacks and and told us what she thought had happened,” Police Chief Nick Beale told Weekly World News. “We called police from every town in the country to help us search for the hellspawn. By the time where we got to the corner where Lucrezia Borgia was selling spiked lemonade, we knew we were up against something bigger than all of us. Bullets didn’t stop them and they just slipped through our handcuffs, laughing as they fled.”
(…)
Cops finally caught a break when Father Seamus Flynn made a citizens’ arrest, collaring Judas Iscariot. “He was throwing rocks at our ‘Jesus Saves’ sign when I tackled him,” Father Flynn told police.
“Judas acknowledged we were facing a Hell-break of massive proportions,” Father Flynn said. “I knew that a large-scale exorcism had to be performed immediately.”
Commandeering a mobile TV truck from the local cable station, Father Flynn broadcast the rites repeatedly as they rolled through the streets accompanied by a police escort. One by one, the refugees began to vanish. Fire crews pumped over a thousand gallons of holy water into the fissure to make sure they stayed ‘vanished.’”
“Hopefully, those ne’er-do-wells have learned their lesson,” Father Flynn said when it was all over. “I also hope Our Lord forces Satan to reimburse the town for all the damage and overtime.” He added with a smile, “It will give ‘hell to pay’ a whole new meaning!”
Sure, it’s all well and good to send kids to summer camp to lose weight, but does that really go far enough?
“We’re very proud of the campers who make it through the summer,” said Edith Nelson, director of Slow Burn Ranch. “It takes discipline and courage to get through a program whose purpose is to help young children get ‘ripped.’”
Nelson is referring to her two-year-old establishment where kids receive ‘buff love’ from the counselors.
(…)
All of the counselors at Slow Burn Ranch are expert body builders.
“We strive for the Grecian ideal,” said two-time Mr. Galaxia winner, Harold Roscoe. “It’s a mathematical standard based on the physiques of ancient Greek statues. I focus mostly on resistance weight training. It’s really adorable to watch these youngsters straining to heft five pound dumbbells over their heads.”
“We operate on a buddy system here,” said Olympic star Jezebel Tarte. “No one goes home until they can clean and jerk their buddy.”
(…)
“We serve a lot of salad, pasta and fish,” said Nelson. “They make faces at first and are all ‘Where’s the hot-dogs?’ and ‘Where’s the marshmallows?’ But since we remove the plates of those who complain, it’s not a mistake they repeat.”
Weekly World News asked a few of the campers how they found their time at Slow Burn Ranch. “It hurts at first,” said six-year-old Sal Jones. “Also, at second and third – they make us run bases with ankle weights. But when I got used to it, it didn’t make me cry. Too much.”
“It’s awesome,” said eight-year-old Steven Fisher. “Wait till the kids in school poke my gut and find out it’s a six-pack instead of flab. I’m like a superhero now – one of the cool ones, not a stretchy nerd or a fish man.”
“Most of the children have very positive experiences at Slow Burn Ranch,” Nelson said. “It’s not just about getting buff. Our campers all leave here with a wonderful set of muscle memories.”
I recommend making sure that your children are not able to beat you up.
Add commentMarch 31st, 2010 at 09:27pmPosted by Eli
The Winter Olympics are in full swing and America is transfixed. Even sports once considered obscure are enjoying a surge in notoriety as Americans kick off the winter blues by cheering on the teams. In fact one sport is so obscure and absurd that it has become the next big thing.
Curling has become the new fad with hipsters all over the country. Entire blocks in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, were closed down this week for tournaments. The sport was a natural fit for the hippest of the hip. Curling has up to this point been so maligned and unpopular that it was a perfect choice to be co-opted and played ironically by the trust fund generation. Also it is highly similar to the summer game Bocce, already popular among hipsters because it is usually only played by old European men. Also the game is not physically demanding and can be played in skinny jeans or American Apparel leggings and and won’t damage vintage t-shirts.
Among hipsters the sport has its own subset of rules. Many of these rules exist to make the game more ironically lame, thereby more appealing to the hipster demographic. The game is often played on iced over streets in neighborhoods they are gentrifying. Actual irons or similar items acquired from a local thrift store are thrown towards a desired goal. Two teammates with brooms or whisks sweep away detritus or previous residents to clear a path. A target is placed some ways away, but not too far that they’d have to actually try, usually an LP of an indie band or some kind of vegan fair-trade baked good. Whoever gets their item closest wins the target. Or the winning team is treated to brunch; the official meal of the hipster class.
“Man, you just don’t understand” said Kyle Roberts, a self proclaimed web designer/graphic illustrator/part time photographer/writer who has mostly been “finding himself” in the six years since college and a typical Williamsburg resident. “It’s not that we’re doing it to make it cool. It’s not cool. That’s the point. That’s why its fun, is it’s so lame and we’re recognizing that. We’re not just slaves to irony, but… yeah whatever.” When asked how he would feel if the game caught on and became popular he said “MAN! See if people hear about it and it becomes cool then that’s just lame and we’d all stop doing it.”
Mathematicians at MIT are working on a formula to plot out the “so lame it’s cool” phenomena. Unfortunately few mathematicians are actually cool enough to “get it.” Lab tests are being done that include putting skinny jeans on monkeys.
Further proof that the spirit of Sport is truly universal.
Add commentFebruary 24th, 2010 at 09:12pmPosted by Eli
[Apolo] Ohno and [Bode] Miller have won a total of 27 medals in various Olympic events. This is a record number of medals for one country in the Winter Olympics. Miller took home the gold in men’s Super Combined, one downhill plus one slalom. Then he went on to take bronze in the men’s Mega Combined, which is one downhill plus two slaloms… and a blindfolded ski jump. He took home another gold in the men’s Ultra Combined, which is two downhills, three slaloms, four vodka shooters, and a fistfight with a bear. He beat out the highly favored Russian team in this event. Apollo Ohno has won 18 medals in various speed skating trials. At the 500 meters Ohno had enough time to do a victory lap, then make a cappucino and present it to the silver medalist as he crossed the finish line. Miller and Ohno are highly favored in the upcoming mens Competitive Snowman. All medals won will be melted down and used to fund future Olympic teams.
These exceptional accomplishments are now marred by scandal. Miller and Ohno are believed to have been using performance enhancing gamma radiation. Rumors are circulating that the two have mutated their way to Olympic glory. Last week during a standard training the two became angered at coaches, turned green and threw their bowflexes into a nearby lake. The US Olympic team officially denies all claims that any of their athletes have been intentionally mutated. “That’s Malarky!” says head coach Paul Swizzel. “Pure horse-puckey every bit of it! Why my boys are just as clean and healthy as the driven snow! No crazy performance enhancing chemicals or radiation here I tell ya!”
Scientists, however, tend to disagree. Dr. Salomon Vasloo of the Vancouver Science Institute confirms “What we are seeing here is beyond human capacity. These are not men, they are more like the heroes of legend. Prime physical specimens capable of feats beyond those of mortal man. Only science could imbue such gifts, such that the gods of old either can’t or won’t. Praise be to Science! Amen.”
I don’t know what’s more disappointing – that they cheated, or that I missed the Ultra Combined final.
2 commentsFebruary 24th, 2010 at 07:52pmPosted by Eli
Over the weekend former Governor Sarah Palin delivered the keynote address to the first annual Tea Party convention in Tennessee. She spoke about several topics including how Democrat policies will turn the country into a socialist post apocalyptic wasteland, general conservative talking points, and who is allowed to use the word “Retard.” For ten minutes she made jokes about President Obama and his dependence on teleprompters. Photographic evidence has shown that she was also given notes during her speech, but wrote them on her hand. If this will affect her standing with the arch-conservative Tea Party remains to be seen, as they have yet to correctly use the term “Irony.”
Palin criticized Democratic policies for nearly an hour without ever being too specific. Most of her political critique consisted of “Democrats are like this…” then repeating quotes in a silly voice while crossing her eyes and flailing her arms. The crowd loved it. “I mean, Socialized Healthcare, Oh my god! Right?” She continued “And President Obama, what kind of butthead can be President for a year and get nothing done? I’m not going to reduce myself to name calling here, I’m just asking a question. His actions are leading this country straight into chaos and it will take serious measures to get us back on track!”
She mentioned that Rahm Emmanuel should be fired for referring to people as “Retards.” She also said that it’s okay when Rush Limbaugh calls his opponents “Retards.” “Because he’s Rush, ya know? When he says it, it’s, you know, whatever! You get it, right crowd?” The crowd cheered in support of her argument. After her speech she asked everyone to friend her on facebook and twitter.
Though Democrats are criticizing Palin for writing notes on her hand, and referring to them often when she was asked questions, it is unlikely she will face any repercussions within the Republican party. One insider states “she’s just way to popular to get in trouble.” Another anonymous source says, “Oh yeah, when you’re that popular and pretty, people let you get away with anything. Like last year she totally lost her son, then three months later found him in the back of a closet. Everybody just covered for her afterwords.”
Talk of succession was rampant, despite not being on the official agenda. Overall the week long event led to a stronger and more polarized Tea Party as a whole, unified by the poor decisions made after “discount moonshine happy hours” at local bars.
Come to think of it, this doesn’t really sound all that different from what we’ve already heard…
Add commentFebruary 10th, 2010 at 11:27amPosted by Eli
Frame by frame analysis of last night’s broadcast reveals subliminal messages in the State of the Union. During key points of the speech text would appear for only a fraction of a second. When the President would mention the need for jobs, subliminal messages read “TRUST ME” and “TOTALLY BUSH’S FAULT.”
Discussing failed attempts at health care reform messages read “MY BAD” and “SORRY, I TRIED.” Outlining his plans for the future the President was framed by phrases like “FOLLOW ME” and “EMBRACE MY DIVINE RULE.” While mentioning Republican opposition to legislation, messages read “DON’T BE A JERK” and “SERIOUSLY GUYS, GROW UP.”
Also interspersed were subliminal images intended to reinforce the President’s message. Single frames can be found in last night’s address of emotionally evocative images. When discussing the “historic call to action” the country is facing, images were seen of Americans on bread lines during the Great Depression, America’s celebration of Victory in Europe, and Rosie the Riveter. While outlining his future economic policies, motivational posters were seen, including the “Just Hang In There” cat.
Analysis shows that these techniques were also used by White House officials in the audio feed. Buried in white noise, just barely loud enough for the brain to register subconsciously, the President’s speech was underscored by the sound of kittens purring. If the President’s speech is played backwards is clearly plays Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds.”
Finally, Democrats are closing the subliminal messaging/mind control gap!
Add commentFebruary 3rd, 2010 at 11:23amPosted by Eli
Photos have been released now of a post operative Heidi Montag. On November 20, 2009, she went under at least 10 surgeries in one day to achieve physical perfection. Her hips thighs and neck were liposuctioned, botox injected, chin reduced, and breasts enlarged. But her quest for perfection didn’t stop there. The former The Hills star paid for doctors to implant robotic devices to give her bionic super powers.
Weekly World News has discovered that heiress and reality TV star Heidi Montag now has powers far beyond those of any mortal man. A team of 10 surgeons, 4 robotics specialists, and 3 auto mechanics spent 23 hours in surgery giving Montag her cosmetic updates and bionic implants.
Now the slight framed starlet is stronger than an Olylmpic weight lifter and can outrun a cheetah. Lab tests show her lifting 185 lbs with her kegels. Optical and auditory implants increase her vision and hearing ten-fold. She also has a USB port and wifi. With the enhancements complete, Heidi says, “Now I’m stronger, faster, fiercer!”
When asked what she will do with her newfound powers, Montag says she will “Be Fierce!” When asked exactly what that entails she said, “UGH! You just don’t understand!” After a mild hissy fit about how no one understands her, she continued, “I am going to so much fiercer now. Now I can spot haters or paparazzi from literally a mile away. And dress sales, forget about it. And I can hear what’s going on at the other end of the room, so I’ll always know who’s saying what and know all the gossip. How awesome is that?! And my new album is coming out soon! So the choreography for that is going to be amazing. It’s going to be better than Madonna, like the actual mother of Jesus, if she’d put on a concert. And I like don’t have to worry about getting exhausted from touring, just plug me into the wall, give me some frozen yogurt and I’m good.”
Reporters asked Montag if she would be using her super human abilities to help her fellow man. She replied, “Hey, I’m a role model! I lift people out of their boring dull lives by showing them how awesome life can be when you’re young, beautiful, rich, famous, and now super powered. That’s like a public service!”
You go, girl! Preferably someplace far, far away.
1 commentJanuary 20th, 2010 at 11:17amPosted by Eli
Yes, it’s time for some end/beginning-of-the-year housekeeping, courtesy of the Weekly World News.
First up, we close out the old year with everyone’s favorite space alien sophisticate Mygar’s 2009 In Review:
Celebrity Deaths.
This was not a safe year to be a person of notoriety. A seemingly endless series of persons left us, particularly the in fateful summer of 09. The most notable to leave us is, of course, Michael Jackson. As he only faked his own death, more on him shortly. The most profound death this year I found to be that of Patrick Swayze. His star shone too bright to last long. His depth as an actor, and endless dedication to the dance, has inspired and lifted us all from the quagmire drudgery of our common lives. May love lift you up where you belong Patrick, and the heavens part so you may dance your way into paradise.
Jon Gosselin.
How is your species supposed to evolve when people like this are allowed to reproduce? And no less than 8 times!? Blessings be to those poor children. Who is this overgrown man-child and why is he on television. In any of the better galaxies a wretched person like this would be euthanized for the sake of the gene pool. Even his own children have matured past him at this point. That he was ever given time in front of a camera should be a cultural warning sign. Thankfully Ed Hardy apparel makes him, and douches like him, visible from safe distances. His clothing is like an illuminated sign that reads “This person likely has Chlamydia.” Thank you Ed Hardy. And can someone please save those adorable 8 children from their wretched parents?
Jersey Shore.
Glaring weekly proof that evolution can work backwards. I watched it once and had to give my television a round of antibiotics after. Your entire species should be ashamed. When is turns out this was the glaringly obvious omen that your culture was about to collapse from its own decadence, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
(…)
Economic Collapse.
Given how much time I spend upon your planet this affected even my lifestyle. The fine wines ran dry and were replaced with instant cocoa. Imported cheeses went away and I was left with only individually wrapped American. I don’t eat American cheese. I will tear off and fry my own leg first. At least that’s imported! And cocoa isn’t so bad. It goes well with black and white movies on basic cable.
1. Don’t get arrested. Bat Boy has a long history with the law. In years past bat Boy has stolen a car, led authorities on a multi-state high speed chase, and prompted the dispatching of the National Guard. Usually he commits these felonies without meaning to. While currently he is only wanted in 4 states, those states are out of the way and easy to avoid.
2. Always say ‘Please’.
3. Stop breaking into the White House. Bat Boy has broken into the White House 7 times since the Obamas took office. Typically it is because he wants to play catch with the President, or see if Sasha and Malia can come out to play. One time it was to see Michelle Obama because he had a bad dream.
4. Don’t drive. Bat Boy is only a child, yet on several occasions he has been found behind the wheel of a car, usually to disastrous results. This year Bat Boy is making a pledge to not panic and think before he solves a situation by getting into whatever car is closest and driving away.
5. Watch his diet. Being a half bat mutant, Bat Boy only eats mosquitoes. Last month he gave himself a bad tummy ache from eating too many chocolate covered mosquitoes at once. In the coming year he hopes to remember that chocolate covered mosquitoes are just a sometimes food.
6. Clean out the cave more. No one is actually expecting the little mutant boy to live up to this one, but it’s worth a try.
7. Stop rereading the Twilight series. Bat Boy is a huge Twilight fan. He has read his personal copies of the books more than a dozen times. He recognizes he needs to stop doing that so much.
8. Don’t be scared of the Pope. For some reason one of the few things that frightens the mutant child is the Pope. For some reason the combination of old man, shiny costumes, and big hats scares Bat Boy to no end. In the coming year he hopes to remember that the Pope is just a nice old man, and not run screaming from pictures of him.
Happy New Year, everybody!
Add commentJanuary 6th, 2010 at 11:27amPosted by Eli
Weekly World News has the rundown on the new airline security rules, and they’re even worse than I expected:
New airline restrictions will soon be taking effect. Weekly World News has acquired a list of what to expect.
Airlines are still reeling from the narrowly avoided terrorist attack on Northwest flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit Christmas day. A Nigerian man attempted to ignite explosives he had sewn into his underpants while the plane was descending over Detroit. After careful consideration and emergency meetings of the Transportation Security Administration, here are some of the new rules that will soon go into effect.
- No Underpants. All passengers will be expected to prove they are not wearing underpants as the garment is too easy to hide explosives or drugs in.
- Mandatory Jumpsuits. Passengers will be expected to change into full body jumpsuits on their way through security. The jumpsuits will make it harder for anyone to smuggle explosives, incendiaries, or weapons in their clothing.
- Retinal Scans. Passengers will receive a mandatory retinal scan, a scan which cannot be faked, and the results will be cross referenced by computer with interpol records for known or suspected terrorists. Granted no such database exists yet, and it is entirely impractical for apprehending terrorists with no prior criminal history, but apparatus is large enough to give the impression that security teams mean business.
- Spetznatz Flight Attendants. The days of perky and attractive flight attendants are over as now their duties will be performed by former Russian Special Forces officers. Their presence is expected to be a deterrent to any potential terrorists and people who talk loudly on their phones.
- Mandatory hypnotherapy. All stations of in-flight music will be replaced by in-flight hypnotherapy. Being under a hypnotic trance makes it nearly impossible to stage any kind of attack, and all hypnotic messaging will be designed to minimize aggressive attitudes. Passengers will be able to choose from a short list of programs including Calming, Listening Skills, Letting go of Aggression, Who Moved my Cheese?, and Hugging your Inner Child.
- Cozy Restraints. Luthansa airlines has proposed Cozy Restraint seating for its passengers. Developed by a team of engineers and Sadomasochists the Cozy Restraints are straight-jacket like apparatuses which completely inhibit use of the hands or feet while providing maximum comfort. Positioning of the restraints, and the chair they will be in, are ergonomically designed to help passengers sleep during their flight.
I can hardly wait.
Add commentDecember 30th, 2009 at 07:20amPosted by Eli
Yesterday freshman Congressman Griffith announced he will be leaving the Democratic party and joining the Republicans.
In front of a small press conference, Griffith announced “he believes our nation is at a crossroads and can no longer align himself with a party that hurts our country, hurts our economy, and sucks at beer pong.” No reporters at the event questioned why Griffith was talking about himself in the third person. He was also wearing white skull face paint and a top hat, which no one bothered to ask about.
Voodoo is believed to be at the heart of Parker Griffith’s party change. People close to him have reported that drastic changes in his personality, including referring to himself in the third person, all started when he received a mysterious package in the mail. The package contained a small charm; upon wearing it, Griffith began acting differently. Aside from the top hat and chain smoking cigars, the most notable change has been the announcement of his change in political parties.
Since falling from power, Republicans have been voracious to regain political muscle. The GOP has gone to any length to debilitate the Democratic “Super Majority.” They even reached out and told Joe Lieberman he was “cool” to acquire his support. Lieberman has not taken off his leather jacket since. Enlisting the forces of Voodoo to sway Democrats to their cause would be little sacrifice compared to spending time with Lieberman.
This would not be the first time Voodoo has worked its way into the US Congress. During the Reconstruction, Georgia Congressman Danforth Seward went before Congress to speak in favor of northern policies. His speech was interrupted by what appeared to be several stabbing pains before his genitals suddenly caught fire. A lower Louisiana district elected a Zombie into congress in 1813, who was re-elected in 1817 and 1832.
I’m pretty sure Griffith will not be the only zombie in the Republican caucus.
Add commentDecember 23rd, 2009 at 02:08pmPosted by Eli
The District of Columbia legalized gay marriage yesterday, and society has already begun to crumble.
Yesterday the City Council for the District of Columbia voted to legalize marriage among same-sex partners. The fabric of society immediately began to come apart. National Guard troops have been unable to restore order.
Riots have broken out throughout the DC area. Otherwise calm and peaceful people have taken to looting and burning everything in site, however they are not rioting because of the passage of the law. When asked why, rioters responded, “Nothing means anything anymore! There’s no reason not to!” Indeed, with one of the basic tenants of society shattered, lawlessness has descended on the District of Columbia.
Hedonistic revelry has also befallen our nation’s capital. The Washington Monument was turned into a giant maypole, where all the Congressional pages danced naked in a fertility rite. Prostitutes and interns were seen giving lapdances to the Lincoln Memorial. Senators and lobbyists erected a wicker man on the Washington Mall that was filled with Bibles and copies of “Are you There, God? It’s Me, Margaret” then burned in effigy.
Families driving through the district have noticed the effect as soon as they pass the border. Once they have crossed over into a land where gay marriage is legal, children immediately begin disrespecting their parents, family units break down, and chaos breaks out. If they are lucky enough to get to the other side and leave DC, normalcy resumes and they have no idea why they behaved that way. Motorists are being advised to avoid DC at all costs.
Scientists suggest an immediate evacuation of the District of Columbia. “Given the geographic confines of this hysteria, it seems the most likely solution would be to remove anyone who is still inside. Once the general population is safe from the effects of gay marriage, 12 city council members in Haz-Mat suits can be sent in to repeal the law. That should make the District safe again for civilized habitation.”
Why do the gays hate America???
Add commentDecember 16th, 2009 at 11:01amPosted by Eli
- Sony Playstations will be air lifted into the country.
Dozens of the original, first generation, Sony Playstation will be air dropped into different areas around Afghanistan. No one in the United States has played the system for years, and Army Intelligence has been grabbing every system they can get their hands on. Once deployed the system will provide ample distraction for disaffected youths who might otherwise join a terrorist group. When given the choice between going to an Al-Qaeda training camp, or staying home and playing Playstation, hopefully more young people will stay home and enjoy Western entertainment.
- Fast food burritos will be dropped into the most war-torn and starving parts of the country.
Like in most conflicts it is the people who have suffered the most who want to fight back. Taliban and Al-Qaeda recruitment is highest in areas where hunger and poverty are rampant. To alleviate the issue of hunger, hundreds of thousands of pounds of fast food grade burritos will be dropped in to these areas. Terrorist groups who steal the food, and eat more than one or two per person, will be incapacitated with intestinal distress. Ideally this may help flush some groups out of their caves, as they may require fresh air.
- Regis Philbin.
An anonymous source within the Intelligence community confirms that daytime television host Regis Philbin will be air dropped alone into the heart of Afghanistan. “Every day that man makes millions of people want to watch him, but can you say why? No, you can’t. He’s not funny, or attractive, or even interesting, but you can’t take you eyes off him, can you? We believe he will be invaluable in promoting a positive outlook towards America.” When asked if it was appropriate to put a old talk show host in such a dangerous situation, our source simply said “…he knows how to take care of himself.”
Any of these approaches would be a significant improvement over the current “throw 30,000 more troops at it and then start withdrawing them when I’m up for re-election” plan.
Add commentDecember 2nd, 2009 at 08:09pmPosted by Eli
Once again, the Weekly World News goes where others can’t, and gets the details on Lou Dobbs’ presidential ambitions:
Lou Dobbs has confirmed he will be running for President in 2012, on the Unashamedly Xenophobic ticket.
Dobbs retired recently after spending nearly 30 years as an anchorman for CNN. He left the program due to controversy around his views on illegal immigration and the Obama Birther conspiracy. Now with extra time on his hands, Dobbs in considering a run in politics.
Lou Dobbs said he will run on the Unashamedly Xenophobic ticket. “We’ve got to do something for this country,” said Dobbs in an interview yesterday. He went on to describe how America is losing touch with its roots: “America deserves a leader that fight for our identity. Finally, there will be a party for middle class white people who are threatened by change.”
Political advisors say that Dobbs is capitalizing on a rift in the Republican party. Around the country moderate Republicans are at odds with staunchly conservative Republicans. Feeling abandoned by moderate Republicans, the more extreme conservatives have already begun threatening to create a third party. Some believe Lou Dobbs would hope to rally these disaffected and inherently frightened conservatives and spearhead their third party initiative.
“Some people say that after 9/11 and the wars abroad they are tired of living in fear. I say America isn’t scared enough!” Dobbs continued in his interview. “There are people out there who aren’t like us, and I don’t know about you but that scares me! Mexico could invade at any minute! Al-Queda has sleeper cells everywhere! Somebody needs to stand up for the sake of regression to a simpler time, in the face of a changing world!”
Dobbs released on his website his first commercial for a presidential campaign. In the video he stands in front of a mirror talking himself up, encouraging himself to stand up to stand up for the middle man, the scared man, and be the voice of “Real America.” “Somebody has to stand up to the Liberal Agenda, the Gay Agenda, the Illegal Alien Agenda! Are you threatened by change? You should be. I’m Lou Dobbs, and I want to be your President.”
Another media personality Glenn Beck has also considered a third party alternative. Beck’s fan base is similarly conservative and accustomed to being afraid. In several of his episodes Beck has also chastised the Republican party for being too moderate, and not speaking to the needs of its more conservative fringe. Lou Dobbs is expected to meet with Beck to join forces in creating a third major political party.
Run, Lou, Run! And if you could recruit some candidates to run under your mighty xenophobic banner in the downticket races, that would be even better.
Add commentNovember 25th, 2009 at 11:16amPosted by Eli
