Weekly World News is tracking the transition process as President-Elect Obama moves the pieces in place for his new role.
First off, there appears to be some unexpected controversy about Hillary’s cabinet position:
Despite news that President-Elect Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State, Clinton has now publicly declared her wishes.
At an “impromptu” press conference, Hillary was surrounded by mutant Americans as she stated, “I am most interested in heading up the new Bureau of Mutant Affairs!”
“I for one know what it’s like to be persecuted for being a minority,” she explained while crying softly. “It was very difficult running to be the first female presidential nominee. But if I could get through that, I can certainly help these mutants break through their own glass ceiling!”
Obama aides are saying he has taken this as a personal affront on his family, as it was well known that Obatma was to be the first Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs. Many Americans feel that Obama owes Clinton a position in his cabinet after bumping her out of the primaries, so he may bring unwanted scorn if he turns her down.
A female mutant at the rally also felt conflicted. “Who should I support more? The first female Commissioner or the first mutant Commissioner? I really just don’t know.”
Insiders are not expecting Clinton to challenge Obatma to a debate, as it could be viewed as malicious due to his inability to speak any human language.
And remember that hypollergenic puppy Obama was going to get for his daughters? Well, not so much…
President-Elect Obama’s Transition team announced today that the First Family to be has made a very important decision. They have decided on what breed of pet to bring to the White House: a Bigfoot.
In fact, it is a tiny Bigfoot. And to accommodate Malia’s allergies, this little big-guy is the first hypo-allergenic Sasquatch known to man.
(…)
“Hikers found the Tiny Bigfoot, Albert, in the woods back in August,” shelter director, Susan Thomas told reporters. “We ran all sorts of tests on him to identify his species and age, and one of the things we noticed was that he didn’t cause an allergic reaction in people who usually show signs resulting from dander or saliva. He may not be a mutt, but he sure is a doll.”
The Tiny Bigfoot spent the weekend with the Obama family to insure Malia didn’t have any adverse reactions. Spokesmen from the First-Lady-Elect’s office told reporters that the family took to Albert very quickly. “He is already a great companion to the girls and is proving to be an excellent guard dog. He doesn’t let them out of his sight.”
The President-Elect himself is reported to be very pleased with their choice and looks forward to increased relations between his administration and the cryptid community.
All the more important that he make the right choice to head the Bureau of Mutant Affairs…
1 commentNovember 19th, 2008 at 10:38amPosted by Eli
At age 13, the mysterious Bat Boy’s hormones are apparently kicking in — he’s developed a crush on Senator John McCain’s daughter Meghan!
Ms. McCain’s security team say the half-human, half-bat mutant has made repeated attempts to see the young beauty — and whined “like a sad dog” when he was shooed away!
(…)
“We are taking this matter very, very seriously,” said a Secret Service source who insisted upon anonymity. “This may sound like an innocent case of ‘puppy love,’ but we are concerned that we may have a stalker on our hands.”
Dr. Ron Dillon, the scientist who originally discovered Bat Boy, strongly believes that the agents are blowing this out of proportion. “Bat Boy is absolutely not a stalker, he wouldn’t harm a hair on Meghan McCain’s head.
“He is clearly in love for the first time in his life and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Don’t you remember how that felt? Now imagine that AND being a half-bat mutant. Puberty is Bat Boy’s biggest challenge yet.”
(…)
“Apparently, he saw her chatting with Jay Leno on TV and became fixated on her,” said the Secret Service source. “We believe he has tracked her cross-country on her campaign trail, using his superior hearing and sense of smell.”
Agents say the pint-size creature has tried to see Meghan at least three times, most recently when he showed up beneath her hotel window with guitar in hand and screeched what may have been Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”.
Given his shaky grasp on English, it did not go over well.
Poor Bat Boy, trapped between two worlds.
Add commentNovember 12th, 2008 at 06:52amPosted by Eli
The Alien was not available for comment, but issued a statement that sent his condolences to both the American public and Senator John McCain for getting it wrong….
Insiders believe the Alien will beam himself this evening to McCain’s home to offer the Senator a shoulder to cry on.
After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.
Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.
“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters….
“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders. He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’ It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”
PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.
“Fortunately the holidays are coming up. It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.
“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate. But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”
…John McCain is putting a Flux Capacitor on the Straight Talk Express. It appears that the GOP is resorting to time travel to secure the election. McCain is expected to travel back in time later this evening and change several strategies of his earlier campaign.
Campaign officials have gone on record assuring voters that the time machine is eco-friendly and will run on all natural fusion from renewable Venusian grade Dark Matter.
There is much speculation about what strategic changes McCain will make, including whether he will pick a new running mate. When asked about having her relevancy erased from existence, Palin instead talked about American Exceptionalism and rural anecdotes.
A functional time machine is currently being installed by the MIT Motor-Shop class who put the hydraulics, hover-conversion, and 13” sub-woofers on Stephen Hawking’s motorized chair. McCain hopes the new “Tricked Out” look will help him appeal to younger voters.
Further changes in the timeline are not expected by the Arizona senator as the Republican campaign can only afford enough fuel to send him back roughly three months.
So much for coming to terms with his failures and not worrying about the what-ifs…
2 commentsNovember 5th, 2008 at 07:03pmPosted by Eli
KEY LARGO, FL - Manigator flees arrest at a McCain rally where he bit a man he claimed was “Un-American.”
During a rally for the Republican presidential candidate, proceedings were halted by a sudden commotion at the back of the open air venue. A young Latino man was flailing hysterically at what appeared to be a small alligator biting his pants, while screaming “I told you man, I’m Puerto Rican!”
After being shaken loose, the creature yelled back, “Damn Mexicans, taking our jobs!” He then went on to make lurid passes at several of the campaign’s interns. The small cryptid slurred much of his speech and witnesses say he smelled of cheap whiskey.
Police and wildlife officers arrived on the scene shortly thereafter to apprehend the manigator. However, he avoided capture for thirty minutes while shouting expletives about being denied free speech. Eventually he was able to slip under a fence and make a run back to the swamp.
Police tracked Manigator through the swamp for hours, following a trail of empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, menthol cigarette packs, and frequent yells of “Get ‘er Done!”
Mrs. McCain… is also the Queen of Svalbard, the northernmost province of Norway. Although the archipelago is technically part of Norway, the Norwegian government leaves all authority over the province to Mrs. McCain.
“We have treaties and we have an armistice line. We don’t cross and thank heavens those creatures don’t cross either,” Morten Wetland, Norway’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations said through a translator.
The creatures that Wetland refers to, in addition to Mrs. McCain herself, include The United Tribes of the Three Polar Bear Legions as well as the Worg Enclave and the Sasquatch Nation.
While under McCain’s despotic rule, peace has been achieved among the bears, wolves and sasquatches. In Wetland’s own words, “Thank the heavens the Ice Witch does not turn her icy glare south. ”
Should Senator McCain lose his bid for the presidency, it is feared that Mrs. McCain will mobilize her minions from the ice kingdom to wage a war of revenge against America and her allies.
On the positive side, a polar bear/sasquatch invasion might be the only way to get our troops out of Iraq.
Add commentOctober 29th, 2008 at 11:29amPosted by Eli
The Chaos Cloud was [sighted] hovering high above western Ohio yesterday. Small particles of dust fell on Toledo as the Chaos Cloud moved southeasterly heading in the direction of Columbus, the Ohio state capitol.
Many believe the Chaos Cloud will remain over Ohio in this key election period as accusations of voter tampering, registration fraud, and robo-calling continue to plague this pivotal swing state.
With Ohio playing the deciding role in the 2004 election, both campaigns have dispatched hundreds of lawyers and thousands of unpaid volunteers to monitor the election.
Ohio Secretary of State, Jennifer Brunner told a press conference, “We are taking every precaution to make sure the accusations of 2004 are not repeated. The emergence of The Chaos Cloud shows just how important a role Ohio plays.”
While the Chaos Cloud is believed to be non-partisan and unaffiliated with either party, no one is eager to see it show a preference by descending upon earth any earlier than its scheduled 2014 reign of destruction.
Why would a Chaos Cloud have a schedule? Isn’t that kind of counter to everything a Chaos Cloud stands for?
Add commentOctober 22nd, 2008 at 06:33amPosted by Eli
At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.
The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.
(…)
Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”
When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”
Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.
“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”
Meanwhile, Senator McCain is gearing up for the final debate. Literally.
Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced Monday he will suspend his campaign yet again in order to upgrade his cybernetic systems. Sources say he hopes to appear more passably human before the final debate.
McCain’s need for an upgrade comes as no surprise to many insiders. During the Oct 7th debate his GPS systems were noticeably damaged, causing him to wander aimlessly for much of the evening.
Glitches in the Arizona senator’s operating system became most apparent in Dallas when he answered an economic question by engaging his loafer-jets and repeatedly flying headfirst into a wall. After a quick reboot the senator apologized and went on to talk about tax cuts.
The McCain campaign hopes an upgrade before the Oct. 15th debates will help the senator, who has been behind in polls for weeks, appear more modern and life-like. GOP cyborg specialist Dennis Fiorino said “Our candidate will receive the most up-to-date software for dealing with twenty-first century problems. After his Vista upgrade, he will be the best equipped to lead our nation.”
Obama will have his work cut out for him tonight.
Add commentOctober 15th, 2008 at 07:07amPosted by Eli
The Amish have unexpectedly catapulted themselves to the forefront of the alternative energy community:
The Amish have begun using zombies for manual labor. Despite their reputation for resisting change and a simple life, the Amish are quickly replacing horses and other beasts of burden with the walking dead in many rural communities.
A recent outbreak in nearby Philadelphia brought scores of zombies to Pennsylvania’s idyllic “Amish Country.” Quilt shops and covered bridges from Lancaster to Brandywine were littered with animated corpses. But in tragedy, Jebediah Rosmarin saw an opportunity.
“The town was filled with zombies, and the Jenkins needed their barn raised. Seemed like the natural thing to do.”…
Given their long lifespan and limited food requirements, zombies have become an ideal pack animal for a slow economy. Now covered buggies pulled by zombies can be seen slowly hobbling throughout Lancaster County.
When asked if it is ever awkward to see former friends and loved ones as living-dead pack animals, Rev. Kurtzweill responded “We know they would forgive us for denying them peace, and we forgive them for trying to eat us. In the end the work gets done and that’s what’s most important.”
It seems like a win-win solution all the way ’round. What could go wrong?
Add commentOctober 8th, 2008 at 11:32amPosted by Eli
UPDATE: The lower house of the U.S. Congress has voted down the rescue plan to bail out Wall Street. Henry Paulson has called on Bat Boy to persuade those in the House of Representatives who rejected it to move the plan forward.
Bat Boy seemed confident that a bounty of mosquitoes and his collection of bird skulls will do the trick.
09/25/08 - A financial crisis has been averted!
WASHINGTON, DC - Henry Paulson has proposed Bat Boy to be Deputy Treasury Secretary of the U.S. Treasury. The Senate is understandably skeptical of this recommendation.
“I mean, people are saying Sarah Palin isn’t qualified enough to be Vice-President, and she’s a governor! This bailout boy lives in a cave!”, exclaimed an unnamed Senator. He wished to remain anonymous, for fear of mutant backlash.
Paulson’s reasoning?
While experimenting in his cave, Bat Boy discovered a rare form of guano left by his fellow bats. This peak guano is such an effective form of alternative energy, the government will be able to sell it as an oil -alternative domestically and abroad for a tidy profit, thus covering the $1 trillion dollar cost of bailing out the financial system.
Paulson also stated, “Bailout Boy will not require lavish executive pay or even a hefty bonus. Bat Boy has asked to be compensated entirely in mosquitoes–an abundant commodity that we are happy to be unloading at this time.”
Is there anything Bat Boy can’t do???
Add commentOctober 1st, 2008 at 07:18amPosted by Eli
Once again, the Weekly World News’ hard-hitting election coverage scoops the world:
A former doctor of Republican Presidential Candidate, Senator John McCain, claims the reason McCain has continually refused to release his medical records is because he is, in fact, a cyborg!
Dr. John Lawler, renowned gastroenterologist at Walter Reed Medical Center, reports that during a routine medical inspection, he discovered what he believed to be polyps on Sen. McCain’s colon. Upon further inspection, Dr. Lawler discovered what appeared to be thumbnail sized microchips throughout Sen. McCain’s digestive and nervous system.
Calls to the Hanoi Hilton have not been returned, although a recent press release from medical personnel formerly employed by the Viet Cong suggest prior knowledge of McCain’s cyborg status. The press release, dated September 15, 2008 denies any role in transforming McCain into a machine.
This is not the first time that claims of a Northern Vietnamese program to infiltrate the United States government with cyborg operatives have emerged. However, until now, hard proof of such a program has been unavailable.
Under the Freedom of Information Act, a request has been submitted to the Federal Government on behalf of Weekly World News to require the McCain Campaign to release all medical records for the Senator.
Well, now we finally know what McCain’s been hiding. Are cyborgs even constitutionally eligible to be president?
Also, if he’s gasoline-powered, I think it’s fair to ask how this would impact his foreign policy decisions.
Add commentSeptember 24th, 2008 at 11:25amPosted by Eli
Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.
A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.
The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska. Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.
Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species. Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.
Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture. Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.
Presidential nominee John McCain wants fellow nominee Barack Obama to put his campaign ads away and instead settle the election like gentlemen—by having a duel!
The bold challenge, publicly issued by McCain’s feisty Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, would spare the American people from the typical smear campaigns and save millions of dollars in citizens’ donations, according to McCain.
“In this way we are protecting all the American people: Democrats, Republicans and Independents,” Palin told Associated Press Television Network in an interview.
As conceived by McCain, the duel would be held in a neutral “purple” state such as Pennsylvania, with NBC News’ Tom Brokaw as the referee. Each leader would be allowed to bring along just two “seconds” to aide him in the man-to-man confrontation.
The combatants would use one previously agreed-upon weapon, “with president against president, vice president against vice president and first lady against first lady in a duel,” Palin proposed.
So, while Obama battled McCain, Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden would take on Palin, and Michelle Obama would rumble with Cindy McCain.
The Republicans haven’t proposed a specific weapon — pistols, swords, knives, battle axes, etc. That choice would be up to the Obama campaign.
Publicly, Obama’s team scoffed at McCain’s proposal. Campaign spokesperson Robert Gibbs said it did not warrant “a serious response.”
Behind the scenes, however, some Obama aides are toying with the idea.
“We have no doubt that Barack could take McCain — he jogs every day and is in tip-top condition,” said a campaign source.
“We are considering proposing a sword fight in which Barack’s long arms would have a significant advantage.”
I’m not clear exactly what would happen with a mixed outcome; I like the Obamas’ chances, but I’m not so sure about Biden.
Add commentSeptember 17th, 2008 at 11:36amPosted by Eli
Once again, the Weekly World News scoops everybody:
Following Sarah Palin’s emergence on the national stage, the blogosphere lit up with reports that Governor Palin does not actually hail from Wasilla, Alaska but from a planet known as Wazeela.
The tiny planet, which is located some 37,000 miles due east from the Sun, is known to be rich with fossil fuels that lie beneath snow-capped peaks.
Internet reports also cited the particularly short 5-month gestation period of Wazeela females as proof that Palin was, in fact, a Palien.
Yet another catastrophic vetting failure by the McCain campaign.
Add commentSeptember 10th, 2008 at 10:06pmPosted by Eli
Space aliens learn that you don’t mess with Texas… air shows:
YEAGER, Texas — Marauding UFOs recently attacked a Texas air show, thinking vintage biplanes would be easy pickings.
(…)
“Our annual vintage World War I dogfight had just become airborne at the Yeager Air Grounds,” [stunt pilot Col. Pete Newman, USAF, Ret.] said.
“Bill, Jerry and I were flying low above the grandstands so folks could get a good look at us. As we began to climb we were suddenly intercepted!
“Preceded by a flesh-rattling hum, three UFOs descended majestically from the low clouds. They were the size of oil tankers and coming in fast!
“Two UFOs quickly cornered Bill. He looped, pushed his stick forward and went into a dive to lose them. He almost succeeded . . .
“Meanwhile I had troubles of my own. A second UFO was firing ray beams at me from its underbelly!” Newman said.
“As I glanced behind me, I saw that Bill’s cockpit was empty! The aliens had abducted him!
“His biplane corkscrewed down and smashed into an empty hangar, erupting in flames!
“If only we had ammo instead of blanks!” Newman remembered thinking at the time. “I’m not sure lead would have worked against those big shiny ships, but at least we wouldn’t have felt so helpless.
“I pushed my nose up and headed for a third UFO hovering above. I came in directly under the belly gun. Apparently, that was a blind spot.
“Jerry followed my lead. I was looking to ram the alien mother ship kamikaze-style before it could hurt anyone on the ground. We were betting those ETs didn’t know that maneuver. Jerry and I both had chutes. We could hit the silk right before impact.
“Suddenly, the struts of our wings and the fabric of our fuselages were buffeted by level five wind shear! My heart was in my throat as a shattering sonic boom followed. A moment later, four Air Force F-16s were scorching toward the saucers at the speed of sound.”
Unknown to the preoccupied biplane pilots, their Air Force co-stars, the world famous Angel Squadron, had taken to the air. They were approaching like a flying arrowhead in a tight, deadly formation.
“The F-16s headed straight at the invaders,” Newman continued. “The A-Squad leader opened fire on the UFOs and the other half-dozen jets followed. The Air Force was packing some serious heat-seekers and gave the aliens a taste of its state-of-the-art missiles.
“The UFOs immediately retreated straight up. The F-16s followed and continued to fire at those chicken-yellow extraterrestrials. The crowds cheered as our boys gave chase!
“We knew the outcome all along,” Newman said. “The F-16s had a home-atmosphere advantage. Dodging and evading the ray-gun blasts, the jets pursued their quarry to the upper atmosphere when the UFOs suddenly went hyperlight and vanished. The Angels returned to earth, emitting bursts of red, white and blue smoke as they descended. Then they went into their formation flying show as if nothing had happened.
“Incredibly, the aliens were so scared they de-abducted Bill, who was standing on the airfield. He waved us in as we approached. There were tight embraces and back-slaps all around as we exited our planes.
“I deeply appreciate what the young flyboys did for us, but I can’t help but wonder if Jerry and I could’ve taken the UFOs by our lonesomes,” Newman said.
“Maybe those alien space bullies will return next year and we’ll get a chance to find out.
Favorite turns of phrase: “Flesh-rattling hum”; “de-abducted”.
Add commentAugust 20th, 2008 at 07:12amPosted by Eli
The Federal Agency of Interstellar Contact has egg on its face after a botched assault on the half-breed space baby Ethan McCauley and his earth mother Stacey.
As revealed in Weekly World News (April 18, 2005), Stacey was abducted by that infamous alien Lothario, Moogera, and impregnated with his love child. Moogera is currently in federal custody under the NOTE (Not Of This Earth) Provisions.
Lt. Commander Jack Williams, FAIC public affairs liaison officer, told WWN, “When we first read about Baby Ethan in your paper, we were flabbergasted. We knew about Moogera and had been keeping an eye on him. But we had no idea that he had fathered a child with Ms. McCauley.
“The fact that young Ethan has many of the same extraterrestrial powers as his galactic deadbeat dad makes it imperative that we study him further. His powers of levitation alone, if harnessed, would be a tremendous asset to our military.”
WWN has learned from Ms. McCauley that when she was first contacted by FAIC representatives demanding custody of the child, she informed them, “The only way you’ll get my baby is to pry him from my cold dead hands!” The Feds hustled off to get a court order declaring Stacey an unfit mother for a space alien.
Her next-door neighbor, Ronnie New, told WWN what happened next.
“First, I have to tell you — it’s normal to see strange things going on at the McCauley home,” Ms. New said. “Weird lights in the middle of the night, mountain lions hissing at the door, alien beings hovering outside the window. But when three black sedans pulled up and a bunch of guys in cheap black business suits jumped out, that was unusual.”
(…)
“Her SUV was parked there,” New said. “She hauled butt down a dirt road to Grove Street. Then she really opened ’er up.”
Two CHiP officers manning a radar gun saw the speeding white SUV.
“We pursued her onto interstate 15 headed north,” said officer Chad Copper. “But the faster we went, the faster she went. It was like that 4×4 had afterburners. I could swear they were flying.”
After passing Lake Elsinore, Stacey left the freeway and headed into the mountains. She pulled into Doc Smith’s Gas Emporium.
“She kissed that pink-eyed spawn of hers and said, ‘I’ll just be a minute, honey,’ ” Doc Smith told WWN. “Then she came in to pay for a fill up and milk.”
But as she entered the store, the CHiPs closed in. Doc Smith said he heard the SUV door open and slam shut.
“Then I saw the craziest thing,” he said. “That baby was levitatin’ above the pumps! Suddenly, he took off like a bottle rocket.”
As the police called for aerial reconnaissance, the fast-flying Baby Ethan flew off. Traffic reporter Belle Daytona picked up the story.
“I was doing my morning rush hour broadcast when I saw this baby fly past,” she said. “I thought maybe a stork had dropped the poor thing and he got caught in an updraft. But no — this kid was flying.”
Belle said the child landed at the base of Mt. Kipling, near a small pond. He settled among a pack of coyotes. The animals scattered — then returned slowly, sniffing him and finally hoisting him onto their furry shoulders and carrying him off to a nearby cave.
“Ethan always got along well with animals,” a tearful Stacey told WWN. “It was like he could communicate with them.”
Stacey was given a summons for speeding — the only crime she had committed. Separately, she and the authorities then began a thorough search of Mt. Kipling and its surroundings hills. There was no sign of Ethan.
“Oh, they won’t find that tyke unless he wants to be found,” laughed Ronnie New. “I was once playing peek-a-boo with him. Between ‘peek’ and ‘boo’ he went off, got a container of yogurt, and dumped it on my head. He’s a playful kid — but weird. And fast.”
Maybe he’ll become feral enough to actually team up with Bat Boy - they’d be pretty unstoppable at… whatever it is they do.
Add commentAugust 13th, 2008 at 07:45amPosted by Eli
Romney promises to protect spelunkers from monsters
WEST VIRGINIA — Former Gov. Mitt Romney made a campaign stop at the famous cave where Bat Boy was found, using the scenic location to discuss safety issues.
Romney, campaigning for the Republican Party’s vice presidency nomination, stood before the cave entrance for a photo op while a press representative told a throng of supporters, bewildered tourists and reporters, “Given the incredible discovery that was made in this cave, the governor feels we need to be more vigilant about protecting workers and explorers from monsters. We ask our fellow citizens to enter these caves to work and we need to ensure that they can safely walk out at the end of the day.”
Walking near the entrance but declining to enter, Romney reportedly remarked that the country needs to wean itself from foreign energy supplies so it’s of paramount importance that our nation’s resources are safe. Creatures like Bat Boy, he was overheard to say, are a threat that has to be contained so our miners can dig with confidence.
(…)
Bat Boy, last seen in Manhattan, was unavailable for comment.
We’ve been so focused on fighting terrorists that we have lost sight of the dangers we face from the domestic monster community. Kudos to Mr. Romney for his courageous efforts to raise our awareness of the monster threat.
Add commentAugust 6th, 2008 at 09:26pmPosted by Eli
I think now we know why the appeals court threw out the $550,000 fine for Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction”:
(By Vickie York)
Jiggly Janet Jackson’s antics at the Super Bowl half-time show enraged many Americans. But she’s won the gratitude of thousands of people worldwide, who claim they were cured of disease after watching her exposed breast on TV - or simply touching a photograph of it!
Sports fans who tuned into the game and inadvertently got an eyeful of Janet’s bare boob have flooded health departments with letters stating that the sight cured them of a host of medical woes, ranging from cancer to zits.
Perhaps even more incredibly, hundreds of others who only saw the censored image when it was replayed ad nauseum on TV - or touched a still picture in their morning newspaper the next day - also claim to have received miracle cures.
And while angry FCC honchos are investigating Janet and MTV, which produced the half-time show, for possible violation of federal decency rules, folks whose health was restored by the naughty display are begging the agency to give the miracle songbird a break.
“When Justin Timberlake tore Janet’s costume and her breast popped out, I felt a shock go through me,” says 85-year-old Edith F. of Paterson, N.J., who had been confined to a wheel chair due to crippling arthritis since 1993.
“I was so disgusted, I stood up, crossed the room and turned off the TV. Then I realized what I’d done - I’d walked for the first time in 11 years. There’s no pain in my legs anymore. My arthritis has been cured. Janet’s miracle boob healed me.
“She should be rewarded, not punished. And they should rebroadcast that moment every chance they get.”
Other amazing accounts:
o A 56-year-old brain cancer patient in Tulsa, Okla., says his tumors vanished overnight after he saw the “accidental” boob-baring episode replayed on Good Morning, America.
o A 24-year-old Shreveport, La., man who suffered from acne for a decade claims viewing the half-time show cleared up his complexion.
o A 35-year-old Topeka, Kan., housewife plagued by hemorrhoids says the condition went away after she touched a censored newspaper photo of the boob-flash. “I was covering up the picture so my son wouldn’t see it, and the very next time I used the bathroom everything was completely clear.”
While most experts are skeptical, some say it’s conceivable that the shocking event really has medical miracles busting out all over:
“We’ve known for decades now that a shock to the system can sometimes jolt the body back to health,” explains Dr. John Wilson. “Shocking images can jump-start the body’s own healing mechanisms.”
This would not be the first time that breasts have been shown to possess therapeutic powers in addition to their many other positive qualities.
Add commentJuly 30th, 2008 at 11:46amPosted by Eli
SIGNS YOUR TOILET IS A GATEWAY TO ANOTHER DIMENSION
1. Your toilet bowl seems to get dirty unusually fast. You clean and disinfect, but before you know it, there’s a nasty ring inside again. This grime may be coming from an extra-dimensional source.
2. When you flush, the water goes down clockwise. This is unnatural, and indicates the influence of malign entities.
3. When sitting on your toilet, you occasionally feel a gentle breeze on your bottom. Other dimensions send reconnaissance “soldiers” into the pipes to search for innocent prey. When they sense movement, they gently glide out of the water to check it out and naturally take a few breaths. That’s what you feel.
4. After a bout of stomach ailments or diarrhea, you suffer from a sudden onset of sadness or depression. This may be the result of spending an inordinate time near a spiritually infested toilet bowl. You may be the victim of happiness-robbing vibrations coming from other dimensions.
5. You flush and leave the bathroom, only to return awhile later and notice the toilet is still running. This is the worst sign of all. It’s a signal that the evil spirits have broken through the complex space-time continuum and entered into the earthly dimension. Bar the bathroom door immediately and leave the house.
I cannot emphasize enough how serious this is. WWN had a pair of companion stories about the dramatic upswing in trans-dimensional Toilet Disappearances, so the consequences of ignoring these warning signs can be very very dire.
Well, this is considerably less sporting than I thought…
(By Vincenzo Sardi)
A new scientific examination of Goliath’s skull proves conclusively that David, in the words of one scholar, “putteth a hit” on the biblical giant with a .38-caliber handgun, NOT with a stone as most preachers tell us!
And some experts are suggesting that the incident, in fact, was a drive-by attack, with David having fired the weapon from a moving chariot!
A team of forensic pathologists using high-tech computer analysis reached their startling conclusions after examining holes in the forehead and the back of the ancient skull.
“The skull was penetrated by a .38-caliber slug that entered above the eyebrows at a high rate of speed and exited at the back of the head,” confirms Dr. David Ben-Levy, who coauthored the study, published in Israeli Archaeology Quarterly.
“A great mystery, of course, is what a handgun was doing in the Holy Land more than 3,000 years ago, centuries before the first known use of firearms. We can only assume it was a gift from God.
“But an even bigger mystery is why the Lord in all his wisdom and power didn’t give David an Uzi or a rocket-launcher or a submachine gun. He really does work in mysterious ways.”
(…)
The Bible talks of David loading his weapon, described as a “sling,” with five “stones.” Miraculously, David used the weapon to strike down the far bigger man.
(…)
The sheer size of the skull - nearly 18 inches tall - has left little doubt among archaeologists that it did indeed belong to the warrior, by far the tallest man of his day.
But experts have always been puzzled about the huge hole at the back of the skull.
“It looks like a classic exit wound,” Dr. Ben-Levy explains.
Many stunned Bible scholars admit they’re baffled by the discovery. But the Rev. John Deneck, a leading theologian, says the answer to the riddle may be simple: God knew that in a fair contest, Goliath would cut David to pieces, so He stepped in to help the boy.
“Since the Almighty was on David’s side, He could supply him with any weapon He chose - even one from another time,” the London-based clergyman points out.
But the biblical description of the battle of David and Goliath is contradicted by other writings of the era that say David “unleashed fire from his hand” and “putteth a hit on his foe.”
One account suggests Goliath was a victim of the world’s first drive-by shooting, with David riding past his foe on a chariot and squeezing off a single shot.
Another account says David had a second shooter - a sniper - waiting nearby, in case David’s marksmanship proved not up to the task.
Man, where’s CSI: Israel when you need it?
Add commentJuly 16th, 2008 at 07:35amPosted by Eli
Dr. Haden “Dutch” Vanderflooger was suspended without pay from California’s prestigious Surgery Depot for writing filthy swear words on patients’ internal organs, say police.
Investigators, tipped off by an outraged nurse, say they’ve already discovered five cases of cursed guts. Vanderflooger scribbled:
@#$% You on a pancreas
Screw Off on a liver
Go To Hell on a heart
Ass (on one lung) Hole (on the other)
#!%sucker, #!%sucker, #!%sucker, #!%sucker scrawled more than 50 times the length of a small intestine.
Vanderflooger freely admits to the surgical graffiti.
“Hey, it’s a hobby,” says the doctor. “Some guys fish or build ship models. I write obscene words on my patients’ insides. It doesn’t hurt them. I make sure to use non-toxic magic markers, and it makes me laugh. Come on. My job is very serious. I need to lighten the mood or I’d go nuts.”
After the peeved R.N. ratted to cops, a few of Vanderflooger’s patients volunteered to undergo free MRI procedures so law enforcement officials could collect evidence. The films were turned over to hospital administrators, who immediately cut off the surgeon’s privileges until they could decide what to do next.
“Vanderflooger is such a fine physician that his patients don’t want to press charges against the man who saved their lives,” says Sulu Valley, Calif., police chief Joe Esposito. “And when we told them what was written on their organs, they thought it was hilarious.”
This is why you should never have your operation at a place called “Surgery Depot”.
In paintings of the Last Supper, all of Christ’s followers are depicted as men, but startling new evidence has emerged proving that two of the Apostles were sassy, full-bodied gals!
And the forgotten 13th disciple, named Joanna, didn’t just tag along with the boys to do their laundry and wash their dishes - she played a critical role in getting Christianity off the ground, experts say.
The mind-blowing revelation may finally help to solve some of the most intriguing Bible mysteries of all time, such as the puzzling discovery of lipstick on the Holy Grail, the chalice used at the Last Supper.
And it has led to speculation that other of the Apostles may have belonged to the fairer sex as well - including turncoat disciple Judas, who, experts now suspect, was really a woman named Judith.
“It would certainly explain why Judas suddenly kisses Jesus at the Last Supper,” notes one Bible scholar.
“Judas was Our Lord’s most devoted follower one minute and His betrayer the next. Her impulsive decision to turn Jesus in suggests a scorned woman acting out of jealousy and rage.
“Or perhaps it was simply her time of the month.”
But while the notion that Judas was really Judith remains controversial, researchers are now quite certain that Joanna was a lady Apostle.
The wife of a prominent courier to King Herod, Joanna changed her name to Junia when she became a follower of Christ, says Richard Bauckham, professor of New Testament Studies at St. Andrews University.
The Bible makes the importance of this figure quite clear. In St. Paul’s letter to the Romans, he describes Junia as “prominent among the Apostles.”
The feisty den-mom disciple witnessed the crucifixion and was also on hand for Christ’s miraculous resurrection.
But in the Middle Ages, when the Bible was being translated, scholars altered her name to the masculine form, Junias - either by mistake or to impose their own sexist views - and her role was largely forgotten.
“The medieval church was male-dominated and they wanted it to stay that way, but whether someone was cooking the books to make it appear that the Apostles were all men is not yet certain,” Robert Bartlett, a professor of medieval history at St. Andrews, said in an interview.
A source inside the Vatican says Pope John Paul II is stunned by the possibility of a female Apostle.
“This could lead to some big changes in the role that women play in the Catholic church,” the source predicts.
For those of you who think farming is all fun and games:
(By Steve Dunlop)
A 48-inch grasshopper chewed its way through an acre of corn before farmer Barry Gissler drew a bead on the creature with his 30-30 rifle - and shot it dead!
Now university experts are studying the 23-pound insect’s carcass in hopes of finding out where it came from and why it grew so big.
(…)
Gissler shot the gigantic grasshopper on March 15. Oddly enough, he had seen the insect perched on the seat of his tractor three days earlier but was tired after working his fields and thought his mind was playing tricks.
“The next afternoon I noticed something had been eating my corn plants and set out to find it,” said Gissler, who lives 15 miles south of Reefton, New Zealand.
“A few minutes later I saw the hopper clinging to a stalk and I don’t mind telling you that I just about jumped out of my pants.
“But this time I knew my mind wasn’t playing tricks. The damn thing spit a full quart of ‘tobacco’ juice and hit me square in the face.”
(…)
The next morning he resumed the hunt and found the creature polishing off a cornstalk on the west end of his field.
“My mongrel dog took off after him but the hopper knocked him flat on his butt with another salvo of juice,” said Gissler.
“For the split second he was distracted I aimed and shot. He never knew what hit him.”
The farmer took the insect to the local agriculture office where agents referred him to [insect specialist Robert] Scholl.
The bug expert is already conducting tests on the carcass but says it will be weeks or possibly even months before results are in.
“It’s imperative that we find out what made the grasshopper grow so big and if there are others like him,” said Scholl.
“It’s all we can do to keep regular insects from eating all our crops right now.
“A breed like this could turn the tide in their favor once and for all.”
We’re all doomed. Doomed!
Add commentJune 25th, 2008 at 06:49pmPosted by Eli
Bewildered NASA scientists are working overtime to solve a baffling mystery - after a space probe photographed Earth-type garden gnomes and pink flamingos on Mars!
Initial speculation that the images might have been the handiwork of a prankster at the space agency was shot out of the water when photos beamed back by another probe showed the same type of cheesy lawn ornaments littering the surface of the moon.
“Clearly we’re looking at a pattern, but exactly what’s going on here is a mystery to me - and I have three Ph.Ds,” declares astronomer and rocket scientist Dr. Henry Brinsezki, who has been working with NASA to solve the mind-bending riddle.
…Dr. Brinsezki confirms that the first set of images were taken in April 2001by the Mars Global Surveyor as it passed over a region of the Red Planet known as Cydonia. And shockingly, they’ve been kept secret from the public ever since.
Then, just last month, another NASA probe photographed close to a dozen gnomes and flamingos in the moon’s Sea of Tranquillity.
Now NASA scientists are racking their brains, trying to come up with a logical explanation.
Among the theories currently being bandied about:
1) A shadowy organization known as the Gnome Liberation Group, known to be behind the kidnapping of thousands of gnomes from lawns going back a decade or more, placed the objects on the celestial bodies as a prank - or perhaps to give the little men their “freedom.”
“The trouble with this theory is that there’s no evidence that this organization has the funding or wherewithal to achieve space travel,” points out… Dr. Brinsezki. “If they have, that’s almost as unsettling as the thought of aliens traipsing around our solar system.”
2) The objects are ancient artifacts left behind by a long-dead alien civilization that visited Earth eons ago and started the lawn ornament tradition on our world.
3) Modern-day ETs who like the way mankind’s lawn ornaments look placed them in the front yards of their hidden lunar and Martian bases in comparatively recent times.
So far, this theory has won the most adherents at NASA because some of the gnomes are just yards from where astronaut Neil Armstrong walked in 1969, yet he made no mention of having seen them.
The fact that goofy-looking lawn ornaments are cluttering the historic site actually has some NASA officials hopping mad.
“Frankly, no matter who put those gnomes and other junk on the moon and elsewhere, we want them gone,” fumes a NASA source who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “They’re making our solar system very tacky.”
Could be worse. There could be lawn jockeys, and lunar rovers up on blocks.
Also, I have to admit that I kinda like the Garden Gnomes Of The Gods theory. It’s probably the most logical explanation for the existence of garden gnomes and lawn flamingos that I’ve ever heard.
Add commentJune 18th, 2008 at 11:34amPosted by Eli
A renegade biologist announced that he not only cloned the world’s first human, but that he successfully cloned Richard Simmons.
Dr. Nunzio Altiplano, a well-known fertility expert, made the shocking announcement in London recently, claiming that a likeness of Richard Simmons - identical down to the smallest cell - is currently thriving in its crib at the doctor’s secret laboratory somewhere in the Canary Islands.
“This is an enormous breakthrough,” gushed Dr. Altiplano.
“Not only have I duplicated a human being for the first time in world history, I have duplicated a great human being.
“I have set the guidelines for all future human cloning - to propagate only the best in mankind.”
Altiplano, who was in London to visit Dolly the sheep, said he first hit on the idea of cloning Richard Simmons while doing sit-ups to the chatty celebrity’s workout video, Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
“It struck me that this was a man,” explained Dr. Altiplano, “the kind of man the world needs more of. His incredible wit and sagacity made me see that there should be more men like Richard Simmons - many more.
“And I intend to make many more clones of Richard - an army of them - to help the world.”
The cloning was denounced by the Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority (HFEA) in England, whose members have publicly referred to Dr. Altiplano as “a madman” on more than one occasion.
“They said that Napoleon was mad,” responded Dr. Altiplano. “They said Hannibal was mad, and that Caesar was the maddest of them all!
“I say let time decide who is right.”
Um, does anyone else think that it sounds like Dr. Altiplano intends to use his army of Richard Simmons clones to conquer the world?
Add commentJune 11th, 2008 at 06:56amPosted by Eli
“People know that bad luck is supposed to befall anyone whose path is crossed by a black cat,” said superstition expert David Goth. “However, my findings indicate that cats are only one of many ominous creatures to be avoided.”
While researching the Salem Witch Trials last month, Goth discovered a book called Black Beasts.
“It was hidden in the floorboards of a house that belonged to the first coven to dwell in the town,” said Goth. “It’s over four hundred years old and details a number of hitherto unknown spells and curses. But I was most interested in the reported consequences of encountering other black animals.”
The first cursed animals mentioned in Black Beasts were goats.
“While not much of a problem now, people often had black goats cross their paths in the 1600s, when farmers commonly walked them through the town,” said Goth. “Little did these agrarian people know that they were causing the facial hair of onlookers to grow one hundred times faster than normal.”
Goth released a list of other hexed creatures that witches used to work evil spells. Among them were:
Black flies: They make people deathly allergic to insect bites.
Black horses: They give people huge sores on their seats.
Black birds: They make people fall out of love with their spouses.
Black bats: They trap the blood in a person’s head and cause terrible migraines.
Black bears: They put people into a coma for several months.
Black squirrels: They drive people nuts.
“This book could explain a number of mysterious maladies that people have suffered over the years,” said Goth. “I was most intrigued by the animal that caused family members to suddenly hate and ostracize the person whose path it crossed.
“I’m definitely going to stay away from black sheep from now on.”
The Food and Drug Institute of America has uncovered evidence of a shocking plot perpetrated by the health food industry.
“We’ve discovered dozens of secret farms scattered across the country,” said FDIA investigator Frank Palmer. “Their purpose is to grow and harvest just one product: fat!
“My undercover sources have ascertained that these farms are growing fat in huge tubs, like living taffy,” Palmer said. “For the past two years they have been secretly injecting home-grown lard into cattle and cow milk — all the processed foods consumed by the American people.” But why would the health food industry be running such an operation?
“Although health food is growing in popularity, its revenue doesn’t begin to compare with that of the meat and dairy industries,” said Palmer. “By enhancing the fat content of the foods most Americans eat, they hope to cause people to gain weight more quickly, forcing them to turn to fruits and vegetables at a younger age. It’s an insidious plot.”
Naturally, leaders in the health food industry have denied these allegations, reiterating their mission to improve the health of mankind. “Introducing extra fat into the American diet would double the amount of heart disease, leading to higher death rates,” said Natural Heart Cuisine president Miles Willis. “Even if that didn’t matter to us ethically, it wouldn’t make much business sense to injure potential customers, would it?”
The FDIA isn’t so sure, and is continuing its efforts to prove the health food industry’s underhanded attempts to increase their profits.
“These guys may be dizzy from their leafy green salad diets,” said Palmer. “It’s only a matter of time before we have enough evidence to show that our suspicions carry weight.”
Martini shakers and stirrers everywhere are expected to make a mass exodus to the U.K. after a group of hikers announced they’ve discovered the Fountain of Vermouth.
Charles Forde, 41, of Manchester, stumbled upon God’s gift to the updrink drinker during a camping trip in Northumberland.
“I was looking for wood to start a campfire,” Forde told Weekly World News, “but I stumbled on something that warmed us up even better — an endless supply of the martini mixin.
“At first I thought it was just your regular, run-of-the-mill bubbling water spout, but the smell was what got me thinking twice,” he said. “It was sweet, but strong, so I bent down and took a quick sniff and sip, realized it was dry vermouth, and ran all the way back to the tent to tell everyone else!”
The other campers, William Ackers, 39, and Harry Lamport, 40, also from Manchester, were equally excited about the Fountain of Vermouth. The trio spent the next four days relaxing by the gushing goodness, then staggered home to report their find to the local government.
“Vermouth usually comes from Italy or France, so we were excited that England can get in on the sales too,” Forde said.
Although the Fountain of Vermouth was found just last week, English officials expect word to spread quickly and are preparing for a sharp spike in tourism to the Northumberland area.
“We expect martini lovers will plan their vacations around the fountain, literally,” said head of tourism Roger Reed. “In fact, there’s one thing the area is missing in order become the perfect outdoor watering hole.
I’m surprised no-one ever thought of this before, it makes such perfect sense:
TERRORISTS have formed their own airline — because they’re afraid of getting on a plane that could be hijacked by other terrorists!
That’s the incredible claim made by Amir Humad, a Saudi terrorist who was recently captured and is being held in a top-secret location.
“No one’s going to hijack a plane when everyone else on the plane is a crazed terrorist,” Humad says. “Sure, terrorists are crazy, but we’re not crazy enough to get on a plane that might be hijacked.”
Ironically, El-Al Queda, as the new airline is called, is the result of increased security on other airlines.
“It’s hard to be a good terrorist when you can’t even take a pair of box cutters on a plane,” Humad says.
In fact, El-Al Queda has a very different approach to security.
“If you’re NOT carrying a bomb or a weapon, it’s hard to get on,” an El-Al Queda baggage handler says. “We’re in the business of spreading WMDs. We can’t give seats to every little terroristwannabe.”
And in the event a bomb does go off, blowing up the plane, the terrorists say there’s no way to know which bomb caused it — so each of the terrorists would get the 72 virgins they’re promised when they go to heaven as a martyr.
WEEKLY World News sources have confirmed that a professor at Webster University… is in possession of a book that was printed on another world. What’s more, the thick volume isn’t a cookbook.
“It’s an alien bible,” said 41- year-old linguistics professor, Dr. Emmanuel Johnson, whose skill with foreign languages has earned him the nickname “Magic.” “And wait till you hear who their god is!”
The book was discovered by construction workers who were on their lunch break at the ‘Big Dig,’ the city’s new interstate tunnel. While the workers watched TV, the foreman was crushing soda cans against his massive forehead. When he ran out of them, he looked for something else to prove he was a hardhead as well as a hardhat. That was when he saw a large container half-buried in the earth. He dug it out, struck it hard against his brow and passed out. The vessel was unharmed but one of the workers spotted strange writing on the outside. Dr. Johnson was summoned along with paramedics.
“The first thing I noticed was that the markings were not the petroglyphs of Native Americans,” Dr. Johnson said. “There were numbers and mathematical signs. One of them almost looked like the letters UPN and NBC. If I didn’t know better I’d have sworn they were a TV schedule.”
(…)
Back in his library, Dr. Johnson opened the container.
“Being whacked against the foreman’s head had loosened the top,” Dr. Johnson said. “It popped right off. I began to wonder if, in fact, that was how the aliens opened containers on their world. If so, they must have suffered brain damage over time.”
Inside, Dr. Johnson found a small, thick book. The cover illustration showed a constellation that bore the unmistakable likeness of Oprah Winfrey. Stunned, he opened the book, which consisted of multicolored, cloth-like materials. The writing glowed when the professor looked at it.
“It was an illuminated manuscript,” Dr. Johnson explained. “I was immediately able to translate the title, which is called Their Eyes Are Watching Me. The book was comprised of two sections: A Sacred Alien Testament: Written and a Sacred Alien Testament: Oral.”
“The Written Testament is the shorter of the two. Apparently, the aliens didn’t like to read much,” said Dr. Johnson. “The text explains that Oprahs exist on many worlds. There are probably colonies of them throughout the universe, possibly a Planet of the Oprahs. They all spring from the Oprah who wrote the alien bible. It is likely that Earth’s own Ms. Winfrey is descended from these beings.
“The Oral Testament actually speaks to the reader,” Dr. Johnson revealed. “Naturally, it talks in the authoritative but reassuring voice of Oprah.
“It begins with a section called ‘Syndication,’ which encourages aliens to do good deeds on other worlds, including the Earth,” Dr. Johnson continued. “We suspect that the alien visitors who owned this bible were missionaries, members of Oprah’s ‘The Angel Connection.’ It instructs acolytes on the basics of worship, including the use of something called ‘the remote.’
“Then there’s a section called ‘The Boutique’ where you can obtain items like loungewear for worship, mugs for sacred beverages and caps to show your devotion to the ‘Big O’ as she is also called. This is followed by ‘The Books of Oprah’ which are a collection of stories and poems she likes. Most of these were written by an angel named Maya. Next there’s a chapter called ‘Ooooo’ which is all about the do’s and don’ts of sex. Finally, there’s a very thin section on dealing with ‘loss’ — weight loss. The foundation of the diet is the consumption of something called ’stedman graham crackers.’ This chapter contains erasures which suggest that it was once much, much thicker. “We have only begun to delve into the volume, which is extremely complex.”
Dr. Johnson intends to continue his studies of the alien bible and the other artifacts from the Big Dig.
“All I can say is I hope the aliens return to Earth,” he told Weekly World News. “They’d be impressed at how much Oprah has influenced our own culture!”
I believe the ur-Oprah that all other Oprahs are descended from is known as “The Grand Ol’ Oprah.”
Add commentApril 30th, 2008 at 07:33amPosted by Eli
“Go to Hell” may not be such a terrible thing to say after all:
(By Lisa Merakis)
Photographer Johnny Corazzo died for seven minutes when his heart stopped during an operation, went to Hell - and says it was great, absolutely great!
The 51-year-old bachelor says Satan’s kingdom was full of fast cars, free booze, babes in bikinis, slot machines, hookers, greasy fried food and other amenities. It was so terrific down there that he didn’t want to return to normal life again.
“In Hell I saw my best friend from the old neighborhood and when he told me it wasn’t my time yet I was really disappointed,” recalled Corazzo.
“I woke up in intensive care and I actually cried, thinking of the exciting scene I had left behind.”
“I want to be back there where things are hot. I want to be having fun wil all those dudes down there. But I guess Satan has plans for me here on Earth.”
(…)
“I remember travelling through a tunnel toward a bright light,” said Corazzo… “Suddenly I came out into a huge space where I could see millions of people, many of whom I knew had died years ago. These people were enjoying themselves, sitting around playing cards or drinking beer or playing the slots.
“They all looked so happy. They were having so much fun. There were beautiful babes all over the place, serving chicken nuggets, french fries and drinks. I had ust grabbed a frosty bottle of beer when my old pal came up to me and told me I had to go back. I was so upset.”
Corazzo said that since his glimpse of Hell, he’s lost his fear of death. He says he can’t wait to die and go back to the great afterlife there.
But meanwhile, he intends to live a sinful life so he doesn’t wind up in Heaven by mistake.
“I know where the fun is now,” the photographer said, “No way do I want to spend eternity with a bunch of boring goody two-shoes in Paradise.”
You know, if they have Dr Pepper, it doesn’t sound half bad. On the other hand, maybe this is just the version of Hell you see if you’re not going to stay dead, so you’ll be motivated to continue doing evil things. Then, when you die permanently, you go to the real Hell, where you get disemboweled with rusty garden shears every hour on the hour.
Weekly World News also provided a helpful list of Signs You’re Going To Hell. My favorites:
You wear white after Labor Day
You own a Michael Jackson album on CD
You’ve occasionally asked God to damn something for you
You consider yourself a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual, metrosexual, or Democrat [by my math, this leaves only bisexual Republicans and Independents]
You’re a producer, director, or writer for a reality TV show
You enjoy movies with graphic violence, brief nudity, adult situations, or CGI effects
You engage in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation
You have rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa
You [have subscribed to] the Weekly World News
Bikini devil babes, here I come!
Add commentApril 23rd, 2008 at 11:21amPosted by Eli
(brought to you by Alicia Morgan at Last Left Turn Before Hooterville) The Lost Continent of Atlantis Has Been Found - and it’s the Answer to the Sub-Prime Mortgage Crisis!
DUBUQUE, Iowa — In an astounding discovery, a scientist has announced the most amazing archaeological find of the twenty-first century - the Lost Continent of Atlantis!
Dr. Oliver Icklemyer, an archaeologist at the University of Phoenix, unveiled his astonishing news at a recent press conference in Dubuque, Iowa. First mentioned by Plato in Timaeus around 360 B.C., Atlantis was a magnificent continent-sized island empire which was destroyed in 9000 B.C. in the span of 24 hours by earthquakes and floods, and was subsequently lost in the bottom of the ocean, its advanced civilization lost forever - or so it has been believed. For centuries the location of the fabled Atlantis has been hotly debated, but Dr. Icklemyer has stunned experts by claiming that Atlantis is actually about half a mile out from the Jersey Shore.
“It stands to reason,” the professor modestly explained. “When I connected the dots - ‘Atlantic Ocean’, ‘Atlantic City’, ‘Atlantis’ - it all fell into place.”
And now, the Lost Continent of Atlantis has not only been discovered, but will soon be inhabited once again for the first time in eleven thousand years - by the victims of the Sub-Prime Mortgage Crisis!
The White House is hailing this as a ‘win-win’. A spokesman for the Administration is quoted as saying, “This is a red-letter day for the Americans who have lost their homes due to fraudulent and deceptive marketing practices by banks and mortgage brokers. Each and every family that has been bilked out of their house will receive, practically free of charge, a beautiful 1/16-acre plot in the exclusive Atlantis: Phase II ‘lifestyle community’ subdivision - and an air tank for each member of the family! Every home is equipped with running water. There are recreational activities galore, including fishing and swimming.”
Already real-estate developers are scrambling to get first dibs on this remarkable bonanza of untapped investment potential. An unnamed real-estate mogul calls it the real ‘final frontier’, saying, “Space, shmace! That’s so last century! You wanna talk about your ‘Manifest Destiny’ - this is it, baby!” He plans on changing the name to ‘Trump-lantis’.
In a statement to the Weekly World News, the President’s mother Barbara Bush notes,”And so many of the people in Atlantis here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this–this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them.”
1 commentFebruary 22nd, 2008 at 12:22amPosted by Alicia
