Today’s weird realization: I have a very good sense of timing, but almost no sense of time.
That is to say, I’m pretty good as estimating how long things will take, like whether I have to run to make the light or if I shouldn’t even bother, or whether I can pass someone ahead of me before the sidewalk narrows, or whether I have enough time to accomplish a given activity. I’d like to think I have pretty good comedic timing too, but so much of my interactions are textual now that I don’t even know anymore.
And yet, on the other hand, I have almost no idea how long something took, or how long ago something happened if it was more than a day or two. The only explanation I can think of is that it’s a difference between calculation and some kind of data retrieval that I’m lousy at (i.e., indexed by time rather than association).
From a HuffPo story about how the peculiar Mormon practice of retroactively “baptizing” dead people (often Jews) as Mormons might affect the Florida GOP primary:
Any Mormon may baptize any person posthumously. Church members have performed the ritual on Buddha, Catholic popes, 9/11 hijackers, William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, Elvis Presley, President Obama’s mother and even reportedly Jesus Christ.
So… That means that it was Mormons who attacked the United States on 9/11. I can only assume Dubya didn’t know about this, otherwise he might have tried to invade Catholicism.
1 commentJanuary 26th, 2012 at 07:19amPosted by Eli
One day last year when I came home and opened up my wallet to release the penny it had eaten, the penny landed on edge, and… stayed there. For like an entire day. And I have photographic proof:
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1 commentJanuary 16th, 2012 at 03:00pmPosted by Eli
As a young girl from Anoka, I was shocked at the level of security in Israel. We worked on the kibbutz from 4 am to noon. We were always accompanied by soldiers with machine guns. While we were working, the soldiers were walking around looking for land mines. I really learned a lot in Israel.
Am I the only one who finds that kind of… unsettling?
O’Donnell’s comments four years ago came as she and two other GOP candidates debated U.S. policy on China during the state’s Senate primary, The Associated Press reported. O’Donnell went on to lose the election.
When one of her opponents suggested the U.S. and China could benefit economically by becoming allies, O’Donnell accused him of appeasement.
“That doesn’t work,” she said. “There’s much I want to say. I wish I wasn’t privy to some of the classified information that I am privy to.”
China had a “carefully thought-out and strategic plan to take over America,” O’Donnell claimed.
“We have to look at our history and realize that if they pretend to be our friend it’s because they’ve got something up their sleeve,” she added.
When challenged about her access to top-secret information, O’Donnell suggested she had received it through nonprofit groups she worked with that sent missionaries overseas, the AP said.
Riiiight. Because nonprofit missionary groups are well-known for their access to (and generosity with) highly-classified intel. That sounds totally plausible.
As Mark Leibovich at the New York Times reports, the O’Donnell family’s past claims that her father Daniel O’Donnell had worked as Bozo sparked an uprising of online commenters who insisted that no, Daniel O’Donnell was not listed on Wikipedia as having been one of the many regionally licensed Bozo the Clown TV hosts.
But now Leibovich has sorted things out — Daniel O’Donnell was an occasional understudy Bozo, not a full-time holder of the Bozo mantle.
(Skip ahead to about the one-minute mark for THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER)
So when I heard that SyFy was going to be presenting a movie called Mega Piranha, starring Greg Brady and Tiffany, I was fairly certain that it would be The Most Awesome Movie Ever Made, with the possible exception of Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus, which starred Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. But I got more. A lot more.
So without further ado, here is some of the Vital Knowledge I was able to glean from this Brilliant Cinematic Masterpiece:
1) It is possible to fend off a swarm of giant mutant piranha with either a hunting knife or bicycle kicks (see video above for documentary proof).
2) It is possible to construct a movie in which the guy who played Greg Brady is the best actor present.
3) Tiffany makes Debbie Gibson look like Meryl Streep.
4) The Orinoco River is full of coral reefs.
5) Giant mutant piranha are are asexual hermaphrodites that double in size every 1 to 36 hours and don’t mind saltwater or nuclear explosions. They have two hearts, three stomachs, no blood vessels in their eyes, and are made of stem cells. Or something.
6) Giant mutant piranha can grow large enough to eat helicopters, submarines, battleships, shady diplomats, research scientists, and TV reporters.
7) Giant mutant piranha like to jump through the air while swimming, for no apparent reason.
8) Giant mutant piranha will often leap onto land in search of food, often embedding themselves in buildings.
9) If you kill one giant mutant piranha, the rest will ignore all other prey and kill each other fighting over its corpse.
10) Did I mention the bicycle kicks?
6 commentsApril 11th, 2010 at 03:14pmPosted by Eli
In a stunning surprise, the Nobel Committee announced Friday that it had awarded its annual peace prize to President Obama “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples” less than nine months after he took office.
“He has created a new international climate,” the committee said in its announcement. With American forces deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Obama’s name had not figured in speculation about the winner until minutes before the prize was announced here.
Reporters at a news conference to announce the prize pressed the committee’s chairman, Thorbjorn Jagland, to explain the reasons Mr. Obama had prevailed over other candidates who included human rights activists in China and Afghanistan and political figures in Africa.
Specifically, reporters asked whether Mr. Obama might not become mired in a war in Afghanistan as Lyndon B. Johnson was in Vietnam.
But the committee said it wanted to enhance Mr. Obama’s diplomatic efforts so far rather than anticipate events in the future.
Mr. Jagland, a former prime minister of Norway, said that Mr. Obama had already contributed enough to world diplomacy and understanding to deserve the prize.
As to whether the prize was given too early in Mr. Obama’s presidency, he said: “We are not awarding the prize for what may happen in the future but for what he has done in the previous year. We would hope this will enhance what he is trying to do.”
Looking back on the Obama presidency so far, Mr. Jagland said: “One of the first things he did was to go to Cairo to try to reach out to the Muslim world, then to restart the Mideast negotiations and then he reached out to the rest of the world through international institutions. “
He mentioned in particular the recent United Nations Security Council meeting on nuclear disarmament and the announcement of the prize noted the special importance the Nobel committee attached to President Obama’s vision of a world without nuclear weapons.
“Obama has as president created a new climate in international politics. Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play,” the committee said.
That’s all well and good, but it still seems a little thin to be grounds for a Nobel Peace Prize, especially for someone who’s dragging his feet about withdrawing from Iraq, looking at escalating in Afghanistan, and appears to be in no hurry at all to close Gitmo. Maybe all the other candidates totally suck this year?
The infamous Sarah Palin XBOX 360 was autographed at the governors picnic on July 24, 2009, in Wasilla, Alaska, just two days before her resignation as governor of that state. You can own this 60GB, perfect-condition, one-of-a-kind item before her expected run for president of the United States of America in 2012.
Although, admittedly, there is a part of me that’s not entirely convinced that this won’t sell. Hey, how much did Sarah get for her book?
Dalton Chiscolm is unhappy about Bank of America’s customer service — really, really unhappy.
Chiscolm in August sued the largest U.S. bank and its board, demanding that “1,784 billion, trillion dollars” be deposited into his account the next day. He also demanded an additional $200,164,000, court papers show.
Attempts to reach Chiscolm were unsuccessful. A Bank of America spokesman declined to comment.
“Incomprehensible,” U.S. District Judge Denny Chin said in a brief order released Thursday in Manhattan federal court.
“He seems to be complaining that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a ‘Spanish womn,'” the judge wrote. “He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers.”
Chiscolm’s request is equivalent to 1 followed by 22 digits.
The sum also dwarfs the world’s 2008 gross domestic product of $60 trillion, as estimated by the World Bank.
“These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale,” said Sylvain Cappell, New York University’s Silver Professor at the Courant Institute for Mathematical Sciences. “If he thinks Bank of America has branches on every planet in the cosmos, then it might start to make some sense.”
They’re in big trouble now! Although it is a bit concerning that if Chiscolm gets his money, he’ll be able to buy the solar system, and possibly the entire Milky Way galaxy.
Of all the many Republicans who fall into the gift-that-keeps-on-giving category, Michele Bachmann may very well be at the top of the heap. I just love this:
Also with women politicians, they want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman, and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.
Ah yes, surely that’s it – we’re all deathly afraid of the VERY REAL possibility that Michele Bachmann might be elected president someday.
You know, if this country ever gets to the point where a Michele Bachmann can be elected president of it, the fact that we have a lunatic in the White House will probably be the least of our problems.
This is actually really cool and, I think, really real:
Fourteen years ago, Alex Queral was out looking for wood for a new sculpture, when he suddenly noticed all of the out-of-date phone books being thrown out. It dawned on him that these books could be put to better use, so he collected some and took them home to practice carving.
Queral has since made a reputation for himself for the uncanny portraits of celebrities he is able to find in the pages!
So how does he do it? He sketches the person’s face on a piece of paper and lays it over the phonebook. Using a razor blade, he then begins to carve away at the thousands of pages to create the 3-D portrait! Queral is now able to do about two per month.
Queral has had three solo shows to display the phonebooks, as well as a recent joint Obama display for his new portrait:
Wow. Now that there is an artistic medium that never ever would have occurred to me.
The young people laughed when the ATM asked them if they required “some moolah for ya sky rocket”. The machine, in Spitalfields, was one of five Cockney cash dispensers from East London to Barnet that began dispensing “moolah” yesterday morning.
Bank Machine, which runs 2,500 ATMs across the country, was aiming to amuse, but it has grander ambitions too. It hopes to follow the Cockney cash machines with Brummie, Geordie, Scouse and Scots ATMs. It hopes that ATMs will serve to keep these dialects alive in Britain.
John Strachan, 52, an IT worker from Dundee, found the experience troubling. When it offered to serve him in English or Cockney, he suspected a hoax. He selected Cockney.
“Readin’ your bladder of lard”, read the message on the screen. It asked for his “Huckleberry Finn”. Then more bewildering questions: did he wanted to see his balance on the Charlie Sheen? Did he wish to change his Huckleberry Finn or did he simply require sausage and mash, with or without a receipt?
After the concept was explained to him, he was so indignant that he resorted to slang himself: “It’s complete pants,” he said. “Using an ATM is a very sensitive moment.”
[N]ext to the Cockney cash machine in Hackney, Roy Parker, 62, a bona fide Cockney, was working behind the counter of a mini-cab firm. So, what did he think of the ATM outside?
“Real Cockneys don’t have bank accounts or all that palava,” he said. “They put it under the mattress.”
SOUTHAVEN, Miss. — Police say a 24-year-old woman has been charged with carjacking and assault after taking a car and trying to rob a Southaven business, all while wearing swimming attire.
Police Chief Tom Long said Morgan Haley of Horn Lake forced a woman to give up her car Thursday.
Long said the victim gave up the car without a fight to a bikini-clad Haley, asking only for time to remove her young children from inside.
Long said Haley then drove the stolen car to a business, where she told employees she had a gun and demanded money. The employees did not believe Haley’s claim and restrained her until officers arrived.
Police said Haley appeared to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of the carjacking and attempted robbery.
It’s the spectacle of a woman in a bikini trying to convince people that she has a gun that elevates this from weird to brilliant.
It’s not even a long story. In 1972 I was political director for the presidential campaign of Sen. George McGovern. That July, just as a rather chaotic Democratic National Convention in Miami agreed to make McGovern the party’s nominee, I convened a group of top campaign officials to come up with some options for the candidate to consider as his running mate. Armed with a poll showing Walter Cronkite to be the most trusted man in America, I proposed that the senator put forward Walter Cronkite for vice president.
My idea met with instant, and unanimous, disapproval. He’d never accept, and we’d look bad, colleagues said. Our candidate would seem to be grasping at straws, I was told. McGovern was still very much in the race: Polls showed us five to seven points behind President Nixon. The consensus was that we needed a mainstream political figure, acceptable to most of the Democratic constituencies. We came up with a few names, led by Sen. Thomas Eagleton of Missouri. Eagleton had a lot going for him: He was antiwar, Roman Catholic, supported by labor, had a good record in three or four statewide elections. He was also free of scandal.
I had no allies among the top McGovern operatives. We settled on Eagleton, an ideal nominee by all the normal standards. The senator, alas, had neglected to tell us he had been hospitalized three times for what he termed “melancholy,” a condition for which he had received electric shock treatment. He had to leave the ticket, and the resulting crisis over a replacement cost McGovern heavily; indeed, pollsters said it doomed his campaign.
Decades later, at a meeting of a corporate board on which they both served, George McGovern mentioned to Walter Cronkite that his name had been proposed as the vice presidential nominee at that stage of the campaign but was rejected because we were certain he would have turned us down. “On the contrary, George,” the senator told me Cronkite replied, “I’d have accepted in a minute; anything to help end that dreadful war.” At a later board meeting, Cronkite told a larger group that he would gladly have accepted the invitation to run with McGovern.
My suspicion is that if the ticket had been
McGovern-Cronkite instead of McGovern-
Eagleton, McGovern might well have won that 1972 election, or at least have made it close. Had the latter happened, after the forced resignation of Richard Nixon in 1974, McGovern probably would have been triumphantly renominated — and elected — president in 1976, with the most trusted man in America at his side.
Apparently it is now defamatory to “accuse” someone of being a mere multimillionaire. Or at least the Donald thinks so:
A judge in New Jersey dismissed on Wednesday a $5 billion defamation lawsuit filed by Donald J. Trump against an author whose book placed Mr. Trump’s personal wealth far below his public estimates.
Superior Court Judge Michele M. Fox in Camden, N.J., found there was insufficient evidence to allow the case to go to trial.
Mr. Trump sued the author, Timothy L. O’Brien, in 2006 after his book “Trump Nation: The Art of Being the Donald” placed Mr. Trump’s wealth at $150 million to $250 million, citing three confidential sources. Mr. Trump argued it was in the billions.
Mr. Trump failed to demonstrate “clear and convincing evidence to establish malice,” Judge Fox ruled, according to Bloomberg News.
Mr. Trump vowed to press further legal claims, insisting that his wealth was more than $5 billion when the book was released in 2005 and is more than $6 billion now.
“The libel laws in this country have never been fair,” he said. “We proved our case 100 percent. We’ll appeal and see what happens. Unfortunately, the court’s decision today condones the gross negligence, and lack of professionalism and bias on the part of a reporter.”
Gee, I don’t know how he could show his face in public if people thought he was only worth $250 million. Then again, it’s not like that would be a bad thing.
A New Hampshire man says he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.
Josh Muszynski checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number — a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).
Muszynski says he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers and the $15 overdraft fee.
I particularly like how it took him two hours to convince Bank of America that a pack of cigarettes does not cost 23 quadrillion dollars.
Earlier this week, New York Times columnist David Brooks wrote about how “the dignity code” has been “completely obliterated” in Washington, DC. Discussing the concept on MSNBC today, Brooks recalled how he “sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time”:
BROOKS: You know, all three of us spend a lot of time covering politicians and I don’t know about you guys, but in my view, they’re all emotional freaks of one sort or another. They’re guaranteed to invade your personal space, touch you. I sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time. I was like, ehh, get me out of here.
You underestimate David Brooks’ sexual magnetism at your peril.
Also: Pleasepleaseplease let it be Lindsey Graham.
Today the New York Mets became the first team in baseball history to put three Fernandos on the field at the same time (1B Tatis, LF Martinez, P Nieve). Truly, this is a proud moment for Fernandos everywhere.
Side question: What is the major record for the most players on the field with the same name? Has a team ever fielded, say, five Johns at a time, or five Joses?
So, to sum up: Bestiality and heterosexual sex do not cause AIDS, but lesbian sex does. I want to write this off as just one screwed-up kid with fundie homophobic wingnut parents, but she’s wearing a prize ribbon.
When you’re a reporter, you occasionally have to ask uncomfortable questions of someone. In this case, I landed an interview with the Georgia Creator’s Rights Party candidate for governor, Neal Horsley, who is running on the secessionist platform. During the course of my research, I stumbled upon the fact that Horsley had screwed a mule. (Horsely originally fessed up in an Esquire article, which was picked up by Alan Colmes.) At that point, the campaign, the crusade, everything else kind of takes a backseat to the fact that he screwed a mule.
NH: “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”
AC: “I’m not so sure that that is so.”
NH: “You didn’t grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?”
AC: “Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?”
NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality… Welcome to domestic life on the farm…”
Colmes said he thought there were a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and “and I don’t think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I’m saying?”
Horsley said, “You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You’re naive. You know better than that… If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.”
Yep. There was no way we weren’t going to ask about that one….
“We’re talking about the mule now?”
Yes, he says. The mule.
“A small mule?” I ask.
“No, a full grown mule,” he says. “She loved me, though.”
“All I had to do was give her an ear of corn.” He laughs again. “She was a [prostitute] mule.”
….The kicker is, as soon as I was done she pissed all over me. It was embarrassing. I never told anyone that before.”
Not only that, but Horsley has had sex with men. He was in the Air Force, it was a cold night, yadda, yadda, yadda, he had sex with him, ahem, the way he did the mule. “It was gross,” he says.
Really? He hadn’t described the mule that way.
“I’ve [screwed] a watermelon,” he says. And that’s just for starters. He’s had sex with just about everything it’s physically possible to have sex with, and some that isn’t. “How many times have I masturbated in my life?” he asks. Now he’s 65 and orgasm-free for two years (his wife finally divorced him — too much “drama”, she said). “The bottom line is, I never treated it as if it were not a sin.”
Ho. Ly. Crap.
Also, he is willing to kill his own son to secede from the United States. What’s not to like?