Posts filed under 'Weekly World News'

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Sure, it’s all well and good to send kids to summer camp to lose weight, but does that really go far enough?

“We’re very proud of the campers who make it through the summer,” said Edith Nelson, director of Slow Burn Ranch.  “It takes discipline and courage to get through a program whose purpose is to help young children get ‘ripped.'”

Nelson is referring to her two-year-old establishment where kids receive ‘buff love’ from the counselors.

(…)

All of the counselors at Slow Burn Ranch are expert body builders.

“We strive for the Grecian ideal,” said two-time Mr. Galaxia winner, Harold Roscoe.  “It’s a mathematical standard based on the physiques of ancient Greek statues.  I focus mostly on resistance weight training.  It’s really adorable to watch these youngsters straining to heft five pound dumbbells over their heads.”

“We operate on a buddy system here,” said Olympic star Jezebel Tarte.  “No one goes home until they can clean and jerk their buddy.”

(…)

“We serve a lot of salad, pasta and fish,” said Nelson.  “They make faces at first and are all ‘Where’s the hot-dogs?’ and ‘Where’s the marshmallows?’  But since we remove the plates of those who complain, it’s not a mistake they repeat.”

Weekly World News asked a few of the campers how they found their time at Slow Burn Ranch.  “It hurts at first,” said six-year-old Sal Jones.  “Also, at second and third – they make us run bases with ankle weights.  But when I got used to it, it didn’t make me cry.  Too much.”

“It’s awesome,” said eight-year-old Steven Fisher.  “Wait till the kids in school poke my gut and find out it’s a six-pack instead of flab.  I’m like a superhero now – one of the cool ones, not a stretchy nerd or a fish man.”

“Most of the children have very positive experiences at Slow Burn Ranch,” Nelson said.  “It’s not just about getting buff.  Our campers all leave here with a wonderful set of muscle memories.”

I recommend making sure that your children are not able to beat you up.

March 31st, 2010 at 09:27pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Olympic Edition Pt. II

I know, my previous Olympics post was a bit of a downer.  But this uplifting story will be sure to raise your spirits again:

The Winter Olympics are in full swing and America is transfixed.  Even sports once considered obscure are enjoying a surge in notoriety as Americans kick off the winter blues by cheering on the teams.  In fact one sport is so obscure and absurd that it has become the next big thing.

Curling has become the new fad with hipsters all over the country.  Entire blocks in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, were closed down this week for tournaments.  The sport was a natural fit for the hippest of the hip.  Curling has up to this point been so maligned and unpopular that it was a perfect choice to be co-opted and played ironically by the trust fund generation.  Also it is highly similar to the summer game Bocce, already popular among hipsters because it is usually only played by old European men.  Also the game is not physically demanding and can be played in skinny jeans or American Apparel leggings and and won’t damage vintage t-shirts.

Among hipsters the sport has its own subset of rules.  Many of these rules exist to make the game more ironically lame, thereby more appealing to the hipster demographic.  The game is often played on iced over streets in neighborhoods they are gentrifying.  Actual irons or similar items acquired from a local thrift store are thrown towards a desired goal.  Two teammates with brooms or whisks sweep away detritus or previous residents to clear a path.  A target is placed some ways away, but not too far that they’d have to actually try, usually an LP of an indie band or some kind of vegan fair-trade baked good.  Whoever gets their item closest wins the target.  Or the winning team is treated to brunch; the official meal of the hipster class.

“Man, you just don’t understand” said Kyle Roberts, a self proclaimed web designer/graphic illustrator/part time photographer/writer who has mostly been “finding himself” in the six years since college and a typical Williamsburg resident.  “It’s not that we’re doing it to make it cool.  It’s not cool.  That’s the point.  That’s why its fun, is it’s so lame and we’re recognizing that.  We’re not just slaves to irony, but… yeah whatever.”  When asked how he would feel if the game caught on and became popular he said “MAN!  See if people hear about it and it becomes cool then that’s just lame and we’d all stop doing it.”

Mathematicians at MIT are working on a formula to plot out the “so lame it’s cool” phenomena.  Unfortunately few mathematicians are actually cool enough to “get it.”  Lab tests are being done that include putting skinny jeans on monkeys.

Further proof that the spirit of Sport is truly universal.

February 24th, 2010 at 09:12pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Olympic Edition Pt. I

Weekly World News uncovers a Scandal!  Apparently gamma radiation is the new HGH:

[Apolo] Ohno and [Bode] Miller have won a total of 27 medals in various Olympic events.  This is a record number of medals for one country in the Winter Olympics.  Miller took home the gold in men’s Super Combined, one downhill plus one slalom.  Then he went on to take bronze in the men’s Mega Combined, which is one downhill plus two slaloms… and a blindfolded ski jump.  He took home another gold in the men’s Ultra Combined, which is two downhills, three slaloms, four vodka shooters, and a fistfight with a bear.  He beat out the highly favored Russian team in this event.  Apollo Ohno has won 18 medals in various speed skating trials.  At the 500 meters Ohno had enough time to do a victory lap, then make a cappucino and present it to the silver medalist as he crossed the finish line.  Miller and Ohno are highly favored in the upcoming mens Competitive Snowman.  All medals won will be melted down and used to fund future Olympic teams.

These exceptional accomplishments are now marred by scandal.  Miller and Ohno are believed to have been using performance enhancing gamma radiation.  Rumors are circulating that the two have mutated their way to Olympic glory.  Last week during a standard training the two became angered at coaches, turned green and threw their bowflexes into a nearby lake.  The US Olympic team officially denies all claims that any of their athletes have been intentionally mutated.  “That’s Malarky!” says head coach Paul Swizzel.  “Pure horse-puckey every bit of it!  Why my boys are just as clean and healthy as the driven snow!  No crazy performance enhancing chemicals or radiation here I tell ya!”

Scientists, however, tend to disagree.  Dr. Salomon Vasloo of the Vancouver Science Institute confirms “What we are seeing here is beyond human capacity.  These are not men, they are more like the heroes of legend.  Prime physical specimens capable of feats beyond those of mortal man.  Only science could imbue such gifts, such that the gods of old either can’t or won’t.  Praise be to Science!  Amen.”

I don’t know what’s more disappointing – that they cheated, or that I missed the Ultra Combined final.

2 comments February 24th, 2010 at 07:52pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Sports,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

More on Sarah Palin’s palm:

Over the weekend former Governor Sarah Palin delivered the keynote address to the first annual Tea Party convention in Tennessee.  She spoke about several topics including how Democrat policies will turn the country into a socialist post apocalyptic wasteland, general conservative talking points, and who is allowed to use the word “Retard.”  For ten minutes she made jokes about President Obama and his dependence on teleprompters.  Photographic evidence has shown that she was also given notes during her speech, but wrote them on her hand.  If this will affect her standing with the arch-conservative Tea Party remains to be seen, as they have yet to correctly use the term “Irony.”

Palin criticized Democratic policies for nearly an hour without ever being too specific.  Most of her political critique consisted of “Democrats are like this…” then repeating quotes in a silly voice while crossing her eyes and flailing her arms.  The crowd loved it.  “I mean, Socialized Healthcare, Oh my god!  Right?”  She continued “And President Obama, what kind of butthead can be President for a year and get nothing done?  I’m not going to reduce myself to name calling here, I’m just asking a question.  His actions are leading this country straight into chaos and it will take serious measures to get us back on track!”

She mentioned that Rahm Emmanuel should be fired for referring to people as “Retards.”  She also said that it’s okay when Rush Limbaugh calls his opponents “Retards.”  “Because he’s Rush, ya know?  When he says it, it’s, you know, whatever!  You get it, right crowd?”  The crowd cheered in support of her argument.  After her speech she asked everyone to friend her on facebook and twitter.

Though Democrats are criticizing Palin for writing notes on her hand, and referring to them often when she was asked questions, it is unlikely she will face any repercussions within the Republican party.  One insider states “she’s just way to popular to get in trouble.”  Another anonymous source says, “Oh yeah, when you’re that popular and pretty, people let you get away with anything.  Like last year she totally lost her son, then three months later found him in the back of a closet.  Everybody just covered for her afterwords.”

Talk of succession was rampant, despite not being on the official agenda.  Overall the week long event led to a stronger and more polarized Tea Party as a whole, unified by the poor decisions made after “discount moonshine happy hours” at local bars.

Come to think of it, this doesn’t really sound all that different from what we’ve already heard…

February 10th, 2010 at 11:27am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Palin,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

The Weekly World News has the inside story of what really went on in Obama’s State Of The Union address:

Frame by frame analysis of last night’s broadcast reveals subliminal messages in the State of the Union.  During key points of the speech text would appear for only a fraction of a second.  When the President would mention the need for jobs, subliminal messages read “TRUST ME” and “TOTALLY BUSH’S FAULT.”

Discussing failed attempts at health care reform messages read “MY BAD” and “SORRY, I TRIED.”  Outlining his plans for the future the President was framed by phrases like “FOLLOW ME” and “EMBRACE MY DIVINE RULE.”  While mentioning Republican opposition to legislation, messages read “DON’T BE A JERK” and “SERIOUSLY GUYS, GROW UP.”

Also interspersed were subliminal images intended to reinforce the President’s message.  Single frames can be found in last night’s address of emotionally evocative images.  When discussing the “historic call to action” the country is facing, images were seen of Americans on bread lines during the Great Depression, America’s celebration of Victory in Europe, and Rosie the Riveter.  While outlining his future economic policies, motivational posters were seen, including the “Just Hang In There” cat.

Analysis shows that these techniques were also used by White House officials in the audio feed.  Buried in white noise, just barely loud enough for the brain to register subconsciously, the President’s speech was underscored by the sound of kittens purring.  If the President’s speech is played backwards is clearly plays Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds.”

Finally, Democrats are closing the subliminal messaging/mind control gap!

February 3rd, 2010 at 11:23am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Obama,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Heidi Montag is an inspiration to young women everywhere:

Photos have been released now of a post operative Heidi Montag.  On November 20, 2009, she went under at least 10 surgeries in one day to achieve physical perfection.  Her hips thighs and neck were liposuctioned, botox injected, chin reduced, and breasts enlarged.  But her quest for perfection didn’t stop there.  The former The Hills star paid for doctors to implant robotic devices to give her bionic super powers.

Weekly World News has discovered that heiress and reality TV star Heidi Montag now has powers far beyond those of any mortal man.  A team of 10 surgeons, 4 robotics specialists, and 3 auto mechanics spent 23 hours in surgery giving Montag her cosmetic updates and bionic implants.

Now the slight framed starlet is stronger than an Olylmpic weight lifter and can outrun a cheetah.  Lab tests show her lifting 185 lbs with her kegels.  Optical and auditory implants increase her vision and hearing ten-fold.  She also has a USB port and wifi.  With the enhancements complete, Heidi says, “Now I’m  stronger, faster, fiercer!”

When asked what she will do with her newfound powers, Montag says she will “Be Fierce!”  When asked exactly what that entails she said, “UGH!  You just don’t understand!”  After a mild hissy fit about how no one understands her, she continued, “I am going to so much fiercer now.  Now I can spot haters or paparazzi from literally a mile away.  And dress sales, forget about it.  And I can hear what’s going on at the other end of the room, so I’ll always know who’s saying what and know all the gossip.  How awesome is that?!  And my new album is coming out soon!  So the choreography for that is going to be amazing.  It’s going to be better than Madonna, like the actual mother of Jesus, if she’d put on a concert.  And I like don’t have to worry about getting exhausted from touring, just plug me into the wall, give me some frozen yogurt and I’m good.”

Reporters asked Montag if she would be using her super human abilities to help her fellow man.  She replied, “Hey, I’m a role model!  I lift people out of their boring dull lives by showing them how awesome life can be when you’re young, beautiful, rich, famous, and now super powered.  That’s like a public service!”

You go, girl!  Preferably someplace far, far away.

1 comment January 20th, 2010 at 11:17am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Happy New Year Edition

Yes, it’s time for some end/beginning-of-the-year housekeeping, courtesy of the Weekly World News.

First up, we close out the old year with everyone’s favorite space alien sophisticate Mygar’s 2009 In Review:

Celebrity Deaths.
This was not a safe year to be a person of notoriety. A seemingly endless series of persons left us, particularly the in fateful summer of 09. The most notable to leave us is, of course, Michael Jackson. As he only faked his own death, more on him shortly. The most profound death this year I found to be that of Patrick Swayze. His star shone too bright to last long. His depth as an actor, and endless dedication to the dance, has inspired and lifted us all from the quagmire drudgery of our common lives. May love lift you up where you belong Patrick, and the heavens part so you may dance your way into paradise.

Jon Gosselin.
How is your species supposed to evolve when people like this are allowed to reproduce? And no less than 8 times!? Blessings be to those poor children. Who is this overgrown man-child and why is he on television. In any of the better galaxies a wretched person like this would be euthanized for the sake of the gene pool. Even his own children have matured past him at this point. That he was ever given time in front of a camera should be a cultural warning sign. Thankfully Ed Hardy apparel makes him, and douches like him, visible from safe distances. His clothing is like an illuminated sign that reads “This person likely has Chlamydia.” Thank you Ed Hardy. And can someone please save those adorable 8 children from their wretched parents?

Jersey Shore.
Glaring weekly proof that evolution can work backwards. I watched it once and had to give my television a round of antibiotics after. Your entire species should be ashamed. When is turns out this was the glaringly obvious omen that your culture was about to collapse from its own decadence, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(…)

Economic Collapse.
Given how much time I spend upon your planet this affected even my lifestyle. The fine wines ran dry and were replaced with instant cocoa. Imported cheeses went away and I was left with only individually wrapped American. I don’t eat American cheese. I will tear off and fry my own leg first. At least that’s imported! And cocoa isn’t so bad. It goes well with black and white movies on basic cable.

…And Batboy helps ring in 2010 with his list of New Year’s resolutions:

1. Don’t get arrested. Bat Boy has a long history with the law. In years past bat Boy has stolen a car, led authorities on a multi-state high speed chase, and prompted the dispatching of the National Guard. Usually he commits these felonies without meaning to. While currently he is only wanted in 4 states, those states are out of the way and easy to avoid.

2. Always say ‘Please’.

3. Stop breaking into the White House. Bat Boy has broken into the White House 7 times since the Obamas took office. Typically it is because he wants to play catch with the President, or see if Sasha and Malia can come out to play. One time it was to see Michelle Obama because he had a bad dream.

4. Don’t drive. Bat Boy is only a child, yet on several occasions he has been found behind the wheel of a car, usually to disastrous results. This year Bat Boy is making a pledge to not panic and think before he solves a situation by getting into whatever car is closest and driving away.

5. Watch his diet. Being a half bat mutant, Bat Boy only eats mosquitoes. Last month he gave himself a bad tummy ache from eating too many chocolate covered mosquitoes at once. In the coming year he hopes to remember that chocolate covered mosquitoes are just a sometimes food.

6. Clean out the cave more. No one is actually expecting the little mutant boy to live up to this one, but it’s worth a try.

7. Stop rereading the Twilight series. Bat Boy is a huge Twilight fan. He has read his personal copies of the books more than a dozen times. He recognizes he needs to stop doing that so much.

8. Don’t be scared of the Pope. For some reason one of the few things that frightens the mutant child is the Pope. For some reason the combination of old man, shiny costumes, and big hats scares Bat Boy to no end. In the coming year he hopes to remember that the Pope is just a nice old man, and not run screaming from pictures of him.

Happy New Year, everybody!

January 6th, 2010 at 11:27am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Weekly World News has the rundown on the new airline security rules, and they’re even worse than I expected:

New airline restrictions will soon be taking effect.  Weekly World News has acquired a list of what to expect.

Airlines are still reeling from the narrowly avoided terrorist attack on Northwest flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit Christmas day.  A Nigerian man attempted to ignite explosives he had sewn into his underpants while the plane was descending over Detroit.  After careful consideration and emergency meetings of the Transportation Security Administration, here are some of the new rules that will soon go into effect.

– No Underpants.  All passengers will be expected to prove they are not wearing underpants as the garment is too easy to hide explosives or drugs in.

– Mandatory Jumpsuits.  Passengers will be expected to change into full body jumpsuits on their way through security.  The jumpsuits will make it harder for anyone to smuggle explosives, incendiaries, or weapons in their clothing.

– Retinal Scans.  Passengers will receive a mandatory retinal scan, a scan which cannot be faked, and the results will be cross referenced by computer with interpol records for known or suspected terrorists.  Granted no such database exists yet, and it is entirely impractical for apprehending terrorists with no prior criminal history, but apparatus is large enough to give the impression that security teams mean business.

– Spetznatz Flight Attendants.  The days of perky and attractive flight attendants are over as now their duties will be performed by former Russian Special Forces officers.  Their presence is expected to be a deterrent to any potential terrorists and people who talk loudly on their phones.

– Mandatory hypnotherapy.  All stations of in-flight music will be replaced by in-flight hypnotherapy.  Being under a hypnotic trance makes it nearly impossible to stage any kind of attack, and all hypnotic messaging will be designed to minimize aggressive attitudes.  Passengers will be able to choose from a short list of programs including Calming, Listening Skills, Letting go of Aggression, Who Moved my Cheese?, and Hugging your Inner Child.

– Cozy Restraints.  Luthansa airlines has proposed Cozy Restraint seating for its passengers.  Developed by a team of engineers and Sadomasochists the Cozy Restraints are straight-jacket like apparatuses which completely inhibit use of the hands or feet while providing maximum comfort.  Positioning of the restraints, and the chair they will be in, are ergonomically designed to help passengers sleep during their flight.

I can hardly wait.

December 30th, 2009 at 07:20am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Zombie Griffith

The Weekly World News scopes out the real backstory behind Parker Griffith’s defection:

Yesterday freshman Congressman Griffith announced he will be leaving the Democratic party and joining the Republicans.

In front of a small press conference, Griffith announced “he believes our nation is at a crossroads and can no longer align himself with a party that hurts our country, hurts our economy, and sucks at beer pong.”  No reporters at the event questioned why Griffith was talking about himself in the third person.  He was also wearing white skull face paint and a top hat, which no one bothered to ask about.

Voodoo is believed to be at the heart of Parker Griffith’s party change.  People close to him have reported that drastic changes in his personality, including referring to himself in the third person, all started when he received a mysterious package in the mail.  The package contained a small charm; upon wearing it, Griffith began acting differently.  Aside from the top hat and chain smoking cigars, the most notable change has been the announcement of his change in political parties.

Since falling from power, Republicans have been voracious to regain political muscle.  The GOP has gone to any length to debilitate the Democratic “Super Majority.”  They even reached out and told Joe Lieberman he was “cool” to acquire his support.  Lieberman has not taken off his leather jacket since.  Enlisting the forces of Voodoo to sway Democrats to their cause would be little sacrifice compared to spending time with Lieberman.

This would not be the first time Voodoo has worked its way into the US Congress.  During the Reconstruction, Georgia Congressman Danforth Seward went before Congress to speak in favor of northern policies. His speech was interrupted by what appeared to be several stabbing pains before his genitals suddenly caught fire.  A lower Louisiana district elected a Zombie into congress in 1813, who was re-elected in 1817 and 1832.

I’m pretty sure Griffith will not be the only zombie in the Republican caucus.

December 23rd, 2009 at 02:08pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Deep down, I think we all knew this would happen:

The District of Columbia legalized gay marriage yesterday, and society has already begun to crumble.

Yesterday the City Council for the District of Columbia voted to legalize marriage among same-sex partners.  The fabric of society immediately began to come apart.  National Guard troops have been unable to restore order.

Riots have broken out throughout the DC area.  Otherwise calm and peaceful people have taken to looting and burning everything in site, however they are not rioting because of the passage of the law.  When asked why, rioters responded, “Nothing means anything anymore!  There’s no reason not to!”  Indeed, with one of the basic tenants of society shattered, lawlessness has descended on the District of Columbia.

Hedonistic revelry has also befallen our nation’s capital.  The Washington Monument was turned into a giant maypole, where all the Congressional pages danced naked in a fertility rite.  Prostitutes and interns were seen giving lapdances to the Lincoln Memorial.  Senators and lobbyists erected a wicker man on the Washington Mall that was filled with Bibles and copies of “Are you There, God? It’s Me, Margaret” then burned in effigy.

Families driving through the district have noticed the effect as soon as they pass the border.  Once they have crossed over into a land where gay marriage is legal, children immediately begin disrespecting their parents, family units break down, and chaos breaks out.  If they are lucky enough to get to the other side and leave DC, normalcy resumes and they have no idea why they behaved that way.  Motorists are being advised to avoid DC at all costs.

Scientists suggest an immediate evacuation of the District of Columbia.  “Given the geographic confines of this hysteria, it seems the most likely solution would be to remove anyone who is still inside.  Once the general population is safe from the effects of gay marriage, 12 city council members in Haz-Mat suits can be sent in to repeal the law.  That should make the District safe again for civilized habitation.”

Why do the gays hate America???

December 16th, 2009 at 11:01am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

The Weekly World News has uncovered some lesser-known components of Obama’s Afghanistan strategy:

Sony Playstations will be air lifted into the country.
Dozens of the original, first generation, Sony Playstation will be air dropped into different areas around Afghanistan.  No one in the United States has played the system for years, and Army Intelligence has been grabbing every system they can get their hands on.  Once deployed the system will provide ample distraction for disaffected youths who might otherwise join a terrorist group.  When given the choice between going to an Al-Qaeda training camp, or staying home and playing Playstation, hopefully more young people will stay home and enjoy Western entertainment.

Fast food burritos will be dropped into the most war-torn and starving parts of the country.
Like in most conflicts it is the people who have suffered the most who want to fight back.  Taliban and Al-Qaeda recruitment is highest in areas where hunger and poverty are rampant.  To alleviate the issue of hunger, hundreds of thousands of pounds of fast food grade burritos will be dropped in to these areas.  Terrorist groups who steal the food, and eat more than one or two per person, will be incapacitated with intestinal distress.  Ideally this may help flush some groups out of their caves, as they may require fresh air.

Regis Philbin.
An anonymous source within the Intelligence community confirms that daytime television host Regis Philbin will be air dropped alone into the heart of Afghanistan.  “Every day that man makes millions of people want to watch him, but can you say why?  No, you can’t.  He’s not funny, or attractive, or even interesting, but you can’t take you eyes off him, can you?  We believe he will be invaluable in promoting a positive outlook towards America.”  When asked if it was appropriate to put a old talk show host in such a dangerous situation, our source simply said “…he knows how to take care of himself.”

Any of these approaches would be a significant improvement over the current “throw 30,000 more troops at it and then start withdrawing them when I’m up for re-election” plan.

1 comment December 2nd, 2009 at 08:09pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Onion Blogging

I know Monday is usually the day for video, but this was just too brilliant to wait:

December 2nd, 2009 at 06:53am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Monday Media Blogging,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Once again, the Weekly World News goes where others can’t, and gets the details on Lou Dobbs’ presidential ambitions:

Lou Dobbs has confirmed he will be running for President in 2012, on the Unashamedly Xenophobic ticket.

Dobbs retired recently after spending nearly 30 years as an anchorman for CNN.  He left the program due to controversy around his views on illegal immigration and the Obama Birther conspiracy.  Now with extra time on his hands, Dobbs in considering a run in politics.

Lou Dobbs said he will run on the Unashamedly Xenophobic ticket.  “We’ve got to do something for this country,” said Dobbs in an interview yesterday.  He went on to describe how America is losing touch with its roots:  “America deserves a leader that fight for our identity.  Finally, there will be a party for middle class white people who are threatened by change.”

Political advisors say that Dobbs is capitalizing on a rift in the Republican party.  Around the country moderate Republicans are at odds with staunchly conservative Republicans.  Feeling abandoned by moderate Republicans, the more extreme conservatives have already begun threatening to create a third party.  Some believe Lou Dobbs would hope to rally these disaffected and inherently frightened conservatives and spearhead their third party initiative.

“Some people say that after 9/11 and the wars abroad they are tired of living in fear.  I say America isn’t scared enough!”  Dobbs continued in his interview.  “There are people out there who aren’t like us, and I don’t know about you but that scares me!  Mexico could invade at any minute!  Al-Queda has sleeper cells everywhere!  Somebody needs to stand up for the sake of regression to a simpler time, in the face of a changing world!”

Dobbs released on his website his first commercial for a presidential campaign.  In the video he stands in front of a mirror talking himself up, encouraging himself to stand up to stand up for the middle man, the scared man, and be the voice of “Real America.”  “Somebody has to stand up to the Liberal Agenda, the Gay Agenda, the Illegal Alien Agenda!  Are you threatened by change?  You should be.  I’m Lou Dobbs, and I want to be your President.”

Another media personality Glenn Beck has also considered a third party alternative.  Beck’s fan base is similarly conservative and accustomed to being afraid.  In several of his episodes Beck has also chastised the Republican party for being too moderate, and not speaking to the needs of its more conservative fringe.  Lou Dobbs is expected to meet with Beck to join forces in creating a third major political party.

Run, Lou, Run!  And if you could recruit some candidates to run under your mighty xenophobic banner in the downticket races, that would be even better.

November 25th, 2009 at 11:16am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Oh yeah, Obama sure is sticking it to Fox News, all right.  If by “sticking it to”, you mean “granting an exclusive interview with”.  Weekly World News has the inside skinny on Obama’s preparations:

President Obama will finally give an interview to Fox News.  Both he and the station are preparing for the imminent showdown.

News broke this week that the Obama administration will be reversing its policy towards Fox News.  Previously the administration refused to give the channel interviews, ignored Fox reporters at press conferences, and federally detained Fox reporters whenever the President “had a case of the Mondays.”

The rivalry came to a head Tuesday when White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and his staff started a food fight with Rupert Murdoch at a five-star restaurant in Washington D.c.  After the incident the White House decided that President Obama would finally give Fox News an interview.

In preparation for the event the President is preparing himself mentally and physically.  Knowing that Fox reporters will try any and every trick to make him look bad he has taken up meditation in the hopes of remaining calm and focused no matter what is said.

To improve his memory, the White House has begun a strict hypnotherapy program to give him exceptional recall for even the most minute of details.  The President has also taken advanced Tai Chi, blindfolded fencing, and challenging two chess grand-masters at once while balancing the education budget.

Fox News is also preparing for the interview.  Sources claim they have already started compiling their list of questions, which is to include “Were you really born in Hawaii?” “Really?” and “Really?”

Further they will ask, “Why do you hate America so much?” and “Will you admit that you’re a socialist?”

Other questions may include:

– “Are you a puppet of the New World Order?”
– “Do you know some people believe you are the Anti-Christ?”
– “Why do you ignore the will of the American people, as seen in Tea Party demonstrations and town hall meetings?”
– “Does the sight of American Values burn you like a cross to a vampire?”
– “Will you ever come clean about being a Muslim?”
– “Do you have a fatwa against the Constitution?”
– “How are we supposed to believe that you are not a Kenyan/socialist/fascist/muslim/anti-christ untill you prove otherwise?”

I can hardly wait.

November 18th, 2009 at 11:25am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Obama,Republicans,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

WWN sheds more light on the Aerosmith/Steven Tyler breakup:

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has admitted he is leaving the band to persue “other projects.”  Insiders confirm that he is leaving after losing a duel with Joe Perry earlier this week.  Perry was challenged to a duel after saying that Tyler is beginning to show his 180 years of age.

The band Aerosmith was formed in Boston, 1970.  However Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, and Tom Hamilton have been playing together since the 1850s.  While touring the south with their original band “Mr. Tyler’s Feelgood Ragtime Band” the trio came across the Fountain of Youth.

Using the fountain’s powers the trio stayed alive and continued to make music into the 20th century.  In the late 80’s Tyler lost the land rights to the fountain in a deal with Geffen records, and has since slowly begun to show his age.  Hamilton and Perry have begun aging as well, albeit more slowly due to the regular use of moisturizer.

In a private recording studio earlier this week Joe Perry warned Tyler against touring again, saying that his appearance was starting to raise suspicion.  Tyler called Perry a “scallywag” and demanded he take the comment back.  Perry refused, saying “I shall not sir, for by my honor it is the truth.”  Tyler removed his beaded scarf and slapped Perry in the face with it “Then we shall settle this like gentlemen!  Good day sir!”  The challenge was set and the two were to duel at dawn the following day with pistols, with their roadies acting as seconds.

Dawn the following day the two men met on the great lawn of Tyler’s ranch.  The terms were set, if Perry won Tyler would leave the band and they would continue to tour unimpeded.  If Tyler won he would continue as frontman, with a rewrite to their rider taking away Perry’s beloved stinking cheeses and promising Tyler regular botox injections.  At the ranch, Perry provided his family’s dueling pistols.  According to custom each man stood facing apart, took several steps, turned, and fired.  Tyler’s shot was wildly off, owing in no small part to having received a glass eye in Saigon.  Perry shot Steven’s left earring off, drawing first blood and winning the duel.

Keeping their agreement Aerosmith has begun looking for a replacement singer.  Steven Tyler has said he will either work on a solo album, or retire to the country to write poetry.

I’m sure the replacement-selection process will make for a great reality show…

November 11th, 2009 at 11:26am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part II

More detail on the A-Rod centaur portrait story:

News has broken that Alex Rodriguez has a portrait of himself as a centaur above his bed. After being ridiculed over this in the media, Rodriguez wants to set the record straight.

“It’s about my persecution, my pain.” said Rodriguez to Weekly World News.  “You see here the centaur is misunderstood.  He exists in a world of strength and grace beyond regular men, and they fear him for it.  So he is hunted.”

Rodriguez pointed to a picture where he is a half human half horse, next to a beautiful woman holding a large axe.  “Her there, she represents the media.  Ready to cut him to pieces to satisfy the masses.  I wanted her to look like Connie Chung but my lawyer said no.”

Like the parable of his portrait Rodriguez has been ridiculed in the media for the past week over the piece.  Numerous sources are inferring that A-Rod is incredibly vain.  “It’s just like the picture!” cried Rodriguez.  He was so emotionally shaken he almost dropped the porcelain cup he was serving reporters tea with.

“Everyone wants to be David who took down Goliath.  I have a sensitive side!  Look, my collection of leather bound Jane Austen novels!  I’m not just a athlete brute obsessed with his own power, I have feelings!  See?”  At this he pointed out a second portrait of himself as a centaur.  This time he was happily frolicking through the English countryside hand in hand with a centaur version of Emily Dickenson.  “Oh Emily, you understand my pain like no other.”

Criticism over the paintings is due mostly to the World Series, which is still under way.  Once the championship is over the fury is expected to die down.  “Until then,” A-Rod concluded, “I shall hide my tears like a warrior.”

Life can be so unfair.  But at least he’s hitting this postseason.

November 4th, 2009 at 11:25am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part I

Perhaps the Democrats are a little too excited about the House healthcare bill…

Democrats finally presented the health care reform bill yesterday and then celebrated into the early hours this morning.

(…)

To celebrate Democrat leadership went on a massive bender last night.  Senators and congressmen are thought to be involved in numerous cases of disorderly conduct, noise violations, pubic indecency, and the theft of a several farm animals.  Nancy Pelosi in particular is wanted for questioning by the FBI.

Harry Reid is believed to have started the entire ordeal by bringing a case of champagne to the private chambers of the Senate for a toast.  Not long after the celebration turned raucous and two junior congressmen were carrying in the Congressional Beer Pong table.  Credit Card statements show that Mr. Reid purchased some farm equipment from a Super Wal-Mart at 2:30am.  He is believed to be involved in the appearance of a dozen farm animals that mysteriously showed up on Mitch McConnell’s lawn painted with the phrase “Tough Tacos!”  There is still no word on exactly where the animals were stolen from.

Park police reported seeing several middle aged men streaking across the Washington Mall.  None of the men were apprehended and no positive IDs were made.  However they were heard to be shouting “Public Option!” repeatedly.

Rahm Emanuel and Nancy Pelosi are shown on security camera footage renting a limousine shortly before midnight.  Pelosi and Emanuel were seen standing out of the sun roof singing along to “Pokerface” by Lady Gaga.  Several noise residential complaints were called in on to the Speaker of the House.  This limousine is also thought to be responsible for multiple moonings throughout the Metro DC area.  According to witnesses as the vehicle went by, every window of the stretch limousine had a bare backside pressed up against the glass.  Three old women are in the hospital this morning due to shock from the sight.

Details are scarce but the FBI would like to speak with Ms. Pelosi regarding a few flaming bags of excrement that were left on the doorstep of the Indian Embassy.

Democrats have all reported in to work this morning, most with dark sunglasses and large cups of coffee.  As of yet no Democrats have made an official statement about last night.

I never thought I would find myself wishing I lived in DC.

November 4th, 2009 at 07:05am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part II

Weekly World News reports that Republicans finally found a hook to justify voting against the hate crimes amendment:

35 Republican senators voted against a defense bill that included hate crime legislation. They claim it was based on cuts in anti-zombie spending.

“This bill would have put our nations homes and schools in grave danger!”  Georgia Representative Saxby Chambliss said to cheers from fellow Republicans.  “Our great nation cannot afford to gut our zombie defense spending.  And that is exactly what the Democrats would have us do.”

When asked if they voted against the bill because it also contained legislation making violence based on sexual orientation a federal crime the Republicans got very quiet and murmured awkwardly for nearly a minute.  “Zombies are threatening America!” shouted one Senator from the back, and the rest quickly joined in.

Sean Hannity had financial expert Arthur Zweigg on his show to talk about the bill:  “Frankly, Sean, I didn’t see any evidence of cuts to Zombie protection spending.”
“Why do you hate America?”
“Excuse me?  I don’t-”
“You want Zombies to crash through our windows and destroy America.  By supporting this bill, you’re supporting Zombies.  So you must hate America!”

Zombie outbreaks are a growing fear in the country right now.  With our still weak economy and flu season around the corner the nation’s people and infrastructure are particularly vulnerable.  The Obama administration has promised an overhaul to the country’s Zombie Outbreak policy, however the Democrats have yet to come up with an effective strategy to deal with the zombie threat.

Republicans continue to avoid accusation that their denial of the bill was related to its support of gay rights.  Most quickly change the subject to a popular talking point or other rhetorical device.  When cornered in a mens room on capital hill Saxby Chambliss stopped washing his hands and jumped out a window, screaming “No comment!” on the way down.  Senator Chambliss received no major injuries from the incident.

Frankly, I’m a little surprised that they didn’t try to claim that the hate crimes amendment covered attacks on zombies.  Hell, they didn’t even say anything about “reanimation panels”.

October 28th, 2009 at 11:37am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part I

Sarah Palin is taking her upcoming Oprah appearance very seriously:

Sarah Palin will be appearing on Oprah in November.  The former governor is training for what she believes will be a “rough and tumble” interview.

“I know what the media’s like.  I know they’re gunning for me.  So I’m gonna be prepared.”  This was Sarah Palin’s reply as she was training for her upcoming appearance on the Oprah Winfrey program.  The former governor of Alaska will be on to talk about her new book “Going Rogue.”

“You Liberal media types are all out to get me.  And this is the most powerful woman in the world.  So you better believe I’m gonna be ready,”  Palin said while doing bench presses.  To prepare for the interview in Chicago she is going through tough physical training.  Each day she runs 3 miles and kills a deer with her bare hands, in addition to a rigorous gym schedule.

“Oprah’s studio is the bleeding heart of Chicago liberalism.  I’m a pilgrim in the lion’s den down there.  I’ve seen these types of shows.  I know what happens.”  Palin had her personal trainer throw chairs at her, which she would mostly avoid.  “You never know what left-wing wacko will want to get a piece of the Maverick.”

Palin also spent an hour in a butcher’s freezer punching a large slab of meat.  “You see this cow?!  I killed this myself!  That’s how we do it in Real America!  Yeah!”

Her training is not just for a possible physical confrontation though.  “My preparation is both mental, and physical,” insists Palin.  “They try to trip you up by asking meaningless trivia: ‘find China on a map’ ‘what’s the Bush foreign policy?’  Whatever, I’m gonna be ready.”  According to her trainer she spends hours each day playing sudoku and quizzing herself from Trivial Pursuit cards.  “She tried reading the New Yorker once, but got frustrated and shot it with a gun.  That gun scares me.”

Sarah Palin is covering all her bases in making sure she isn’t blindsided by the show.  “I’m gonna handcuff Todd to a chair before I leave Alaska.  Then I know you aren’t pulling one of those crazy, ‘your husband is really a woman’ kinda shows.”

This can only end badly.

October 28th, 2009 at 07:16am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Palin,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

This explains a lot:

Ancient texts reveal that Noah’s ark was built with the help of aliens – and that it was actually a submarine especially made to help him survive the great flood.

Author and biblical scholar Zecharia Sitchin analyzed the original Hebrew version of the Old Testament and other ancient writings. According to those texts, “Noah was advised to construct a boat ‘roofed over and below’ and ‘hermetically sealed with pitch,’” said Sitchin.

“There were to be no decks, no openings, so that ‘the sun shall not see inside.’ The boat was to be a vessel that could turn and tumble.”

The only kind of boat that fits that description, Sitchin said, is a submarine.

And what’s more, he added, the biblical term for “ark” in ancient Hebrew stems from the word “sunken.”

Only a submarine could have withstood the 40 days and nights of such a raging flood, added Sitchin.

“No ordinary surface vessel could have survived the tumultuous waves without being sunk.”

Sitchin also studied ancient texts from Sumer, which is part of Iraq today. In a passage from one of the texts, he said, Noah explains that he survived the flood thanks to the help of superior beings from another planet who helped him build the ark.

Like a modern submarine, the ark had ballast tanks that allowed it to submerge and to surface, Sitchin said. Before the deluge, it took in an oxygen supply and later it surfaced to get more air.

Brad Steiger, renowned UFO investigator, agreed that Noah’s ark was indeed a submarine and that man at that time did not have the expertise to build such a boat, and needed aliens to help.

“One must have advised Noah to construct a water-borne vessel to prevent his death,” said Steiger.

“But Noah would not have known the principles of building such a craft. Being a mere mortal, Noah would not have the ability to construct a submarine. He would have needed extraterrestrial assistance to build his craft.”

It makes a lot of sense, really.  It’s surprising that no one had thought of it before.  Although I’m not sure Noah necessarily would have needed help from space aliens when he had The Almighty on his team.

October 14th, 2009 at 11:29am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Have you at long last, no sense of dignity?

Speaking earlier this week Republican Lindsey Graham spoke out against members of his party, calling the birthers “crazy” and Glenn Beck a “cynic” whose views are “antithetical to American values.”  He continued to speak out against extremism and demagoguery in both political parties, and call for cooperation rather than partisan mud-slinging.  Graham’s civil behavior only confirms the rumor that he has been replaced with a pod person.

Glenn Beck wept as he invited Lindsey Graham back into the Republican fold.  In a special segment on his show, Beck lit candles and played soft music while softly asking Graham to come back.  “I’m just so tired of all this fighting,” he said into the camera, which was using a soft focus filter.  “Republicans don’t fight each other.  All this criticism, I just can’t… I can’t handle it.”  Beck broke down for the 8th time in 5 minutes while If You Don’t Know Me By Now began playing in the background.  “Please Lindsey Graham, please.  Just come home.”

Beck proceeded to talk to a framed pictures of Graham about party unity.  While talking he slowly went from a seated upright position to laying on his stomach, head propped on his hands, and knees bent with feet dangling coquetishly.  While talking about the glory days of Ronald Reagan, he began crying again.  Then, music swelled up and he took a microphone and began singing Come To Me by Otis Redding, directly to the framed picture of Graham.

Poignant!

October 7th, 2009 at 07:16am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Thursday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Because this was just too awesome to wait till next week:

Rep. Trent Franks called President Obama “an enemy of humanity” this weekend.  Franks declared that he feels Obama is an evil cyborg from the future.

“We shouldn’t be shocked at what he has done.  He is, after all, an evil robot sent from the future to destroy humanity.”  These were the words of Trent Franks this Saturday at a “How to Take Back America” conference.  The crowd applauded wildly as he continued “I’m not speaking in metaphor, this is not a simile.  It is my belief that President Obama is an evil robot.”

Franks went on to describe his vision, where President Obama is a cybernetic organism sent from the future to undermine humanity.  It is Franks’ belief that in the distant future ACORN, a liberal fascist corporation, sends back Obama to ready the world for their takeover. Their strategy is to undermine the highest pinnacle of civilization and God-fearing people, America.  “That’s why he doesn’t have a birth certificate!  He was never born!”

“His first act as President of any consequence, in the middle of a financial meltdown, was to send taxpayers’ money to pay for the killing of unborn children in other countries!  What they didn’t tell you was that he did the killing himself!  Obama killed babies!  How could anyone not see the image of God in these little human beings? Because he is an evil robot bent on world domination!”

Trent Franks described how he is working with his minister and a private contractor to create an underground compound in Arizona. “This will be a safe place for the last True Believers, when the liberals have had their way.  There will be food, fresh water, and no gay marriage.”

The assembled crowd clapped hysterically at the Arizona Congressman’s words.  When leaving guests and supporters said things like “It’s the only answer that makes sense.”  “That explains how he came to power so quickly.”  “At first I thought his financial policies were insane. But he’s Trying to destroy America, that’s just evil.”

A petition was being passed around, already with thousands of signatures, asking for a law that would require the President to prove that he is not an evil robot before taking office.  “Why wouldn’t he pass the law,” one woman said “unless he has something to hide.”

Sure, we’re laughing now….

October 1st, 2009 at 07:03am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Obama,Republicans,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

palin_hong_kong_speech

The Weekly World News has the inside scoop on Sarah Palin’s Hong Kong speech:

Sarah Palin spoke to a group of private Chinese investors in Hong Kong [last Wednesday]. Despite glaring ignorance about the region, the audience, and the topic at hand, the group found her folksy and charming.

“I’m going to call it like I see it,” she said early in her speech, “and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A.  First there’s a deli on the corner, next to that is the barber shop…”  She then went on to describe her  hometown for the next 20 minutes.  The assembled group of Chinese investors were bewildered, and a little disappointed.  “We hired her to get a perspective on rural America, not just her town.”  While Palin was mid-way through a story about the first time she made out outside a Dairy Queen, an aide whispered in her ear and she moved on with the speech.

“Ya know, our cultures are very different, but we share common dreams.  Where I come from, in America, we look up to mavericks who drift away from the herd.  Here, ya’ll are like those terracotta soldiers.  You respect same-ey-ness.  But we can all agree that we strive for the same dreams: free-market economic opportunity without government regulation.”  At this the group of investors applauded loudly.

Finding new energy, Palin’s speech rambled on for an extra 15 minutes, about how the investors should channel the strength of the ancient samurai, about the tragedy of David Carradine’s death, about the one Asian couple in Alaska that she’s “pretty sure” are Chinese, how popular Pad Thai is around the world, and how “it’s great America and China can come together like this after we kicked your butt in the war.”

The assembled investors seemed confused but enjoyed the speech thoroughly.  “After years of living outside an American hegemony, it’s wonderful to see this is the person who almost ran your country.”  Another anonymous guest said, “Oh she was great!  I wanna hire her for my kid’s birthday!”

Yeah, I’m thinking the unwitting clown theory just might have been right after all…

1 comment September 30th, 2009 at 11:24am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Palin,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Looks like the Mormon Glenn Beck is doing a little cross-cultural outreach…

Fox News anchor Glenn Beck is encouraging people people to observe Yom Kippur with fasting, introspection and “prayer for the Republic.”  On his television program, Beck described how he will be observing the Jewish Day of Atonement.

He will start by going into a “Real World” style confessional Holy of Holies. In this small room will be only a camera, and a copy of the Declaration of Independence.  Producers have allotted an hour and a half for a close up of Beck’s face as he reads the Declaration while sobbing uncontrollably.

Beck will then anoint himself as the High Priest of The Republic for the day.  On his set, Beck plans to get on his knees and pour canola oil on his head while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.  Duly anointed Beck will then be the High Priest, whose job it is to to cleanse the hearts and minds of America. To anoint America he will ritually burn copies of The New Yorker, Darwin’s Origin of Species, posters for films like Fahrenheit 9/11 and Milk, a map of California, tickets to the Austin’s South by Southwest Festival and a life-size cardboard cutout of Arianna Huffington.

Fox News will cancel all regular programming for the day, for a series of “sermons” delivered throughout the day by leading conservative thinkers.  In the evening, High Priest Beck will lead Fox Viewers in a prayer service.  During the service Beck will have a Passover style plate of food, viewers are expected to prepare and eat along with him as he tells the story.  The food will be 2 fried chicken legs, 3 barbeque ribs, a hot dog, potato salad, and a slice of apple pie.

Beck will then tell of the significance of each piece of food: the chicken legs symbolizing the journey to new lands seeking freedom, the ribs representing the fires our country has been through and how we must each “give of ourselves,” the hot dog a reminder of the idealism of the American dream and how industrialization makes all things possible, potato salad to symbolize our cultural melting pot.  Critics argue that a Irish, German, and English influenced dish that comes out mostly white may not be the best representation of the American Melting Pot, but Fox News has yet to address these concerns.  The Apple Pie represents “how sweet things can be, if we all stay true to our American identity.”

That sounds pretty awesome, although I’m afraid Beck may be atone-deaf.

September 23rd, 2009 at 08:17am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Hubble Heaven

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Despite new repairs to the Hubble Telescope, NASA refuses to release old photos or take new ones of Heaven!

In 1994, a researcher was smuggled one top-secret photo the Hubble Space Telescope had taken of what is presumed to be Heaven. Weekly World News was the first to print the image and report on Dr. Masson’s findings, but despite the media coverage, NASA refused to acknowledge the existence of the photo.

Now that the Hubble has been repaired and NASA is officially releasing some of it’s new findings, the Weekly World News editorial team believes it is NASA’s responsibility to further investigate this space anomaly!

NASA has yet to respond, but take a look below for our exclusive report on the first photo:

HEAVEN PHOTOGRAPHED BY HUBBLE TELESCOPE

February 8, 1994

Just days after space shuttle astronauts repaired the Hubble Space Telescope in mid December, the giant lens focused on a star cluster at the edge of the universe – and photographed heaven!

That’s the word from author and researcher Marcia Masson, who quoted highly placed NASA insiders as having said that the telescope beamed hundreds of photos back to the command center at Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Md., on December 26.

The pictures clearly show a vast white city floating eerily in the blackness of space.

And the expert quoted NASA sources as saying that the city is definitely Heaven “because life as we know it couldn’t possibly exist in icy, airless space.

“This is it – this is the proof we’ve been waiting for,” Dr. Masson told reporters.

“Through an enormous stroke of luck, NASA aimed the Hubble Telescope at precisely the right place at precisely the right time to capture these images on film. I’m not particularly religious, but I don’t doubt that somebody or something influenced the decision to aim the telescope at that particular area of space.

“Was that someone or something God himself? Given the vastness of the universe, and all the places NASA could have targeted for study, that would certainly appear to be the case.”

NASA spokesmen declined to comment on the author’s report “pending further analysis of the photographs received on December 26.” In spite of official silence, agency insiders concede that NASA “has discovered something that might alter the future of all mankind.”

(…)

“After checking and rechecking the data, they concluded that the images were authentic. They also theorized that the city couldn’t possibly be inhabited by life as we know it.

“The only logical explanation was that the city was inhabited by the souls of the dead. As one of my sources put it, ‘We found where God lives.’”

It has been rumored that the space agency has forwarded photographs to Pope John Paul II at his request, but Vatican sources will neither confirm nor deny it.

Dr. Masson, who obtained copies of a single photograph from her NASA sources, says the space agency’s next move “will be most revealing.”

“This is a chance for NASA to come clean with the public and tell us everything it knows,” she said.

Rumor has it that the Bush administration drew up plans to invade it.  Just as a contingency, of course.

September 16th, 2009 at 07:35am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Disney’s acquisition of Marvel Comics is not going over well…

Disney bought Marvel in a $4 billion deal.  Well-loved comic book characters are expressing their outrage.

Many consider the move to be a threat to the integrity of some of the most beloved characters in comics.  When news broke yesterday that Marvel will be bought by Disney, fanboys took to the streets in protest.

Fifteen overweight men dressed as Wolverine caused a scene at a Disney Store in California.  The men entered the store together and began throwing around merchandise, causing mild property damage, and shouting, “Disney can’t Tame Me!”  Most of the men dressed as the movie version of the character but four wore full body spandex costumes.  When mall police arrived they took off running, but soon they all ran out of breath and were apprehended.

A group of fans dressed as The Avengers and sought to protest inside DisneyLand.  However, none of the other guests that day spoke English.  Before leaving they did get a group picture riding Splash Mountain, which is currently circulating the internet.

Dozens of comic book store owners and members of the industry protested outside Disney’s corporate headquarters in Burbank.  Each of the protesters dressed as a popular comic character both to show their support, and protect their identities.  “We are protecting ourselves and our families from retaliation from this corporate giant,” said a man dressed as Spider Man. “But it must be done.  This is the right thing to do.”  Captain America led the group in a series of chants outside the gates of the office complex.  “Bang Pow Bang Pow, Disney you can’t stop us now!” “Comic Geeks Assemble!” and “A Fandom, United, Can not be torn apart!”

Another man dressed as Thor said, “We’re all concerned that Disney’s may tone down some of the existing characters to be more in keeping with their corporate image.  And the Son of Odin will not by silenced by such knaves!”  A content editor who wished to remain anonymous by dressing as The Hulk ripped apart a picture of Mickey Mouse, screaming, “Bad Mouse stifles creative content!”

After a few hours the protesters were taken away by Disney’s secret police.  Families of the protesters still know nothing of the location or well being of their loved ones.

The existence of Disney’s secret police is alarming but not altogether surprising.

September 2nd, 2009 at 11:20am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

This is actually really cool and, I think, really real:

Fourteen years ago, Alex Queral was out looking for wood for a new sculpture, when he suddenly noticed all of the out-of-date phone books being thrown out. It dawned on him that these books could be put to better use, so he collected some and took them home to practice carving.

Queral has since made a reputation for himself for the uncanny portraits of celebrities he is able to find in the pages!

alex_queral2

So how does he do it? He sketches the person’s face on a piece of paper and lays it over the phonebook. Using a razor blade, he then begins to carve away at the thousands of pages to create the 3-D portrait!  Queral is now able to do about two per month.

alex_queral3

Queral has had three solo shows to display the phonebooks, as well as a recent joint Obama display for his new portrait:

alex_queral4

Wow.  Now that there is an artistic medium that never ever would have occurred to me.

August 26th, 2009 at 07:40pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Art/Architecture,Coolness,Weekly World News,Weirdness

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Once again, the Weekly World News gets there first:

Dick Cheney is writing his memoirs. Weekly World News has acquired an advance look at the torrid tale of his relationship with President Bush.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney surprised the world by saying he would publish a memoir. For years he has been famous for his obsession with privacy. Now, turning a new leaf, the former Vice President has been seen walking along the beach handwriting his book while sipping mint juleps. He writes everything down in cursive on parchment, a detail he says his publishers must recreate in the release of the book.

The book is set to focus on his relationship with President Bush, describing first their interdependent closeness which in time turned into a cold distance. He writes “it was a cold day that October morning. I came in for the morning briefing with an extra mocha latte for George. It took an extra twenty minutes out of my morning, but he liked them and I know he’s been under stress. I went to hand it to him, but he didn’t notice. He was too busy reading popularity polls. ‘Here you go Mister President, your favorite.’ All he could be bothered to say was a quick ‘Thanks’ before going back to his paper. I felt so stupid, standing there waiting for his approval. Quickly I excused myself from the Oval Office, went in the bathroom and cried. I was so mad, so hurt, I wanted to shoot a man in the face.”

Later in the book he writes “Things had been so different between us, I didn’t know who he was anymore. It was like those days on the ranch had never happened. Where was the warm cowboy who never cared what people thought and would laugh with me while starting a war. Standing in front of me was a Washington apologist who lived and died by his approval polls. Had that man even existed? Was it all just a beautiful dream? No. It was real. I knew because I still had the flower in my breast pocket. The one he gave me.”

It’s a sad, touching, beautiful story.

August 19th, 2009 at 11:31am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Bush,Cheney,Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love–Weekly-World-News Blogging

The Weekly World News offers some helpful hints on how to avoid The Plague:

  • DO NOT TOUCH OR FEED WILD RODENTS!  Resist the urge.  Please abstain from feeding or petting wild rodents, no matter how cute they may be.
  • Be wary of small animals: cats, prairie dogs, dingos,  and penguins can all be infested with fleas that carry the disease.  Avoid contact with these animals if at all possible!
  • Avoid babies.  Due to their less developed immune systems babies are more likely to be carriers of the plague.  Avoid babies at all costs.
  • Treat pets for fleas: fleas are a positive danger now! Be sure to keep your pets indoors and treat them regularly with flea shampoos and powders!  Remember; a shaved cat is a happy cat.
  • Learn Sign Language.  Most diseases are transmitted by the mouth; through coughing, kissing, or talking.  Help keep your mouth closed by learning American Sign Language.
  • Sanitize guests: make sure anyone who enters your home is free of disease and parasites.  All guests should be dipped in rubbing alcohol or witch hazel to kill any bacteria on their skin.  Then lightly douse them with powdered sugar to ward off any fleas.  Wrap them in clear plastic and wait for two days to see if any lesions arise.  After this the guest may safely enter your home.
  • Interrogate children.  Children will often unintentionally expose the rest of your family to life threatening illness.  Every time they enter the house interrogate them on where they have been to find out if they may be exposing you to the plague.  Waterboarding is an effective and safe way to coerce someone to talk, and it helps keep kids clean.
  • Irradiate all foods.  The safest food is irradiated food.  Organic products are more susceptible to bringing germs into your home, and they go bad quicker.  Irradiation kills all germs in food and helps them to stay fresh longer.  If possible find a way to irradiate food at home.
  • Colonize a small tropical island.  Gather your family, or those uninfected, and take over a small tropical island.  The remote location of an island limits possible exposure to infection.  Drive out whatever people may be living there and hold up until the epidemic has passed.

These all sound very reasonable and easy to follow.

August 12th, 2009 at 07:24pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

A poignant reminder that Shark Week isn’t fun for everyone:

A somber press conference was held yesterday evening where sharks protested their depiction on Discover Channel’s shark week. At a rented press room in the midtown Hilton several sharks spoke to their world about their frustration, and their dignity.

(…)

“Again summer arrived and again Discovery Channel begins its campaign of lies. Every year we sit and watch as the parade of intolerance known as Shark Week drops poo into our mental feeding ground. Our species is already demonized in the media as mindless, soulless killers. In their desperate bid for ratings Shark Week perpetuates stereotypes that lead to 500 extra shark deaths every year.

“This year we say No More! This year we stand up to the lies and misinformation being spread in the chase of the almighty dollar. We have come here to the surface, risking out lives and holding our breath, to make our voices heard. Our ancient culture is being degraded by this channel and it has to stop.

“Their sensationalized programming leads to a drastic increase in hate-based crimes against sharks every year.  Over 500 lives are lost in violent unnecessary deaths.  Hundreds more are assaulted.  And these are just the crimes that are being reported.  Who knows how many sharks are being abused but suffer in silence.

“Did you know that like whales we communicate through shark-song?  Did you know that our native language has over 200 words for blood?  No.  Discovery Channel probably didn’t tell you that.  They only tell you about teeth and eating.  When was the last time you saw a positive representation of sharks in the media?  When was the last time a noble shark saved the day and got the girl by eating all the bad stuff nobody else would?

“Discovery Channel, and those like them, are only telling you half the story.  For your children’s sake, for all our sakes, we must to reject this for the sensationalized bigoted fiction that it is!  No more deaths!  No more hate!  No more Shark Week!”

The protestors, all wearing Brooks Brothers suits, then became so excited that they ate the reporters in the first two rows.  Discovery Channel has yet to comment on the allegations of racial profiling against sharks in their summer lineup.

I feel very guilty now.

1 comment August 5th, 2009 at 07:21am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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